Wanting To Be a Man and Dealing with Internalized Lesbophobia

[blanketlover]

Hi again Scarleteen.
I know that before I've talked to you about my shame in regards to sexual thoughts and feelings towards women but I've wanted to talk about something else which could be an outcome from it.

I don't know why but sometimes I really adore and admire men in a way where I would want to be them but not want to be with them (I would probably want to be with them platonically or as friends though). I've been listening to a lot of hip-hop especially from the 90s and have started daydreaming about dressing up and being like the men in the music videos I watch of it such as A Tribe Called Quest and N.W.A. I feel like if I ever dressed up in that kind of fashion or in any masculine clothing it would feel euphoric in some way and while I am black I'm not African American in any way so I've thought it was never really appropriate to dress up in that type of clothing since it isn't exactly my culture. I have also have started to adore all kinds of men in general.

Another thing that I found interesting is that I think the reason why I feel like this is because men have always been allowed to be open in their sexuality without judgement which made me a bit jealous as well as envious of them. Unfortunately, there is a bad side to this since this freedom in sexuality which has caused men to heavily objectify and sexualize women and this isn't only in hip-hop music which can be seen as a stereotype in it because hip-hop talks about so much more than that!

I also think that sometimes I use hetero relationships in media so that I can be able to interact with my attraction to women since I feel shame already in being a lesbian. It's like I would watch a movie about a straight couple and imagining me being in the place of the man or being in the place of the women and imagining the man as a woman. I guess I try to do this so that I can interact with being gay at a "safe distance" if that makes sense because I can't seem to enjoy lesbian media any more and I tend to feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I am pretty sure this could be in relation to me feeling lesbophobic about myself since I don't have trouble with watching stuff about gay men.

Sorry if this is quite a lot. I would like to hear what you would think please

[mikky]

Hey blanketlover,

While I think this absolutely can be related to your feelings about your sexuality, I think this is also a perfectly normal reaction to looking at a specific era of culture and style. And there’s also a huge overlap between some of the style of what you’re seeing in 90s hip hop videos and how lesbians/queer women of that era, especially QTBIPOC, were dressing. You have some solid insight too on the freedom of open sexuality, including men’s ability to openly express attraction for women! Some desire to embody that makes a lot of sense. If you have the ability right now to experiment a bit with how you dress, drawing on some of this sounds like a positive thing to me.

I am really sorry that you are feeling like you are doing something wrong when you interact with media depicting lesbians. I know we’ve talked about some of this shame before. And media specifically has been something you’ve talked with us about too, with hyper-sexualization of blackness and queerness. High-budget media like movies and TV can be really hard to navigate. That world is not one that allows for stories that respect and honor queerness. Would media like books, zines, and lower budget art be something that could allow you to interact with your sexuality from a less-safe distance, but without dehumanizing themes?

[blanketlover]

Hi milkky.

I'm glad you understand what I'm talking about with this. I would also really like to see any media that could help me interact with sexuality better. I can also tend to want to be friends with men more but I can't really get the courage to talk to them since I get kind of scared .
But it can sometimes feel as too much and i can feel infatuated with them and it feels weird. I s there any way I can learn to back up a bit in a healthy way?

[mikky]

hey blanketlover,
I can understand that infatuation/excitement as well. I think it can feel pretty novel or exciting to get to have a type of socialization that those of us raised as girls get shut out of. I think if you are feeling too scared to talk to men, literally backing up or having better boundaries probably isn't what you need to work on- it seems you mean more backing up emotionally? If it's that, I think the work you're doing here to think about what shame you've internalized and dismantling it is a huge thing. When we come to any type of socialization with a lot of shame about ourselves, I think we can become really eager or needy for validation and acceptance.

I've been brainstorming media recs all day for you, and I am definitely not done with this list (but if you take a look at anything and have an opinion, let me know what you think so I can narrow things down better!):
Watermelon Woman (movie): 1996 movie written and directed by Cheryl Dunye, first feature film directed by a Black lesbian!
You mentioned enjoying reading Audre Lorde before, and her biomythography Zami: A New Spelling of My Name is a great book.
Laura Dean Keeps Breaking Up With Me by Mariko Tamaki and Rosemary Valero-O’Connell is a graphic novel about friendship and growing up and also about writing to an advice column (relatable?).
The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily Danforth isn’t the most uplifting book, but it’s one that meant a lot to me and navigating my sexuality, and to many of my friends too. Another YA novel that is also beloved to many is Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo.
Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo is about a bunch of different people in the UK, and it’s about feminism and sexuality and race and class- it’s been quite a few years since I read it, but I remember loving how all these different people were portrayed.
My friend who is an avid movie-watcher and collector of physical media recommends The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love (I also enjoyed that one), Born in Flames, Rafiki, and Go Fish. We went to a queer movie club night a few years ago that screened a movie called Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same, which I thought was sooooooo silly in a good way. And I'll leave it there for now