new to relationships, feeling sexual shame/self-consciousness

[atthemall3]

So I'm 17, FTM, in a relationship with someone, but it's kind of new. We've been talking for a while, though, and I'm comfortable with her and I trust her, but I haven't been in a "relationship" since middle school (about 13), and that barely counted and was never sexual.

Fast forward to now, I'm older, and relationships are more serious. Right now, she and I are long-distance, and we have good communication and all, and she is very good at expressing her desires and needs and comfort, and I do really admire that in her. I knew what I was getting into when I started dating her; it's not really a surprise, but the sexual aspect of everything was something I was shying away from for as long as I could.

Long story short, she wants to sext (I'm not sharing photos or anything; it's just messages, and she likes roleplay), and I'm all good with it except I'm struggling to get past my own weird feelings about it. I've always been self-conscious, and always harbored a lot of guilt for random stuff, so whenever I try, I just feel REALLY fucking stupid and cringe, and in the morning I'm like "ugh, why did I say that?" and it really really bothers me. I want to be able to do things with her without wanting to die in a hole after. I just don't want it to be awkward; I want it to be fun lmao.

I also think I kind of feel guilty because even though I'm not that far off from being a legal adult and it's not unheard of for people my age to do sexual things whatsoever, I can't stop thinking about "ugh, my mom would be so disappointed/disgusted" even though my mom was like relatively open and sex positive with me (though things with my parents have been complex in the past). Or I'll keep thinking about other people who hold authoritative or parent-like relationships towards me, and I feel a lot of shame. I was raised Catholic, which also doesn't help, because it was always like "why spread your legs when you could spread the Gospel?!" I'm an atheist now, but I still harbor that shame. Honestly, I feel kind of ashamed for even wanting it to be fun in the first place, which is a really shitty mindset, and I'm trying to work on this, but I don't know how. Any advice is appreciated

[Anya]

Hey there atthemall3,

You're totally right about relationships getting pretty complex as you age. It's always a bit scary to open up to new people and let them into your life, especially intimately. That fear is unfortunately not something we can just do away with, so the best option usually is to at least be honest about it. It takes a lot of courage to name these things and be vulnerable, so I commend you for making this post when it can be scary or awkward to write things like this out. My best advice to you in this situation is to share the same opportunity with your partner. I know it may not be what you want to hear but being vulnerable in a relationship is often the thing that strengthens it the most. Especially long-distance, communication sometimes is the best thing you got, ya know? I think sharing these fears with her so she can know what page you're on allows her to join you there so you can both take on this new experience together.

I do also want to mention, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to sext either. There is no universal sexual timeline, and if it's actually not something you want to do you are completely valid in that. Even if she wants to. But assuming you do have an interest, the best cure for awkwardness is communication.

Regarding the shame and guilt feelings, first of all, these are super common and quite normal. Especially for someone who grew up Catholic, i'm sure you know where you might have gotten some of those ideas that sex or sexuality are "wrong," or "dirty." These are not thoughts that are going to go away overnight, so instead of trying to rid yourself of them, think about how you might take in and try to believe new thoughts like "expressing my sexuality is a normal, natural part of growing up," or "my mom would not be disappointed in me for expressing my sexuality with someone I care about." Of course saying these things is easier to think than to believe, but the point is to try and think critically about what kind of messaging you want to tell yourself. I trust that you know what is right for you, and it's just going to take practice.

I have a few articles I'd like to share with you and you might resonate with something from them. Let me know how you're feeling when you've given them a look.
- Undoing Sexual Shame
- Be A Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats And Hows Of Talking About Sex With A Partner