Resolving Conflicts Adult Living at Home

[Raffles]

Hello all,

I'm reaching out to ask for some advice at better managing conflicts. For context, I'm an adult living at home. I overall would say that I have a good relationship with my parents, but some times it is hard. There have been a few changes lately (can elaborate if needed) that have made things a little more stressful.

One issue is that it's difficult for me to communicate my frustrations in an appropriate way. When something bothers me, I revert to explaining the problem (because teacher training). It's my anger management technique, but it comes off as condescending (can provide an example if needed). Is there a better way to go about this?

Thanks everyone!

[char]

Hi Raffles! Looking back to your older posts, you mentioned that your parents just announced their separation last month. Are there any updates to the situation that affects your current issue? Would love to hear you elaborate more on this.

When it comes to managing conflicts, there isn't a one fixed solution that will solve all of them, as you probably have guessed. For some people, explaining where the issue lies can help them recognize their mistakes and take accountability. But as you've said, this approach can also come across as condescending, especially if this person sees themself as older or more experienced than the person doing the explaining. Have you heard of "I-statements"? It's a cliche one, sure, but it's often seen as a good way of expressing how we feel without assuming the intentions or character of the other person. For example, instead of saying "I hate that you don't wash the dishes as soon as everyone finishes eating; are you lazy?" you can say "I feel uncomfortable seeing the dishes pile up in the wash basin, and it's hard for me to do it first thing in the morning." But again, this may not work well for everyone, particularly if they think using such approach is pretentious. When you mentioned that you can come across as condescending, was this something someone else has said to you or was it your own judgment of your actions?

It's useful to consider other factors too. Sometimes, when we immediately try to resolve the conflict as it arises, we and the other person in the conflict may not be our most rational and thoughtful selves, and that can lead to us saying things we might regret later. If the circumstances allow for it, it might be helpful for us to take a step back from the situation, calm ourselves, and collect our thoughts. How do we actually feel?

We have some articles about managing conflict you can read: this one Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves and this one How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics. Again, there isn't a one-stop solution for this, but we can definitely discuss any of the points mentioned in the articles.

[Raffles]

Hello,

Yes, they are still separating, but haven’t yet because my dad had a planned surgery so we are all living at home for the recovery process. It means extra responsibilities for me and my mom at the moment.

I haven’t been good about using I statements. The conversation usually goes something like this: “When you park in the middle of the drive way, then one else can pull their cars in or out. Can you please move it?” I get how an I statement could make it less confrontational, but then it turns into “well if it’s a problem for you, then you can move the car.” It seems like using an I statement turns it into problem ownership, and then it’s my problem to fix. She gets frustrated at me when I ask her to fix the thing (do the dishes she left in the sink, move her car, etc).

Yes, I have been told that I’m condescending. Even though she is my preferred parent, it can be hard to communicate with my mom because she feels overly criticized and condescended to. I feel like I can’t give feedback without upsetting her.

I do try to hit the pause button, but frankly I’m a reactive and impatient person. Sometimes the best I can do is explain/condescend because I want to yell otherwise which obviously isn’t appropriate. It’s a thing I’m working on, haha. I tend to be easy to irritate and have a cranky temperament.

If I try to introduce rules in a cool moment, it’s seen as a personal attack because usually only one person is doing the problem behavior that requires the rule to be put in place. For example, we had a problem where someone was using the laundry machine as their laundry basket, so then the laundry was full of dirty that person’s clothes when someone else wanted to do theirs. I introduced a rule that you can only put clothes in the laundry machine if you’re actually going to start the washer within an hour or two. This person felt bad because the rule only applied to them because they were the only one using the laundry machine to store their clothes. (Hope that made sense.)

Thanks for the readings! I will get to those soon.

[Latha]

Hi there, Raffles! No worries, your explanation made sense.

What a delicate interpersonal situation. You have good intentions and your requests are justified, but hurt feelings are getting in the way of addressing your concerns.

It seems like using an I statement turns it into problem ownership, and then it’s my problem to fix.

Making any problem you have yours to solve is unsustainable--as people who live in the same space, ideally they would cooperate with you to fix issues.

Too, if a problem that bothers you becomes your responsibility to solve, you should also be given autonomy to make decisions. If you found the car parked in the middle of the drive way and moved it without asking your mother, do you think that would be accepted?

Another option might be to 1. state the issue in terms of what you've noticed, with an 'I' statement, 2. optionally say something to show that you are thinking of their perspective, and then 3. invite them to a discussion about possible solutions (instead of telling them directly what you would like them to do). As an example:

• I wanted to pull my car in/out, but your car in on the driveway (Not in the way or in the middle--that is technically true and technically fine to say, but you are working with people who feel criticized easily.)

• I know that when you come home, it makes sense to park there because the space is free. (This bit--showing you are thinking well of their perspective--is optional, but it might help the other person feel less attacked/more understood. You want to make sure it sounds genuine. Otherwise, it will feel like condescension again.)

• Could you help me move the car?/Could I move the car?/Can we talk about ways to park the cars so that it is easier for all of us to get in/out?

I know this might seem like a very complicated way to frame a simple request, but if they are feeling criticized, you could try to err on the side of being non-confrontational.

• By saying *all of us* you've included the other person in the group of people who will benefit from their action, instead of them fixing something they've done to inconvenience other people. And by saying we (can we talk/here is what we could do), you've framed it as though the issue is not you-against-them, but both-of-you finding a solution to a problem together.

• If possible, let them decide if they can stop what they are doing to respond to your request, or if they would like some time. However, if your request is time-sensitive, let them know straightforwardly and gently: 'I'm sorry to take you away from what you are doing, but I need to leave to ___ in ten minutes.'

• Even if you have an ideal solution in your head, wait till they seem open to discussing solutions, hear them out if they have any ideas (bonus points for considering and appreciating any positive aspects of their idea). Then, frame your solution as an option, and share why you think it is a good idea: 'what if we...'

Ultimately they do need to be willing to cooperate with you for this to work--if they don't accept your invitation to talk, or do what they say they will do, then it isn't your fault for not wording your request correctly. And as Char said earlier, no approach works well for everyone.

I do try to hit the pause button, but frankly I’m a reactive and impatient person. Sometimes the best I can do is explain/condescend because I want to yell otherwise which obviously isn’t appropriate.

I wonder if it would help to have another space to express your frustration. Your feelings are okay, even if they are not the most helpful when you are talking to another person about solutions. Would redirecting your energy into ranting to a friend or writing in a journal help you take time to feel more settled before you talk to your parents? Could you play out the irritated explanation in your mind, where you say everything you feel like saying first, and then clear the slate for the actual conversation you'll have?

[Raffles]

Hello,

I tried something this morning that seemed to work. I made an observation without any suggestions. Just said “when I went outside, I noticed the side gate is open.” We have pets, so it’s important to keep it closed. She didn’t take that personally at all, so maybe the trick is to leave the behavior change implied.

I have a lot of imaginary conversations in the shower and car, haha. I try not to vent to my friends too much, and I don’t have any to begin with.

[KierC]

Hey Raffles

I’m glad to hear Latha’s suggestion about making plain statements about observations was helpful and it sounds like it worked well!

Also glad to hear you have some outlet to vent your frustrations even if it’s to yourself. I do the same! Do you feel like you’d like to find more community, though? I’d be happy to help brainstorm some ideas with you if you’d like that.