Advice on following what you want

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I’ve been thinking about what my therapist told me about trying to follow what I want and try to refrain from thinking about other people. This is regards to my gender transition and I’ve been feeling stuck recently. I’ve had short haircuts, dressed more masculine. I’m not out with my preferred name in all settings. I haven’t gotten to fully trying out he/him. I was on T for like three months but stopped. I think a lot about what other people may think and want versus centering what I want. I often decenter myself.

[mikky]

Hey Berkeley2003,
I find a lot of us are challenged to pick out what we want from what other people want for us, or what we think we should want, or limit ourselves in wanting at all because it feels bad or shameful to want. I’m glad this is something you are thinking about and willing to try centering yourself more.
When you reflect on the gender-affirming steps you have taken, like cutting your hair, do those moments feel like you were driven by what you wanted?
Have you identified what it is that you want? If yes, what do YOU want?
Are there specific people you consider the opinions of a lot/center? Is it more generally the idea of “other people”? Both?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I’m sorry for replying late.

Yes, I do want to attempt to center myself more. I honestly find that I’m fearful of centering myself more b/c it will somehow “push people away”. I don’t think that’s the case given the people I have in my circles. It’s an emotional fear.

When I cut my hair the shortest it’s ever been, it did feel like it was driven by my want. My hair is long at the moment, b/c I don’t have immediate money for a haircut. I want it to be short again and at the same time, I think the long hair grants me some safety. Safety as in typical immediate legibility as a “female”.

Have I identified what I want? That feels like such a tough question. I know I want to get over my stalling around going by my preferred name. I’m planning to chat with one friend and tell her. I think I’m interested in top surgery so I need to follow up with my provider. I don’t really know what to do about my pronouns? I’ve been mainly going by they/them in all my circles. I don’t know if I want he/him? I guess the only way is to know by earnestly trying than being afraid.

I think I center and worry about “other people” in general. I do feel like I consider the cis male gaze too much.

I wish this wasn’t so complicated. I wish I would focus more on what would make me happy in the long run.