Female friends

[SilverFalcon92]

Is having female friends as a guy a bad thing? I’m starting to become more interested in female friends than male friends for the past months now. I heard that "men and women can’t be friends" or "one’s gonna end up catching feelings" for me I disagree with those terms and yes catching feelings can happen but at the same time it’s possible to not want anything more than just friends. It will be nice to start off as friends and then relationship since I’ll know the person for a while. Communication for me is very important and having those discussions with that person is important since it’ll help not being lead on and not being heart broken. So is having female friends a bad thing or is it a good thing I wanna know your opinion and thoughts on this.

[Anya]

Hey SilverFalcon92,

I think this is a good question to ask, why people hold this idea that people of differing genders can't be friends. It sure was a common sentiment for many years, with films like When Harry Met Sally trying to drill into us the idea that "men and women can't be friends." The reality is though, there are tons of opportunities for friendships with people regardless of gender that may become available to you if you open yourself up to them, which it sounds like you're interested in doing!

Binary gendered thinking like this about "men" and "women" in general sets up a few distinct thought patterns for us when we separate people solely based on gender. It may encourage us to presume that "men" and "women" inherently think differently because of biological dissimilarities (which has completely been disproved), or that, like you said, any friendship between people who were socialized as boys and girls growing up will inevitably lead to them "catching feelings" and not being able to sustain a friendship. This kind of thinking reproduces pretty heteronormative values though, with the idea that both theoretical "man" and "woman" are by default, heterosexual, and also therefore interested in anyone of another sex.

I think it's generally best to be open to friendships of all kinds, as you can learn so much from people with differing thoughts, values, or lived experience to you. Do you agree?

[SilverFalcon92]

It feels refreshing not having to think man and woman can’t be friends. I’m glad most of it is made up by cultural and not biological. I do agree that attraction and feelings can happen. It definitely is oversimplifying now I think about it. In my opinion people need to be honest and have good communication and boundaries so that way you can maintain a healthy friendship. I know for me I’ll be honest with that person and just confess to them and if they don’t wanna pursue a relationship than that’s perfectly okay. For me I’ll just partway from that person and that’s because I wanna have some dignity and self respect. I don’t think it’s right for me to stay in a friendship where I’m catching feelings and being romantically interested in.

[KierC]

Hey there!

It is quite refreshing isn’t it? I’ve found a lot of comfort and shared experiences with friends of differing genders, even genders that align with my sexuality. I think it’s totally possible to have friendships with people of any gender, to be honest.

You’re right, too, if you end up feeling uncomfortable in a particular friendship because you’re experiencing romantic attraction, it’s ok to talk about it or step away. It’s also okay to experience different kinds of attraction to friends and remain friends! It’s quite normal to feel attraction to your friends at some points. It doesn’t mean it has to go anywhere necessarily. Sometimes I look at my friends and feel romantic attraction or sexual attraction, and I just like to sit with that feeling and appreciate it for what it is, without worrying that I’m wanting anything in our friendship to change. Does that make sense?

Also I was thinking about your question, and I see a pattern of thinking within this framework of heteronormativity and the gender binary. Maybe the question could also be phrased “is it possible to be friends with someone of the gender I’m attracted to?” to be more inclusive of other genders and sexualities besides heterosexuality and the binary of man/woman. What do you think of that idea?