Friends, Benefits, and In-betweens

[Anand]

Hi, I'm Andy, and I've got a question about sex in relationships!

I've been getting closer to this friend, and I enjoy spending time with her. At first, we were just acquaintances because of our common friend groups, but now we're starting to spend more time with just the two of us. She's really awesome, and it's amazing to have another Queer friend. We're able to have conversations about everything, especially topics such as intimacy and erotic literature.

I really enjoy spending time with her, and I value her wholeheartedly as a person too! However, she is also my type, and I am very attracted to her. The thing is, I don't think we'd be compatible romantically; I believe our sexual preferences align. I'd really like to ask if we could be friends-with-benefits (FWB), but there are a few issues...

1) She's already interested in someone. She said it's something that isn't time-consuming, and she doesn't have plans to act on it. However, I still don't want to seem disrespectful of her own interests, just because I'm interested.

2) She is very friendly with me. Not in a flirty way, but in an "I like you just as a friend way. I understand this doesn't mean she might not be interested, but I don't want to assume either.

3) I'm a bit scared that what I'm asking might not be appropriate. I'm not scared of her reaction or what she might say, but more that I may make her uncomfortable by asking. We're both mature, and we both talk about sex. But is it ok for teenagers to be FWB, or is that something I should wait for when I'm older?

At the end of the day, I'd like to continue being her friend, whether we become FWBs or not. However, I'm not sure if I should even approach the topic or have this conversation in the first place.

I'd really like to hear another person's opinion on this!

Cheers,

Andy

[char]

Hey Andy! I'm glad that you got a friend who seems to be interested in you as a person and is also queer. It's no wonder that you're wondering about pursuing a friends with benefits (FWB) arrangement with her.

As you can read in this advice column about FWB, the best way to know if your friend is interested in adding physical intimacy into the two of you's relationship--which is what FWB is to a lot of folks--is to ask her. It doesn't need to be called an "FWB" if the name feels uncomfortable. People of all ages can definitely do this, provided that they understand the risks that come with having sex (not just physical, but also mental; and this also applies to anyone wanting to have sex, not just in a relationship model like this) and that their expectations are aligned. When discussing this with her, it's good to identify the kinds of activity you're comfortable and uncomfortable with beforehand. That way, you'll be more prepared in your offering. Have you been able to put your thoughts into that? Also, what are the things that worry you the most when it comes to getting in a sexual relationship?

I hope this should be easier for you to do, especially if this wouldn't be the first time you talked about sex with her. If she ended up saying no, at least you got that answer from actually talking to her about it, rather than only keeping it in mind.

[Anand]

Hello!

Thank you for the response!

When discussing this with her, it's good to identify the kinds of activity you're comfortable and uncomfortable with beforehand.

I know what I want and I have a brief idea of what she’d be interested in too. But that’s a good reminder, and I’ll make sure to include that in the conversation!

Also, what are the things that worry you the most when it comes to getting in a sexual relationship?

What I’m worried about is the fact that she has told me she has a crush on someone. Even though she said it wasn’t a large part of her life, I don’t want to ignore that part. Should I even bring this up if she’s already into someone? If I were to ask her about having an intimate relationship, should I acknowledge the crush?

An aspect I am thinking about is contracting an STI or herpes. Even if both partners have never been sexually intimate with each other or another person, I believe there’s still a risk with herpes since in can be contracted during childhood. (Do correct me if I’m wrong!)

However, I’ve been reading some of the articles here, and I believe I have the means of protection for oral and manual sex.

The only thing is, I don’t have access to lube. What can I use as lube if I don’t have regular lube?

Another aspect I am worried about is not disclosing my sex life with my parents. On one hand, I want to be more open with them about relationships and my health. We’ve been working on our communication, and not disclosing this feels like I’m going against them. On the other hand, like most teenagers, talking about sex is still an embarrassing subject. I’m still working on talking about Queer topics with them, but the big sex talk still feels daunting. Any advice?

I hope this wasn’t too convoluted! Thanks again for the response and I hope to talk to y’all soon!

Cheers,

Andy