Pretty confused about it

[PenguinsRcool]

Im a 16 year old girl, I never felt frustrated when I masturbate and never get an orgasm (I don’t think I ever got one in my life) I’ve been… doing it for two years, I have always had the mindset to enjoy the current experience rather than to chase the main goal. I tried to explore myself, my hands, any kind of stimulation outside of my pelvic area… but eh I never got anything big from changing things up a bit. I tried fingering myself but I have always felt a bit uncomfortable about it and I feel it kinda hurts later on, I tried rubbing but goodness gracious it feels overwhelming to me, I don’t know random thing but I suspect Im autistic due to many other things and I think I get easily overstimulated from trying things that give me lots of pleasure to which it actually feels overwhelming. The only thing I have only enjoyed and actually got satisfied is if I use a object that is pretty big and shove it in, when that happens I tend to feel huge pleasure for a few seconds and later drifts to something calming (I go slow), I think I’m an individual who cant really get any kind of pleasure except of the same thing all the time. I don’t have self love time daily (at least 1-2 a week) so I don’t think I’m bored by it. Is there any reason to why I have a hard time peaking?

[char]

Hi PenguinRcool, welcome to the boards (and yes, I agree with your username hehe)

I'm sorry to hear that orgasming has been hard for you. It's not a necessary element of sex (solo or partnered alike), but it's understandable that a lot of people, yourself included, expect it to happen. It sounds like you've tried lots of things to no avail—and just to be sure, whenever you insert your fingers or other items, is lube involved? Using lube, along with the lubrication naturally produced by our bodies, can drastically improve our sexual experience.

You mentioned that you might be autistic; are you able to recognize if/when you're going to feel overstimulated? And would you say there are things that might affect your ability to remain in the zone while masturbating, such as your emotional state, your house situation, the temperature, and more? I wonder if we could work something out from this. There's also a possibility that you might have experienced orgasm without noticing it—since orgasm can look very different from one person to another—but that's not something we can exactly predict.

Lastly, there's nothing wrong with sticking to a certain routine when masturbating. We masturbate to experience something good for us, not for other people. Besides, many autistic folks find comfort in routine and consistency. Do you get what I mean?

[PenguinsRcool]

Gee hi Char thanks for replying, uhhh no I just use the lubrication my body makes, I can not get lube anywhere trust me but I never thought about that it probably making things better, I could try it one day if I can. Well when I said I may be autistic, I have a hard time handling certain stimulation that is a lot for me, I know it’s supposed to feel pleasing but I end up hating it. About things that can affect me during the moment, I do get easily distracted with my random thoughts and never get to focus (I sometimes feel like I just use masturbation just to think, ex: walking in circles).

About me possibly experiencing an orgasm but without noticing, I don’t know if I did experience one, Im sometimes lucky enough to start breathing faster and the experience starts to get more intense, but DAMN I get distracted with the music that plays in my head 24/7.

Last thing, thanks about saying it’s ok for me to just stick with the same thing, I keep reading stories online about certain ways to do it that feels amazing (and I take it literally) but I end up getting confused when I feel nothing or bad. So I always end up doing the same way I like over and over without wasting my time.

[PenguinsRcool]

I also would like to add an update: I think that stimulation in the clit feels good only if I’m wearing something, I think it feels just right but it’s still not the same as the other way. I don’t know Im afraid that Im also just lazy of wanting to orgasm. And that can make me think, “am Im going to be bad at sex with a partner when I’m older?” because I don’t want to ruin the fun and seem to not care or enjoy it, and I don’t want for my partner (a man) to suddenly go violent on me and start to do it more aggressively (which will overwhelm me and make the experience horrible).

And what the heck is it ok if I want to talk with them during the moment? I don’t know if people do that or just like to stay quiet but I think it would be nice if I had a normal conversation with a partner about anything- just with sex added.

Sorry I transitioned with different topics, I know that I was talking about the future and things can change but I’m sometimes scared about sex with a man? Not about when a man is going to be in me for the first time of my life, but later if they just wanted to use me as a toy. You see I think I got a bit traumatized in trusting any kind of man or boy, due to two father figures leaving, my mother having a hard time dating, and the stories I hear online. And damn… the advice my mom says for me to never trust any men and how they are all chasing the same thing of “sex” can leave me discouraged and confused. When I accepted that I could be sexually attracted to women two months ago, my mother thought it was either a phase, confusion, or me being scared of men. Really no I’ve experiencing this since I was 13, and I have always liked it. Anyway I have thought about future relationships with girls and it seems pretty cool to me, but it’s not the same when I think of a man probably due to them having a dick (lol), but jokes aside I do get along better talking with guys as just friends in school due for them being more fun and not so “emotionally involved” to talk like girls. I used to have this friend who he was 17 and he was so stupid and annoying but I liked to talk to him because whatever weird thing I did he always had a reaction, I think we both were in a level where it worked even we were two different species (I did have a tiny temporary crush on him).

Gosh I got lost again wow at least Im being honest and it would be cool for me to understand on your side.

[mikky]

Hey penguinsrcool,
I hope it’s ok to jump in here- Char might have more thoughts the next time they are in.
I’m just going to start with your first reply:
If lube is something you do want to try, especially hearing that some things are hurting afterwards or feeling overwhelmingly sensitive, you could try using something like coconut oil, olive oil, or baby oil. This can be irritating to some bodies but works great for others. Having some kind of barrier, like underwear or clothes, can also be really helpful if clitoral stimulation is something you want to explore, like you’ve found.
Hearing that you use masturbation to think- masturbation can be a regulating and self-soothing or focusing thing for lots of people! Just like walking in circles or pacing can help fulfill vestibular sensory needs, so can masturbation.
You said you get distracted with the music in your head. Do you ever try listening to music while masturbating, or maybe an audiobook that has elements you find interesting/arousing?
I will re-affirm that it is absolutely okay to keep doing what you like. We don’t need to push ourselves to try anything that we aren’t interested in.

I am going to focus on your second reply now. It sounds like you have some pretty intense worries about sex with men specifically, and I can see how some of the ideas your mom has brought up would lead you to worry about this. It would absolutely be horrible for a man to suddenly become violent and aggressive. That is not sex, that is abuse or rape. I want to be clear on that. When we talk about partnered sex, we are not talking about sexual assault.

In partnered sex, it is absolutely okay to talk. Communication is crucial for navigating sex and making it a pleasurable experience for everyone. Not everyone likes a casual chat throughout sex, but some people do, and it is something you could discuss ahead of time. Finding someone you are comfortable with, compatible with, and who demonstrates that they are safe, respectful, and caring is important. I know we can hear a lot of scary stories, and I don’t want to diminish those or the real fear that they can evoke in us. But if a man were to start treating you as less-than or “like a toy,” that would be an example of a person who is a poor fit for a partner, not just an ingrained trait all men have. Does that make sense?

[PenguinsRcool]

Hi Mikky about my second reply, Im still scared of even just meeting a guy, even if they seem good and respectful and first they can absolutely do everything normal during the moment but the next day they could probably disappear or is already with another woman. i really want to have a trustful male partner who likes me and respects my mind and soul, you know like a best friend not just a casual hookup. I don’t like mind games, I literally respond honestly even if my comments can make the person pissed off. As I see how my mom messages a man I find the situation way too complicated and unnecessary, you always have to lie and say something that won’t create suspicion, or how the man will keep “love bombing” you till they finally get to have sex with you and later ghost and disappear. Thats the biggest problem for me with men. (And I never ever had a boyfriend! This is what I have been told to my mother!) Literally like this I’ll just be single for all my life, unless I meet girls but I strongly prefer men.

[PenguinsRcool]

Honestly I just want to meet a guy who isn’t performing to be sensitive, or an “alpha” I just want someone normal and literal to what they mean and want (like me). I prefer them to be more as a best friend than someone to have romance, someone who likes to talk out of pure enjoyment and fill each others heads with info, the only example of relationship that I know this exists is with my mom, we always have fun and help each other but man I don’t know what happens in this world to act… weird?
Girls want drama when it’s with guys breaking their hearts,
guys try everything to get in girls,
Cant things just be simpler?
And I sometimes feel that most people are looking for romance, as in doing all of those physical affections and being heavily “gendered” (like the guys have to do everything and all the manly stuff, and girls have to stay there look pretty and be emotional support) rather then meeting someone that would work amazingly well as a friend.

[mikky]

I think something we can work on distinguishing between is “possibly” and “probably.” Yes, it is possible that a man could seem respectful and learn later that he is cheating. But is it probable? I don’t think so. It seems like observing your mom’s relationships has given you a different impression or been very difficult to you. I think if you do start to date you will find that you might have very different values and ideas than your mom does, which is okay. Frankly, your mom’s advice to you sounds pretty negative and based in her own feelings of hurt and betrayal. She (an adult and parent to a teenager who is dating other adult men) is not a representation of what you (a teenager dating other teenagers) might experience if you choose to date– not even necessarily better or worse, just different.
It seems like the way your mom talks about relationships is adding a lot of stress and dread to your life. Do you think she knows that? Could you try asking her to share less of that with you, so you can have your own experiences, explorations, and opinions? For example, knowing the details of what and how she is messaging to men is not something you need to be involved in.

You ask “can’t things just be simpler,” but I am seeing a lot of these ideas (girls want drama, guys try everything to get in girls) as massive oversimplifications of humans and our experiences with one another.

You are figuring out some of your own values and desires- you’d like to be with someone who, like you, is upfront and honest about how they feel, who you get along well with, and enjoy spending time with! That’s all really great, and I hope you can keep thinking about what your values are.

[PenguinsRcool]

Thanks man, sorry if I said that I know it’s not everyone who is like this, but yeahhhh I really can not ignore my mom’s dating life since she always show it to me, it’s supposed to make us find it funny but there are certain things that she tells me about men that could possibly be very stereotyped? I told her that not every men is like this yet she declines, I think she just wants to protect me and that I get smart about it, but I’m just ending up not wanting to date.

[PenguinsRcool]

Are there men who are nice and friendly?

[HannahP]

Hi there, penguinsrcool!

It sounds like your mom has had a really rough experience with dating and her advice and worldview are really affected by that. That makes sense, but it is definitely important to know that many, many people in the world have wonderful experiences with dating men and are able to meet men who are nice and friendly. Men are humans and just like with all humans, some are nice and some are not, some are people you would want to spend time with and some are not. A tricky but also good part about dating is that it's all about finding the person who's a good fit for you, because their values and personality traits are in line with what you want specifically. An expression that I like related to that is "every crooked pot has a crooked lid." It means that we're not looking for a "perfect" person, we're looking for a person whose unique qualities fit with our unique qualities. It sounds like one unique quality that you need to fit is someone who is clear, direct, and literal. That means that if you meet a guy who doesn't act that way, you'll know that he's not a good fit for you, and just let him go, rather than trying to play games or talk to him in a complicated way. You being your authentic, clear, and direct self will help you find the kind of guy you're looking for, because that kind of guy will be looking for someone like you!

[PenguinsRcool]

Oh gee Hannah thanks, maybe I am taking this too much, Im still pretty young for already concluding my life will be like this forever. Sorry if I tend to take my messages from something easy to being intense and heavy, I don’t want to be like that but I really needed consideration to whats happening to me, and help with real humans worked out this week and I think I should do that more often. I think I can conclude this.