my ex came back and now i don’t know what to do

[PomPom]

so. recently i started talking with new people more, and reconnect with an old acquaintance, a girl we went on a date once in january, i’ll call her L. so we started going out more, and she’s very sweet and i can feel that she’s 100% more stable partner than my ex. she treats me well, even sent me flowers to my work, just to make me happy. she’s also more fearless ( or careless?) like she doesn’t take away her hand off my shoulder when someone passes us, and it’s somehow makes me scared and secured at the same time. in a way i think she can “protect” me, though she doesn’t have to of course, but it nice to have a partner who will tell random men to get off, and won’t just stay there with their mouth shut. we don’t kiss now, because i don’t want things going too fast.
and so there’s my ex..she came back and we started talking. it’s low-key was also because of my own actions because i told her that i’m hurt when she’s reasonably telling me that i go out on dates with weirdos that’s gonna ruin my life (it’s not about L) i told her that i’m hurt when she’s saying that, and why does she want to get into my life if she doesn’t want to get back together. she told me she does and so we’re talking again. she tells me that she’s changing, and while she maybe does, it’s still her. and i dont know what to do.

i don’t have deeply romantic feelings neither for my ex or L (yet) but i know that i can’t keep both of them, and my ex won’t let me. i don’t know what to do. on one side i’m afraid of going back to my ex and every time we go on a date something will happen that make me remember that she’s still she. and on the other side i’m afraid of letting her go. it’s this paralyzing fear that makes me want to run in the woods. i know yhat i don’t have to get into romantic relationships with anyone now, but if i wanna talk further with them i can’t keep both. i don’t even know how to decide and what to do. normally i would do a tarot reading but my ex asked me not to use tarot while thinking about our future so i don’t and it’s making my life harder.

[amber]

Hi PomPom,

Welcome back! I wanna start by saying first that I think it is great you are trying to take things slow with this new person. I believe we've chatted before on here about how it can be valuable to focus on yourself after a breakup. How has that been going?

I do think I need some clarification to continue, why is is necessary you 'pick' one of these people to continue talking to if neither relationship is a commitment? It sounds like that 'demand' is coming from your ex. From what I am hearing, It does not sound healthy how your ex seems to be having a say in who you are seeing or what you do. No matter the nature of your relationship, someone should not be controlling who it is you interact with or the choices you make (especially when they go against your own desires).

The second part of your post seems to be dealing with fully separating from someone after a breakup. This can be very hard and is not an uncommon experience. What is important to remember is that you broke up for a reason and the time apart, if forever or temporary, is necessary for you to feel the emotions of the breakup/relationship. How does that sound?

[PomPom]

it is a demand from my ex, she told me that she won’t fight for my attention with another people. i don’t know, i guess it is reasonable in a way, like both of these girls send me flowers and we do chat in a flirty way, so i do respect my ex’s wishes though it’s not what i want and i’m scared of making a decision. i’m so afraid of letting her go again, like if i do we’ll break up all over again. but i don’t want to stop talking to L, she seems nice and interesting (though she’s not that funny as my ex lol)
i did focus on myself, it’s been months since our break up

[amber]

Demands are not good, not matter who they are from. Again, you are allowed to (and it is healthy) to have friendships with more than one person. Exclusivity comes with a conversation and is more associated with romantic or sexual relationships - which it does not sound like you are experiencing.

Would it be helpful to think of the good things you get from both relationships?