Hi. So I’m a gay trans man and I’ve never had sex before, but I want to in the future. But I’m scared, that I’ll have to wait until I’m post-op because I won’t be desirable and it would be annoying to my future partner if I kept my shirt on. And I’m scared that I’ll find someone but they will be turned off by my genitals, even though I don’t want them to really engage with it. And overall I’m just scared that being trans will either be less desirable or my partner would see me as a girl, and that me being trans and having too much restrictions for sex would be less desirable too.
Also, I still have never been able to get an orgasm and It’s really annoying me. My mind is aroused, but my body isn’t if that makes sense, and it’s been like this my whole life. And I don’t know what to do, and also sex toys are off the table because I live with my parents. I want masturbation to feel as good as people say it does but most of the time I feel nothing when I do it.
Being trans and having sex
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Re: Being trans and having sex
Hi there blahaj78! I'm sorry that you're feeling so trapped and scared. The prospect of finding a dating and/or sex partner makes a lot of young adults feel that way, and being trans can add an extra layer of worry.
To start with the first part of your post, we have a great article about this: Trans Summer School: Dating While Trans, Yes You Can! One of the things it mentions is that fears about not being able to find someone to date who will also treat you the way you want to be treated are common, but they often lessen as you get to know more trans/gender non-conforming people. Often a big part of the worry and anxiety about finding a partner is because we don't have good models of what a relationship that involves people like us look like. Meeting other trans guys who are in relationships could help you feel less alone.
That article also has some good, specific advice on how to talk to a partner about your gender and about your sexual boundaries and desires. An important thing to keep in mind is that you're not the only person who will have restrictions/boundaries on what you want to do sexually. No matter what gender they are, people have different comfort levels and different things they find enjoyable, so a fundamental part of sex is about figuring out how you and your partner fit together in terms of your needs and wants. For example, we have this whole list for helping partners talk about what sexual things they're comfortable with: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. A piece of advice that I would give to anyone is that if a person ever makes you feel like you have too many sexual restrictions, that person isn't a good partner for you.
The dating while trans article also talks a little bit about masturbation, but I want to direct you to another of my favorite masturbation resources as well: Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation, plus our article about how to make sex toys if you're not in a position to buy them: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. My number one piece of masturbation advice is that it's important to start in a comfortable state, and for people who have negative feelings about their body or fears about sex, that can be really challenging! It might take some problem solving to think about how you could make yourself feel more comfortable in your body when you're trying to masturbate. One place to start would be to ask yourself what are the non-sexual things that feel most comfortable and gender-affirming to you? Is there anything in your life that makes you feel really good about your body, your gender, or just being yourself?
To start with the first part of your post, we have a great article about this: Trans Summer School: Dating While Trans, Yes You Can! One of the things it mentions is that fears about not being able to find someone to date who will also treat you the way you want to be treated are common, but they often lessen as you get to know more trans/gender non-conforming people. Often a big part of the worry and anxiety about finding a partner is because we don't have good models of what a relationship that involves people like us look like. Meeting other trans guys who are in relationships could help you feel less alone.
That article also has some good, specific advice on how to talk to a partner about your gender and about your sexual boundaries and desires. An important thing to keep in mind is that you're not the only person who will have restrictions/boundaries on what you want to do sexually. No matter what gender they are, people have different comfort levels and different things they find enjoyable, so a fundamental part of sex is about figuring out how you and your partner fit together in terms of your needs and wants. For example, we have this whole list for helping partners talk about what sexual things they're comfortable with: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist. A piece of advice that I would give to anyone is that if a person ever makes you feel like you have too many sexual restrictions, that person isn't a good partner for you.
The dating while trans article also talks a little bit about masturbation, but I want to direct you to another of my favorite masturbation resources as well: Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation, plus our article about how to make sex toys if you're not in a position to buy them: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition. My number one piece of masturbation advice is that it's important to start in a comfortable state, and for people who have negative feelings about their body or fears about sex, that can be really challenging! It might take some problem solving to think about how you could make yourself feel more comfortable in your body when you're trying to masturbate. One place to start would be to ask yourself what are the non-sexual things that feel most comfortable and gender-affirming to you? Is there anything in your life that makes you feel really good about your body, your gender, or just being yourself?
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