Tampon kullanmama annem izin vermiyor

[Bitty]

Hi, I'm 16 years old and my mom doesn't allow me to use tampons. In fact, my friends' moms don't either. This is due to the fear of damaging the hymen, which is a very common mindset here in Turkey. Because of this, I have to struggle with pads during every period. My mom used to tell me that if anything enters the vagina, the person I marry in the future won't want me, and they will treat me as if I had sex with someone else before. But I just can't make her understand: why should I sacrifice my own comfort every month just to prove my virginity to men? I'm not having sex with anyone anyway; I'm just looking for a solution to live my life a bit more comfortably. Actually, I'm not asking for my mom's permission, I just don't want to hide it from her; I want her to know that I use it. I've never used one before, but I will eventually. I will definitely use it. If not now, I'll use it in a few years. What does this even have to do with marriage anyway? Plus, I know and hope that the person I marry in the future won't be this old-fashioned. Deep down, they might still think like this, but making my life harder just to prove myself to a man is ridiculous. Besides, who says I will even get married?A long time ago, I also inserted my finger. What happened now? Am I not a virgin anymore? It's such a ridiculous mindset. If that's the case, then no man is a virgin right now because most men have masturbated. When they do it, it's fine, but when girls do it, it becomes suspicious. Seriously, they must be joking.I've gone on too long, but in short, I'm afraid to use tampons because of societal norms.

[KierC]

Hi, Bitty! Welcome

You’re so right, the messages you’re receiving about virginity are fraught, unfair, and inaccurate. It is indeed a very ridiculous mindset, and I’m sorry to hear it’s making it more difficult to use tampons for your own comfort. It’s your choice to use any product you want for your period, and choosing a product you insert does not mean that a good partner will not want you or that you’re somehow “damaged” or changed in any way.

When you insert a tampon or anything inside the vaginal canal for the first time, the thin folds of tissue (the “hymen,” which is actually now called the corona — more on that here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/bodies/ ... urround-it) can gently stretch to accommodate insertion. This doesn’t change your vaginal canal at all, and it doesn’t make you any less desirable. Nobody is able to look at a vagina and tell if someone has had sex or inserted anything before, not even a doctor!

You’ll see in the article I linked just above that theres a lot of myths surrounding the hymen and the concept of virginity. The concept of virginity is pretty fraught in itself. While most people think of it as whether or not someone has had vaginal sex, we know that this framework is rooted in myths about female sexuality, and it’s predominantly used to denigrate women who have had sex and to control women (as you’re experiencing now, having to struggle with using a tampon because of the idea of virginity and the expectations placed on you). To answer your question, because most people do describe “virginity” as whether or not you’ve had vaginal sex, neither a tampon nor masturbation would make you not a virgin (in this fraught mindset, but anyway).

You’re also SO right that the right partner or potential husband will not shame you for having inserted anything inside your vagina, whether that’s a finger or a tampon or if you had sex. You can and should choose a partner who respects your autonomy and doesn’t shame you, so I’m glad you voiced that.

You should not have to sacrifice your comfort in order to “prove” your virginity. It’s not even possible to prove your virginity! But I do understand that you’re living in an environment where folks do believe in the concept of virginity, and I hear you that it’s impacting how comfortable you feel using a tampon.

You’re absolutely within your right to use tampons without informing your mom. This is ultimately something that is private to you and it’s your choice alone. Is there a reason why you want to tell her?

[Bitty]

Thank you so much for your answer KierC
I really want to use it, but like I said, if my mother found out I did it, she'd react like her world had fallen apart. I've tried talking to her about it before, but she hardly even listens to me.I've been thinking about saying I used it even though I haven't, to gauge her reaction, because if I do it secretly, I'll feel bad and if my mother finds out, I'll be in trouble. My mother thinks this is something extraordinary. I've done many things secretly from her before, but for this, I feel like I need her permission, her support. But if she really doesn't give permission, I won't care about her permissions anymore. This is my body, I should be able to make my own decisions. Thanks again for your answer!

[Latha]

Hello Bitty

I'm sorry to hear that your mother seems unable to question the things she has learnt about virginity and sexuality, to the point that she can't listen to you or support you in making your own choices right now. I am also all for your right to manage your periods in the way that makes you most comfortable, and to live your life without prioritizing the theoretical opinions of the kind of partner you would not even want for yourself.

If we're thinking about what you should do about all this, it might help to think a bit about possible outcomes. Do you have a sense of what kind of trouble you would be in if your mother found out that you are using tampons? If you told her that you've used tampons to see how she reacts, and then told her that you were lying, do you think she would believe you?

You do not actually have to have your mother's support to use tampons, but I understand why you would want it. You've said that you'll feel bad if you use tampons without her support now, and that if she doesn't give her permission here, you won't care about her permissions anymore. I want to point out that is is possible, but not always easy to go from caring to not caring about the approval of your parents. And if she disapproves and you decide to use tampons anyway, you may still have to keep it secret, and you might also end up dealing with increased scrutiny that makes keeping secrets difficult. Do you think you would be able to manage that?

[Bitty]

I didn't know what to say when I read what you wrote because you caught exactly what I'm going through If my mom finds out, all hell will break loose her reaction would be devastating. That's why even though making this choice without her approval and keeping it a secret will be very difficult for me I will take my time to clear my head and make the best decision for my own body Thank you for your realistic

[Anya]

Hey Bitty,

I think that's a very well informed way of thinking about this. You are weighing your options and taking into account how both your and your mother's emotions play into this decision. This is a great mindset. We are here if you want to talk more about this but we also trust that you will make the decision that is best for you <3