Refusal to forgive myself

[thefinalribbon]

Hi again, Scarleteen. I’ve spoken with you previously about guilt for my actions towards others in the past. I still have unresolved guilts, and would like honest answers from women about my behaviors. I’ll be straight to the point.

Once in my senior year of high school (i was 18), I put my hands around a girl’s neck as a “joke”. It didn’t cross my mind how this could make her uncomfortable, until I saw her face, and it set in that I had done something awful. She forgave me (seemingly) quickly; still feeling comfortable talking to me and pairing up with me on school projects and such.

I unfortunately wish I was born female. While I won’t be pursuing social transition (I think) for many different reasons, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that situations like this, and situations like when I would pressure females; one into lifting up her shirt when I was 5 despite her saying no, dropping a pencil under the desk to look up a girl’s dress in Kindergarten when i was 6, and coercing one (who is now a man), into sending me pictures and touching my penis when I was 13, aren’t the biggest reasons as to why I can’t bring myself to claim “womanhood”.

It hurts, so much. I know, I deserve the pain, but it still hurts and it makes me hate being alive because I can’t take any of it back. I want to “deserve” to be a woman so badly, yet I never will because of the misogyny I perpetuated; the ways I contributed to the horrible ways females are treated growing up, while I benefitted from male privilege, according to others.

I’m pleading for an answer from women, for a final closure. Do I truly deserve to claim being a woman. Because to myself, I sure don’t. And it makes me dread the rest of my life. But, if it would make women more comfortable, I can accept it.

[Latha]

Hi there, Thefinalribbon

I'm still thinking about it, but womanhood might end up being a part-time occupation for me. So, I will ask our other volunteers/staff to check in on this, but I hope I can say something to help you feel better while I'm here today. In short: yes, you do deserve to claim being a woman.

I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with guilt over your actions in the past. Your post here does touch on some things you've discussed with us previously, and I still agree with everything we told you then. Would you go back and read that last conversation, and tell us what parts stand out to you?

The way you describe behaving with girls as a child was not okay, but it is far from unusual. Certainly, there can be a gendered pattern to how people raised as boys treat girls, but girls can and do act in misogynistic, sexualized, or boundary-pushing ways. In a case that seems similar to yours, when I was in... second or third grade? I had a classmate who would peek underneath the divider between restroom stalls to look at what someone else was doing, and be quite touchy in general. I never said anything because this girl told me not to, but someone eventually told a teacher. I believe she stopped after she was spoken to.

I was uncomfortable, but I don't think this girl was evil or unredeemable. She was just a curious and mischievous child who was not being attentive to the boundaries of the people she interacted with. That problem was neatly managed with some clear guidance--something I wish you had more of.

The experiences people have when they are identified as female by others can make them more familiar with and thus able to recognize misogyny, but the problem is not primarily or only the sexism of those raised as boys--it is a society that teaches everyone some very unhelpful ideas about how we should treat each other. As a whole, we definitely do not do enough to teach people how to contextualize their desires, communicate about what they want, and really listen to what other people want. I have a feeling a better education would have prevented some of the experiences that hurt you so much now.

Once in my senior year of high school (i was 18), I put my hands around a girl’s neck as a “joke”...

That is a joke I have seen a few times before myself, including between girls. Yes, it sounds like that might have been scary for your classmate. But I think you have to give yourself credit for recognizing that your classmate was uncomfortable and changing your behavior. The fact that she chose to pair up with you on school projects speaks well to how you handled that.

I hear that you are concerned that you contributed to the ways in which growing up as a girl can be hard, especially in the context of being a 'boy' interacting with girls. I am familiar with that gendered dynamic, and I do take it seriously--I have had my share of scary experiences with men. But the most invasive and misogynistic examinations of my body have been conducted by other girls and women. Anyone can perpetuate misogyny. I would trust someone like you, who cares about not doing that, more than anyone invested in drawing rigid lines between genders, framing themselves as someone who cannot hurt others, and treating those who make mistakes like they cannot learn to be better. None of that makes for a safer, less misogynistic world.

If you go asking, there are too many people out there perfectly willing to tell you that all your worst fears are justified. But why should they speak for all women? Why should their words matter more than ours, more than those of your therapists and mother, or more than those of your female friends who've told you that they feel safe around you? Resentful or bigoted people might say otherwise, but your suffering will not improve the lives of women or dismantle the patriarchy.

Women who have been misogynistic in the past (that is most women since we live in sexist societies, by the way) do not lose the right to be women. You are not an exception. Womanhood is not something you have to earn. You being a woman takes nothing away from other women. Your happiness as a woman will, however, be a part of what makes being a woman good. Does that line of thinking make sense?

If I may ask, where are you hearing these messages that make you question whether you are allowed to be a woman?

[mikky]

in my opinion, nobody deserves or doesn't deserve to be a woman, or any gender. We don't earn our way into gender. And womanhood is not some morally pure castle only held for those who can show they have never caused harm.

I find everything Latha said to be deeply true and insightful, I hope you can read and re-read that. I don't know that we can offer you any kind of "closure" here, because I think it seems like you are probably seeking a different answer than what we'll give. I wonder if you've been asking these questions elsewhere in venues where people might be giving you a harsh and untrue idea of who "deserves" to be a woman.

I don't think your suffering or guilt is serving you or anyone. I am very concerned about this- do you have legitimate support for mental health where you can work through some of this?