how can I discover what my body likes?

[moralisa]

Hello,

I've been in a relationship for three years (a bit of a long-distance relationship) and I have a fairly active sex life, but I feel like I don't know what my own pleasure is. I want to have sex, I'm often mentally aroused, but physically I feel very little. It's as if the mental excitement motivates me to do it, and once I'm in the moment, I just want it to be over; there's a drop in desire...

What also bothers me is that when I feel a strong sexual urge, now instead of turning to my boyfriend, I sometimes turn to porn. And that can make me feel guilty, because I sometimes feel like I'm just watching others enjoy themselves, almost like a form of voyeurism.

At the same time, it's practically the only thing that used to give me a feeling of sexual satisfaction. I should clarify that I don't even masturbate while watching: simply watching can give me a kind of mental satisfaction. However, when I try to masturbate myself, with my fingers or a toy, I feel very little pleasure, sometimes almost nothing. I've never really managed to find a way to touch myself that makes me want to continue or that triggers a real surge of pleasure. Lately, I've also found myself watching this for hours and feeling envious that I can't experience what these people feel.

With my boyfriend, it's slightly different, despite the physical and mental attraction. When he touches me with his fingers, I can feel satisfaction, and it's probably the activity that currently gives me the most pleasure. But even then, it's rarely anything very intense. As for the rest, whether it's penetration or other practices, my sensations seem rather lackluster compared to the level of arousal I feel mentally. It's like I could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me. It's also created a kind of regret within me. Before, I enjoyed masturbating him and things like that, but for the past few months I haven't felt the desire anymore. It's as if I know in advance that what comes after won't please me, so I no longer see the point in pleasing him knowing I'll be left unsatisfied.

So, I don't really know where the problem lies. Do I simply not know my own body yet? Is the way my boyfriend stimulates me not right for me? Do I need a different kind of stimulation? And above all, how can I learn what I like if even when I touch myself, I feel very little?

Regarding pornographic content, I've also recently started wondering if my approach to it is problematic. It's not something I watch constantly: I might watch it for a few days or a week, then stop completely for several weeks or months. It's mainly when I have a very strong sexual urge that the desire returns, almost as if I'm breaking a period of abstinence. In the moment, I sometimes feel like I really need it to get that mental satisfaction, even though afterward I can go a very long time without it again.

Did any of you experience a lot of mental arousal from videos or fantasies, but very little sensation when touching yourselves? How did you discover what you enjoyed physically? Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?

Thank you for reading and for your responses.

[Becky]

Hi moralisa, welcome to the boards!

Ok, I'm gonna try and break down the things I hear happening.

1) You're feeling sexual arousal either from porn or being with your boyfriend, but once things start getting more physical you aren't experiencing the sensation you hoped for and your desire drops/you start to wish for the moment to be over.

I have a couple of questions here. Sorry to get a bit personal, but what kind of sexual activity are you engaging in with yourself and your boyfriend? You mentioned sometimes using your fingers or a toy. Are these toys vibrating? Are they dildos meant to be inserted into the vagina?

I ask because you said two things. That you could "could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me". I think what you might mean here is that outercourse (touching the vulva/clitoris with fingers, toys, or a tongue) is more pleasurable than intercourse (a toy, fingers, or a penis being inserted into the vagina). Does that sound correct? Because it is pretty common for people with vulvas and vaginas to get more pleasure from clitoral stimulation than vaginal.

You also said, "Did anything help you transition from primarily mental pleasure to more intense physical pleasure?" Have you been finding the physical pleasure too intense? Sometimes vibrators or direct stimulation to the clitoris can be too much. Sometimes, touching around the clitoris or keeping underwear or a layer of fabric on top can help reduce some of the overstimulation.

Also, how have YOU been feeling lately? How is your mental health? Have you been sleeping? Sexual pleasure is a whole body experience. If we're going through a "low" period in our lives that can very easily affect how we're feeling sexually.

2) You have some concerns about your pornography consumption.

Nothing you said sounds concerning to me. Is there a reason you are concerned about it?

I'm going to leave some articles here for you to check out related to these topics:

On Sexual Pleasure:
I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

On pornography:
Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography
The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"

[moralisa]

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yes, you've summed up my situation quite well.
On my own, I've tried pleasuring myself using my imagination or while watching porn, but the sensation was more disturbing than pleasurable, and it never gave me any pleasure.

I also bought a toy with a vibrating clitoral stimulator and a vaginal stimulator. Vaginal stimulation gives me practically no sensation, even when I watch porn at the same time. As for the clitoral stimulator, the sensation is more like tickling than arousal. I also don't feel any arousal from touching my erogenous or intimate areas.
My boyfriend and I don't use any toys yet. For now, we're trying to understand what might actually give me pleasure with different practices: oral sex, fingering, and penetrative sex.
Oral sex doesn't give me any particular sensation: it's neither unpleasant nor particularly pleasurable. On the other hand, internal fingering is currently my favorite practice, because it's the only one during which I feel any satisfaction from receiving it.

You mentioned possible clitoral overstimulation. How can one know if that's the case? It's true that every time I've used my vibrator, I've placed it directly on my clitoris. However, I haven't found the sensation particularly intense. The pleasure doesn't even build gradually: it's really comparable to someone tickling you and making you laugh so hard you can't help it. I hope the comparison is understandable, because I have trouble describing the feeling.

Regarding porn, what worries me most is its effect on my relationship with my own sexuality. The more I watch it, the more I want to experience sex that would give me the level of arousal I see on screen, and the more frustrated I feel with my own sexual experiences with my boyfriend.

This is even starting to diminish my desire to have sex with him, because I'm already anticipating that I'll end up unsatisfied. So sometimes, I prefer to watch porn in secret (without touching myself, and sometimes for several hours at a time) and live with that frustration. Then I wait until I reach a very high level of arousal again, I try to have sex with my boyfriend again, I'm disappointed again, and then the cycle starts all over again.

What I really don't understand is why my most intense moments of arousal happen when I watch other people having sex, while I feel much less when I'm actually engaging in sexual activity myself. I'm a little ashamed of this situation, and that's also why I don't talk to my boyfriend about my viewing habits.
All of this makes me wonder if my arousal is primarily psychological, or if I can also experience a much greater physical pleasure. To be honest, I'm afraid I'll never discover that feeling. I also wonder how to know what my body likes when even my own attempts at masturbation bring me practically nothing. What do you think?

[amber]

Hi moralisa,

I hear you on your struggles, it sounds frustrating to be experiencing pretty specific periods of arousal without the pay off you are hoping for.

The first thing I am thinking is in regards to the pleasure you described while watching porn. It is ok and not uncommon to feel sexual pleasure around watching people have sex while not necessarily being involved. Have you ever thought about taking that fantasy into the sex you have with your partner? Would it sound appealing to watch them do something like masturbate while you watch? This could be a way to pull your fantasy into you sex life and physical stimulation.

On the toys you brought up, I do think direct clitoral vibration could be a little intense to start. Do you enjoy rubbing or touching your clit without the toy?

I also wanna mention that enjoying fingering from your partner, and not yourself, is not uncommon. The angle is simply different when it's your own hand vs someone elses.

That's a lot thrown at ya. Does that feel like it answers your questions?

[moralisa]

Yes, the thought of watching him masturbate has crossed my mind. The idea appeals to me and awakens a real curiosity within me. But in practice, as soon as we start something like that, we very quickly end up having regular sex, and the same pattern repeats itself: I'm aroused at first, then once we're in the act, I feel little pleasure and end up frustrated.

I've also tried rubbing and touching my clitoris with my fingers, without a toy, but unfortunately, it does practically nothing for me. It's almost as if my body is insensitive to my own touch. With a vibrator, I mostly feel tickling, but not a surge of pleasure.
So I think I'm still quite perplexed about the core of my problem: how do you discover what you like when almost everything you try provides little or no sensation? How do you know what kind of stimulation can truly give me pleasure if I haven't yet found something that makes me want to continue?

[amber]

I hear you on the struggle or almost frustration with this. I will say I think it is much more likely a mental block than something physical. Focusing on what we know makes you feel good (or mentally aroused) sounds like the best bet.

I know you said you've tried to watch your partner in the past, but I'm wondering if you simply do not do it with the goal of leading to anything else. Instead you do it completely for the sake of your mental arousal. This would likely require a conversation with you partner about what you've been struggling with. Have you guys talked about this at all?

[moralisa]

Yes, I had already talked to him about some of my concerns, but not in as much detail as I have here. He thought we might be putting too much pressure on ourselves to please each other and that we should simply try to be more present in the moment. We tried approaching sex that way, but it didn't really change how I feel.

I think I understand what you're suggesting: not necessarily aiming for full intercourse, but focusing on just one thing that excites me or gives me at least a little pleasure, without it having to lead to sexual intercourse, is that right?

My fear is that if we slow down but most of the stimulation remains neutral for me, I'll just end up getting bored and we'll fall back into the same problem. Right now, internal fingering is really the only thing that gives me any satisfaction.

In that case, how would you go about transforming this type of experience into something useful for discovering what I enjoy, rather than simply repeating acts that don't give me much? And do you think I should, for a while, completely remove the practices that don't give me anything and focus solely on fingering?

[amber]

That is great that you have talked about this. I do agree that taking away pressure is good but I also think it is helpful for him, and you, to be working towards your pleasure actively.

Yes that is exactly what I mean! Watch for the sake of watching him and see where that goes. It seems like you also let your worries of past experiences jump into the suggestions to try something new. This is where pressure needs to be taken off. So what if you watch your partner, he gets off and you still feel unsatisfied - you tried something you thought would be exciting and it didnt work out the way you planned. The flip side is it can work out in ways you can not anticipate, so I suggest maybe trying without any assumptions or expectations.

I do think you should stop doing things that you do not like. We know that those things arnt working right now so there is no need to keep pushing. Instead it may be helpful to focusing on fingering (cause you know you like it). You could also play around with different positions or scenarios that incorporate fingering to change things up.

[moralisa]

I'm going to try this with my boyfriend, especially watching him without immediately having sex. And I think it's reassuring that you told me to stop doing things that don't give me any pleasure for now, because I was afraid we'd have to keep trying everything over and over again.
So I'm going to start with fingering since it's the only thing I enjoy a little, and try to vary things around that.

I think my last concern is mainly what to do if, despite all this, I find that my pleasure is still very low. Would that simply mean I should keep exploring, or at some point should I look for another explanation?

[Latha]

Hi there, Moralisa.

I hope it is alright that I reply to your post while I'm on shift today--I've caught up with the conversation you've had with Amber and Becky. I'm glad Amber's advice was reassuring, and your plan sounds good!

To answer your question: So long as you are interested in sex, I think exploration is something you can do over time. It wouldn't be either keep exploring or look at other explanations--you can do both. Did you have anything specific in mind when you were thinking of other explanations?

To return to something Becky touched on earlier, if you are having trouble translating mental arousal to physical pleasure, it might help to consider the latter in other contexts. Have you had a chance to read our piece on pleasure and fulfillment? As the article asks, what does physical pleasure look like for you outside of sex? Can you think of some physical sensations that feel very fulfilling for you?

[moralisa]

Hi, thanks for your reply.

When I mentioned other explanations, I was mainly thinking about the possibility that there might be something physical or otherwise causing me to feel very little sensation. Not necessarily a serious problem, but I sometimes wonder if my body is just less sensitive, or if it's really primarily a matter of discovery and context.

As for physical pleasure outside of sex, I'd never really thought about it that way. I can enjoy certain sensations like a massage, warmth, being under a blanket, certain caresses, or simply lying down, but I don't know if I would call that "intense" pleasure.

I think what's bothering me is that I can easily identify what's pleasant or comfortable in other contexts, but sexually I have much more trouble identifying a sensation that makes me want more of it.

I'm going to read the article, because I think this question can help me think differently.

[Latha]

You could certainly check in with a doctor, but I can't imagine that this is simply a case of your body in particular being less sensitive. Discovery and context really do play a big role for many people, and it isn't unusual for exploration like this to take a while. I do wish we could give you a more straightforward solution though.

I'm glad you can easily identify what feels good outside of sex. I understand it can be frustrating if you are having a hard time translating that knowledge to how you feel during sex, but it is an important starting point. To bring this a little closer, have you ever asked your boyfriend to give you a massage? If lying down feels pleasurable, do you often feel the same pleasure when you lie down together?

Too, on your own or with your partner, how does it feel to imagine yourself in the same situations you see in pornography?

You can take your time, but let us know what you think once you read the article.

[moralisa]

Yes, I can experience pleasure with my boyfriend outside of a sexual context when we share intimate moments, like glances, caresses, eye contact, being close, etc.

And when I watch videos, I can easily imagine us in certain situations: doing certain positions, having the same expressions, feeling the same tension between us. I even have a desire to be able to recreate those scenes.

But I also find the act of watching itself very captivating and exciting. What attracts me a lot, I think, is the intensity, the tension between the two people, their reactions, their expressions. So I would say it excites me both mentally and physically.

[Andy]

Hi, I caught up with your thread and am glad to hear talking here has been helpful so far!

It sounds like you have a very good sense of what feels good and exciting for you, which is great. I think what you described about liking porn are reasons why a lot of people really like this form of media. And it’s perfectly okay, because porn isn’t a substitute for masturbation/partnered sex, it’s a thing completely by itself. And sometimes it can help us find out what we like to experience in real life but it’s also fine if not, because parts of it are very different from the reality of having sex.

With that, I’m also wondering if on top of the things you have discussed here so far, also having unrealistic expectations of how sex should feel might play a role here? Because the thing is in all sorts of sexual media, not just pornography, pleasure and orgasms are often portrayed exaggeratedly as extremely intense experiences, while in reality they often aren’t. While orgasm, and pleasure itself too, can feel like a whole-body mind-shattering experience for some people at certain times, it can also feel like as much as a gentle sneeze. Do you think this might be the case for you?

If you would like to read more on how pornography differs from reality, this two-piece series does a great job of explaining it: Sex on Screen: Reality-Checking Mainstream Porn

[moralisa]

Yes, it's possible that my expectations are sometimes influenced by what I see. But I don't think it's solely about expecting spectacular sensations. Even if I completely disregard the comparison with porn, I often feel that many forms of stimulation simply don't give me enough pleasure for me to want them to continue.

But it's also true that some things I see make me feel like I should be experiencing something similar, to the point of having the same physical, auditory, or visual reactions. So I think it's a bit of both: on the one hand, I genuinely experience little pleasure in certain practices, and on the other hand, I might sometimes compare this lack of pleasure to a much more intense image of what sex is supposed to be.

And thanks to your responses, I've talked about it more openly with my boyfriend. We decided to go back to basics and really take the time to explore, without immediately aiming for a "successful encounter." We're going to try to eliminate as many expectations and preconceived notions as possible about what we're supposed to feel or do, stop doing things that don't give me any pleasure for the time being, and instead start with what I already enjoy to see where it leads.

We're also going to try to take certain things for what they are, for example, watching it without it necessarily leading to something else, and try to see what excites me or gives me pleasure without necessarily wanting to achieve a specific result. I also hope to gradually accept that I don't need to perform or react the same way I see in porn, and that my pleasure can simply manifest itself differently.

I have one last question, a little off-topic. When my boyfriend and I were having sex, he sometimes used his saliva in addition to my natural lubrication. But after 15–20 minutes, it often caused irritation and a slight burning sensation when we went to the bathroom afterward. So we tried a water-based lubricant, which was a little better, but it dries out quite quickly, and once it starts to dry, the friction returns and ends up irritating me too.

So I don't really know what to use to make it smoother and more comfortable for longer. I saw in a video people using baby oil, but it seemed quite strange to me, and I don't know if it's a good idea. Is there a type of lubricant (we don't use condoms) that lasts longer, or another solution to avoid friction and irritation?

[Heather]

Hi there, moralisa.

Baby oil is never something anyone should be using with the vulva or vagina. It's not safe for that use. But you're right, a lot of water-based lubes dry out quickly, especially drugstore brands. Hybrid lubes -- a mix of water based and silicone -- or silicone lubes without any water element, tend to be much longer lasting, and you also can often use less of them, so they can also be more economical. Lubes with silicone, or that are only silicone, are also often a lot slipperier than water-based lubes are. It's also best to use lube right from the start, not after you feel dry: if you wait until then, you'll already have irritated those tissues, and lube not only can't fix that, it can feel irritating all by itself.

I have three things I wanted to ask you about that I'm not seeing here are:
1) Is this boyfriend the only sexual partner you have had, or have you explored touch and sex with other partners in the past? If it's the latter, how did things go with a different partner?
2) I'm also curious what kind of chemistry you feel like you and your boyfriend have. Most of the time, a lack of sensitivity, or things just feeling kind of mid isn't about our bodies by themselves, but about our bodies not getting fed enough excitement from our minds to move more blood to our genitals and otherwise increase the sensitivity of our bodies. Would you say you feel a lot of chemistry with this partner, a lot of excitement, etc? Or...?
3) Last, Becky asked about this earlier, but I didn't see an answer from you: what's your mental health like? Are you dealing with any depression, by any chance?

I have one last thing to add here: I am hearing you say, throughout this post, that watching sex is very exciting for you. I know someone mentioned watching your partner masturbate, but how about watching each other? It may be that you've identified something -- watching -- that is very exciting to you, and that could be a great place to start to see if that translates physically for you, with a partner.

[Heather]

I want to add one last thing!

It's like I could just be satisfied with foreplay (only fingers) and that would be enough for me.

You know, the whole idea that there's sex, which is only intercourse, and then there's foreplay, which is literally everything else, is an idea that came from a heterosexual framework, and a really limited one at that, the kind that came from the time when sex was seen as something primarily for men's pleasure and reproduction only. The pleasure and enjoyment of people who don't have a penis literally was not considered in this framework save for the idea that "foreplay" was necessary should someone actually want their not-a-man partner to not be in pain and to maybe marginally enjoy themselves. As a sex educator, I feel like this framework has been outdated from the start, and that it really doesn't serve people, in large part because it really limits people's ideas of what sex is, down to just one way of being sexual (and one that, all by itself, often isn't all that satisfying for anybody), when there are so, so many ways we can be sexual together.

For those of us who are queer, and in a queer framework -- or straight people who have sexual lives that don't look like the antiquated versions of heterosexual sexuality -- everything we do or can do sexually is sex, and foreplay is more like what we do before anything sexual even starts, like talking, or dancing, or cooking a meal together, or cuddling -- things where we're connecting, and that are sensual to the degree where we begin to feel sexual desires, if you follow me.

A lot of people feel very satisfied with manual sex (fingering or handjobs) or find that's their favorite sexual thing to do or experience. It's not weird or unusual to have a favorite way of being sexual that isn't intercourse, even when you're in a straight couple and you can engage in intercourse. <3

[moralisa]

Thank you for your feedback.

It's true that I think I'm really stuck on the idea that, "technically," penetration should be the best part of sex, when in reality other practices can be just as important. I think I have some ideas I need to deconstruct in order to discover my sexuality differently, a bit like discovering a new "world" without starting from what I thought was normal or expected.

To answer your questions, my boyfriend is my only partner and my only sexual experience. It's also new for him, so we're learning together and sometimes we've felt quite alone. There was a period when he was quite frustrated at not being able to satisfy me, to the point that this pressure caused him some erectile problems. But we talked about it a lot, we tried to take the pressure off, and the problem eventually resolved itself naturally.

Regarding the chemistry between us, I clearly feel an attraction to him, both emotionally and sexually. It can manifest through his gaze, caresses, being close to him, or certain intimate moments. So personally, I don't feel the problem stems from a lack of attraction or chemistry between us, but perhaps you see something in what I'm describing that I haven't noticed myself?

As for my mental health, I'm a university student, and it's true that I'm often stressed about my studies and my academic path. But I've never been diagnosed with depression or burnout, and I don't feel particularly depressed right now.

[Heather]

No, I wasn't spotting anything in there that made me think there might not be chemistry, I just didn't really see you talking about it, so I was curious. It very much sounds like that isn't the issue here.

I don't use the word penetration to talk about sex where people interlock body parts for a bunch of reasons, including that it gives people bad directions for those kinds of sex (people hear that and think it's all about pushing, but it's equally the body and orifice of the other person gripping and pulling in, something we can learn to feel for on both sides that tends to make a big difference in how that kind of sex can feel), but it does sound like maybe both of you could stand to let go of the idea that that kind of sex is *the* sex rather than just being one of many ways we can be physically sexual together.

Too, a history of the kind of frustration you're talking about can take a toll. That for sure can pass in time, but sometimes the kind of thing you're describing creates some real sexual barriers and speed bumps that can take a while for one or both people to move on from and let go of whatever emotional or sexual reside it left behind. That said, it sounds like you two have been doing what people need to to move past it and forward.

I do think that maybe, if you can really try to just focus on what you do know you like, and what does feel good, as well as what sexual curiosities you have, you're going to get there. I know that maybe sounds like a weird thing for a stranger to say, but I've gone through thousands of posts like these over the decades and I have a pretty good nose for when things will be likely to be resolved and when they probably, or even certainly, won't.

I do want to suggest two books from a brilliant colleague and friend that that I think you might find helpful, the last of which might be a good one for both of you: those are Come As You Are and Come Together by Emily Nagoski. I think the latter will feel especially relevant, especially if you both read it together.