my ex came back and now i don’t know what to do

[PomPom]

so. recently i started talking with new people more, and reconnect with an old acquaintance, a girl we went on a date once in january, i’ll call her L. so we started going out more, and she’s very sweet and i can feel that she’s 100% more stable partner than my ex. she treats me well, even sent me flowers to my work, just to make me happy. she’s also more fearless ( or careless?) like she doesn’t take away her hand off my shoulder when someone passes us, and it’s somehow makes me scared and secured at the same time. in a way i think she can “protect” me, though she doesn’t have to of course, but it nice to have a partner who will tell random men to get off, and won’t just stay there with their mouth shut. we don’t kiss now, because i don’t want things going too fast.
and so there’s my ex..she came back and we started talking. it’s low-key was also because of my own actions because i told her that i’m hurt when she’s reasonably telling me that i go out on dates with weirdos that’s gonna ruin my life (it’s not about L) i told her that i’m hurt when she’s saying that, and why does she want to get into my life if she doesn’t want to get back together. she told me she does and so we’re talking again. she tells me that she’s changing, and while she maybe does, it’s still her. and i dont know what to do.

i don’t have deeply romantic feelings neither for my ex or L (yet) but i know that i can’t keep both of them, and my ex won’t let me. i don’t know what to do. on one side i’m afraid of going back to my ex and every time we go on a date something will happen that make me remember that she’s still she. and on the other side i’m afraid of letting her go. it’s this paralyzing fear that makes me want to run in the woods. i know yhat i don’t have to get into romantic relationships with anyone now, but if i wanna talk further with them i can’t keep both. i don’t even know how to decide and what to do. normally i would do a tarot reading but my ex asked me not to use tarot while thinking about our future so i don’t and it’s making my life harder.

[amber]

Hi PomPom,

Welcome back! I wanna start by saying first that I think it is great you are trying to take things slow with this new person. I believe we've chatted before on here about how it can be valuable to focus on yourself after a breakup. How has that been going?

I do think I need some clarification to continue, why is is necessary you 'pick' one of these people to continue talking to if neither relationship is a commitment? It sounds like that 'demand' is coming from your ex. From what I am hearing, It does not sound healthy how your ex seems to be having a say in who you are seeing or what you do. No matter the nature of your relationship, someone should not be controlling who it is you interact with or the choices you make (especially when they go against your own desires).

The second part of your post seems to be dealing with fully separating from someone after a breakup. This can be very hard and is not an uncommon experience. What is important to remember is that you broke up for a reason and the time apart, if forever or temporary, is necessary for you to feel the emotions of the breakup/relationship. How does that sound?

[PomPom]

it is a demand from my ex, she told me that she won’t fight for my attention with another people. i don’t know, i guess it is reasonable in a way, like both of these girls send me flowers and we do chat in a flirty way, so i do respect my ex’s wishes though it’s not what i want and i’m scared of making a decision. i’m so afraid of letting her go again, like if i do we’ll break up all over again. but i don’t want to stop talking to L, she seems nice and interesting (though she’s not that funny as my ex lol)
i did focus on myself, it’s been months since our break up

[amber]

Demands are not good, not matter who they are from. Again, you are allowed to (and it is healthy) to have friendships with more than one person. Exclusivity comes with a conversation and is more associated with romantic or sexual relationships - which it does not sound like you are experiencing.

Would it be helpful to think of the good things you get from both relationships?

[PomPom]

i guess it is a little bit wrong of her, it definitely sends me into panic mode. but my talking with L is more romantic, like we don’t kiss but we do cuddle. and she sent me flowers.
good things i get from both relationships? with L i think it’s her deep understanding into kink culture and our preferences match well. i also think that she’s a very stable partner, and though it’s a little straighty of me to say, i feel like she could protect me even a little bit (like she definitely wouldn’t keep her mouth shut at least) i also deeply appreciated the flowers she gave me, it was just because she wanted to make me happy, not to apologize or because of some special day, just because. i don’t like that she’s too shy and awkward and i’m still not sure about her, there’s something that makes me feel cringe but i can’t put my finger on it.

with my ex, i like her humor, the way she laughs at my own jokes also. i like that shes witty? a little angry but in a good way. with her it’s just feels like home. it’s something comfortable because it’s familiar. but also i’m terrified of this familiarity. even though she’s trying to change it’s still her. recently we went out drinking, and while we were waiting for our cab, some boys approached us, they wanted to get our numbers, and i was the one who talked with them, we did have a small conversation and i jokingly asked if they’re are so young boys how did they bought alcohol (good question though!!) so they walked away, and my ex is like “you flirted with them” and she seemed upset with it. like??? if you don’t like the way i handle this type of things (politely and trying to keep the mood nice, ESPECIALLY when i’m also in good mood) tell them to off yourself?? she told me that i’m making her responsible for something she isn’t responsible for, and she doesn’t have to talk in this types of situations or protect me in any way, valid, yes in a way, but she’s two years older, bigger, somewhat still stronger than me and was way way less drunk than me. is that such a bad thing to want to have a partner who can tell the guys to fuck off?? there were other situations like that when none of us would react when some men were trying to get my number or even harassing me in a way, but i don’t think she had to do something in that situations, but here?? telling me i’m flirting with them?? so yeah, there are good things but this stuff throws me off. but now she texted me that she wants us to go on a trip together and she’s ready to buy tickets for us, sooo, i guess it’s another good thing that i get from this relationship (?) not only in material way of course

[Heather]

Hey there, PomPom.

I do want to check in before I add anything else to make sure that I understand correctly that your ex is still supposed to be your ex, right? As in, you two are not again a couple, nor are you romantically or sexually involved anymore?

[PomPom]

we weren’t for a long time, recently we started talking again and of course talking about our relationship. she asked me out a few days ago, to discuss some of this stuff in person and then we went out to drink, so we did make out, at the moment we aren’t in a relationship though and she’s still waiting for my answer about this stuff.

[Heather]

Okay, so I think that before anything else, it sounds like you need to figure out what you want here. I don't know what stuff your ex is waiting on an answer for, but you can fill me in more on that if you like.

Personally, this relationship with your ex, as you might remember from other conversations you and I have had over the years, has never sounded healthy or beneficial to me. It's also sounded to me like you keep getting trapped in it, and like your ex doesn't seem to treat breakups as breakups, but instead keeps finding ways to get you to backpedal. It also sounds like, for whatever reasons, you're very vulnerable when it comes to this person and have a really hard time holding lines with them, including staying away from them after a break.

I think before you get involved with anyone new in any kind of intimate relationship, you really need to really clear the slate when it comes to this relationship. I don't think that because I think you have to be exclusive if you don't want to be -- you certainly don't -- but because you can't get into something new when someone like your ex keeps dragging you back and doing things like telling you you can't be close to other people or acting like you're dating after you have split. They are very clearly going to keep isolating you from other people, gaslighting you, and rationalizing these kinds of behaviors or pinning them on you somehow instead of calling it all the controlling behavior it is. She may have told you she's changing, but her behavior looks exactly the same as it has to me -- as does its impact on you -- and it's not the stuff of a healthy, happy partnership.

How I feel about this relationship and what I think is only so valuable, though. It's really what you think and want, and feel is actually good for you (and isn't), that matters the most here. How do you feel about the dynamic with your ex, both in the past and the present? Separate from familiarity, some other things other people can also bring to the table (like laughing at your jokes and someone able to protect you when you don't feel able to do it yourself), why are you considering any kind of relationship with her again?

[PomPom]

well, i love how it all started, i love remembering our first kisses and all. and i remember that it all actually felt good, even our actual relationship, i remember i felt that love for her that somehow still makes me tear up a little bit. i remember looking at her and feeling like i want to protect her and her vulnerability, a feeling and a thought that i never thought i was capable of. but i also remember that a lot of the times i felt fear, like i was afraid when she was randomly calling me at first because after our first fight my first thought was “oh shit, what if she found out i’ve talked about our relationship with mu friends again and she’s angry” i remember that i was afraid to make plans with her, even buy tickets to the theater because i never knew what could happen in a month. by the end of our relationship i really think i was in a way miserable, because i was consumed by my own thoughts and fears about me not loving her enough (she never made me feel like it, it’s my own problem) and also anxiety about our relationship, about her problems. i was always trying to cut corners because i didn’t want us to fight or anything like this.
my teacher told me once that she saw how i started turning into a “grey mouse” lol, i guess not that dramatic but maybe i was a little bit consumed with all of this. now i don’t know how i feel about our friendship at the moment. i enjoy spending time with her but sometimes i felt like i’m dragging something dead for the sake of it, though i started getting this feeling less in a span of the past two weeks. i like the possibility of us falling in love again like it was last summer but i don’t know if it’s even possible. i like that she suggest that we’ll go on a trip together (she’ll pay for the tickets). i like hanging out with her, kissing and all that stuff, i love talking to her but i don’t even know what we’re talking about, anything and nothing i guess. i don’t know what else to say about her, what i like about her, like she’s… she. i like it and hate it at the same time.