Sexual Trauma & OCD Compulsions

[mabelbell]

Hi, this is a very vulnerable post for me to make but I genuinely feel like I cannot talk about this to anyone in my life.

I’m a 20 year old girl and I’m a victim of assault and grooming from a young age. I’ve also had unrestricted internet access since I was a child. A third thing? I have OCD. These all come together to make my experience with sexuality extremely weird.

I have used pornography as a stress reliever since I was a child, and it was never restricted. Instead, it was encouraged. I am out of these situations but I fell into this loop, and I’ve felt disgusting with myself ever since. I believe it’s become some sort of compulsion for me to just continue to watch porn or read porn nightly. Sometimes it goes into the more taboo side. I don’t want to think of any of this. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts about hardcore sexual things and it keeps coming to my mind, and I feel so guilty for it. Even typing this out makes me feel like I’m secretly a predator or something. I’ve felt this way since I’ve been a kid. I’ve been researching on sexual assault and how it relates to future sexual intercourse and I’ve come to realize most of the things I’m into end up being extremely hardcore due to my past. Something about the concept of being used like those in the videos or in the books is so appealing. Maybe I just want control over it? Is it some weird, twisted way to reclaim it? When I was younger like a kid the videos I watched were even worse. I was 14 watching horrible things I don’t even want to describe. Now, when it’s taboo to that level where real people could be harmed (age gaps, r*pe fetishes, etc) I stick to animated videos or fanfiction. I still feel like shit for it.

I’m terrified to face this guilt and I don’t know what to do. This is the closest I am to doing that. I tell myself I’m not harming anyone (but myself) but I keep indulging in these things that are unhealthy for me to watch and see. The compulsion has become a weird form of self harm. I feel disgusting, I can’t put it down.

I just really want to rekindle my relationship with my sexuality and work things out. I’m terrified to talk to my therapist about it because the thought of saying it out loud is scary. I’d have to do it when I’m completely alone so parents don’t hear. I feel like I can only talk about this anonymously.

I guess I just ask for reassurance that I’m not a bad person? For this? My OCD goes into morality as well and I’m convinced I’m secretly a pedophile or something. It’s my worst fear to ever harm a kid like it was done to me, and I’d never consciously do it, but even saying that worries me because I’m scared my intrusive thoughts will take over or something.

Thank you.

[Anya]

Hey mabelbell,

Welcome to the boards.

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear how troubling this has been for you. It's always very difficult when you don't feel in total control of your own mind/thoughts, but straight away I do want to say it actually seems like you're doing a really good job with how you're thinking about this (even if it doesn't feel like it).

To be clear, what we can provide is education and some empathy, but as hard as it is to hear, this is going to be supported best in a therapeutic setting. It is totally understandable to be scared of this, especially admitting these things out loud to another person. There are things that can help with this like showing a therapist this post or saying it with your eyes closed, but I must insist that for any in-depth support it is our recommendation that you seek a therapist to help you more deeply than we can.

With that said, I want to acknowledge what I meant when I said I think you're actually doing a really good job so far, and then we can talk about extra stuff to hopefully make things a bit better. So the things I want to commend you on are thinking of this as a "compulsion" and not an "addiction." Many people spiral when they call a compulsion an addiction because it sounds like it's totally out of control, or that porn is "addictive" in nature, which it is not. It can be compulsive though, like sweets or video games, which is common to want all the time, but can of course be overcome for a more balanced lifestyle. Too, seeing the difference between fantasizing about something because of its taboo, instead of the actualized event. For people with OCD this can be a difficult one to mentally separate, but it is very important to remember the kinds of porn people watch are not always indicative of what they want in real life. Because we understand this difference and we would never assume that what you watch determines whether or not you would harm others. We know that you don't want to and won't, we believe you.

The real harm really is, like you said, to you more than anyone else when something ( porn, gaming, shopping, social media, etc.) gets in the way of you living the life you want. Like I said before, this isn't something that we can help you with long term, but I do want you to know that everything really is ok. You will be ok, and this is absolutely changeable with some help. You are not a bad person, and you coming here asking for help shows me you care and want to be your best self which is what is really important at the end of the day. I think your best next steps are to seek out therapy and honestly, cut yourself some slack. Shaming yourself day in and out for this won't actually help you get where you want to go. So let's just focus on one thing at a time.

Here are some articles with more info on related topics for you to browse. Too, if you search keywords in the search bar for the boards you will find tons of other posts by other people with similar fears if that would make you feel any less alone in this.
The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"
How To Approach Sexual Fantasy And Desire On Your Own Terms