feeling so guilty cuz of erotica use

[UsernameTaken]

Hi im back to the boards

So I read smut occasionally maybe once or twice a week, and I enjoy it, but some time afterwards I'll get hit randomly with some crazy shame or guilt just for reading.

Now don't get me wrong, my parents are pretty open about this stuff (not that I want to start that conversation) and I'm not religious or anything. Idek why I feel guilty, it's maybe a conflict with my values? but in that case why do I enjoy using it?

And it normally only hits when everything's going well and we're doing something as a family, it's got to the point now where it's so painful that I sometimes just don't participate which makes me really sad.

So my question is, why do I feel so guilty so suddenly (comes out of nowhere) and how can I manage it?

Thanks

[char]

Hey UsernameTaken! I think there's no exact answer to your question, considering none of us know your entire life history and your personality, but perhaps we can discuss what influences your feelings and what you can do to navigate this guilt you have.

You mentioned in your post earlier this year that your parents told you that now wasn't the right time to watch erotic media--do you think that could make you feel guilty? I'd also like to make sure if I got your explanation correctly; when you said you end up not participating in family activities out of guilt, do you end up doing something else? If so, what do you usually end up doing?

Idek why I feel guilty, it's maybe a conflict with my values? but in that case why do I enjoy using it?

We can discuss this, if you'd like: as of now, what kind of values do you hold when it comes to engaging with erotic media? Why do you think it is conflicting with what you usually do?

In general, there are moments where we end up enjoying or at least being able to tolerate things we may not feel exactly aligned with, even when we clearly recognize that inconsistency/incongruence. I think that's part of growing up, in a way; sometimes there's no easy, black-or-white answer or solution to the issues we have, and that doesn't mean we're someone who lacks morals or is easily swayed. Do you get what I mean?

[UsernameTaken]

Hi, thanks for the quick reply!

I think yes my parents do have something to do with it - it's a mixed thing of "omg what if they find out" and "they'll be disappointed" but the latter is probably a bigger thing for me. I think I tend to overanalyse when I feel this way, and I feel like even if I stopped, the "damage" has already been done? (Damage in quotation marks bc even I don't know what damage)

When I avoid family time, it's usually just to be alone - I read or listen to music bc it helps me process things normally.

In terms of my values, that's the thing - I feel like I shouldn't engage with the media at all, and then feel guilty/ashamed of myself when I do. The conflict comes from my thinking I shouldn't, which clashes with my enjoyment when I do? Also I feel a bit isolated among my friend group who poke fun at any fleeting mention of anything sexual, but that's a lesser thing.

I hear you on the whole "part of growing up" thing, but it's never been this bad before (and this situation has come up before - that's where the "not the right time" part came from). I just feel like I'm fighting with myself sometimes

I'm a bit afraid that I've internalised the guilt; I mean, I'll just be doing something random and I'll have this sudden stomach drop moment of "omg i feel guilty now" out of the blue, and then that impacts my mood and how I behave and it's just exhausting!
There's no easy answer I get that, but there has to be some way to at least manage the feelings when they hit, right?

[char]

You're welcome! Just letting you know that I might not be able to reply until later in the week, but in the meantime, another volunteer might get to you as well (as you may have figured out).

I think being afraid of disappointing your parents makes a lot of sense here, even if you think it's not the most rational. After all, a majority of young people rely on their parents not just for basic needs, but also emotional security (including acceptance). This mindset can also be more prevalent if you grow up in communities or environments where obedience, especially to the elders in our family, is highly emphasized. Would you say this applies to you?

If your parents found out that you've been engaging with erotic media even after they told you it wasn't the time, sure, they could express their confusion/frustration. At the same time, they could also be understanding in their own ways, considering they were once your age, and probably have tried navigating this issue themselves. (Though, it's important to note that their circumstances, being people who lived in a different time when they were your age, may not be the exact same as yours.) Do you get what I mean?

Lastly (for now), when it comes to overanalyzing things, how does that look like for you? I asked this because I wonder if it looks like sorting the pros and cons, like explained in this article about navigating sexuality-related risks, is something you can look into. Our latest article on porn and sex "addiction" can also be something you want to read: The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"

Feel free to check the articles out if you haven't, and let me know what you think