at this point does taking a break get any better

[iheartkena]

3 days ago, i at least started my break between me and my girlfriend because my mental health was so bad that every other day i felt unstable and was sobbing my eyes out. it doesn’t feel easy at all, it just feels overwhelming. we’re on limited contact while i figure out ways to regulate myself to the point where i can finally see myself as a person instead of just my girlfriend’s girlfriend or at least to the point where i’m not sobbing or occasionally lashing out because my head feels so unstable that my head is incapable of properly handling any sudden change or shift in tone or anything like that but the thing is everyday it feels so hard. even with a limited amount of contact where we talk for a little bit before i go back to my break everything feels hard because it feels like taking a break is the best and the most painful option that I can take. people around me keep on saying that breaks eventually lead to break ups and that i should be going no contact and it ends up making me feel worse because i don’t want either of those things. i don’t want to lose the precious girl that i’ve already spent half a year with god that’s the last thing that i could ever want. i’m just mentally exhausted to the point where i have to focus on myself and it hurts. when is this gonna get any easier?

[mikky]

Hey iheartkena,
It sounds like working on regulation skills is important. But do you have adequate resources to do that during this time? Has that been something you are pursuing, and do you have support and help in that?

[iheartkena]

i try reaching out from hotlines to hotlines every now and then because truthfully hotlines are the only form of support that i have. it feels like they’re only helpful for a short period of time until i reach out to them too much. i'm so frustrated and i feel completely alone because it feels like all people do is shame me for being a bad partner and call me abusive when i lash out after feeling overwhelmed or unstable or unable to think properly even when i'm trying to change and get help and even when i'm taking a break from my girlfriend for this reason, to try and regulate myself and to get better for both her and for myself, and it feels like nobody's helping me but myself and then when i try to reach out to any other hotlines they completely ignore the problems at hand that i go through and instead they make some sort of safety plan to stop me from killing myself. it’s so frustrating and it feels like nobody’s on my side or that nobody’s trying to help me actually recover

[amber]

Hi iheartkena,

I want to start by saying that people's assumptions or comments about "breaks" are not predictive of your relationship or situation. It sounds to me like this break is in order to work on your own mental health in order to live a better life for yourself and your partner - which sounds positive.

I am sorry that you have not found help through hotlines. I will say that the way hotlines are traditionally built are intended to help people in more emergent situations and less designed to help people long term. That type of support is best gained through a mental health professional like a therapist. Have you thought about what I'd look like to seek out this type of support?

[iheartkena]

i tried going to therapy. i wasn’t good at labeling my exact thoughts and feelings and so they just kinda assumed that all of my issues came from being lonely. and even when i tried to reach out to other people and i tried to make friends all of the stuff that I’ve been going through was still there. therapy’s never helped me with stuff and i don’t know how well they’d be able to handle a situation like this considering the fact that half of my issues are always swept underneath the rug whenever I try to reach out for support. i’m pretty much supporting myself and it feels exhausting

[amber]

I can hear the frustration with the therapy you've received in the past. The unfortunate (but also fortunate) truth is that it can often times take time to find a therapist or type of therapy which works for us.

I have personally been in and out of therapies for years before settling into something I found actually productive for me. I too felt like everything was on me and myself only to handle, but the truth is there are some things we need support in. Just like with our physical health, professionals sometimes need to help us within our treatment.

I still believe that the best way for you to work through these challenges is with professional support. Have you ever looked into different types of therapy that may work better for you? How about therapists in your area which specialize in teens or some of the concerns you are facing?

[mikky]

Just to chime in here, it sounds like you have been able to pretty clearly articulate an area you want support in: emotional regulation. Like Amber, I've also been in and out of therapy for years (actually, most of my life), and have had extremely varied experiences. Given how exhausted you are right now and how much mental health is playing a role in your relationship dynamics, getting better support is important.
While you are managing on your own, you might find some of the skills and resources on this site helpful:
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/ . It is meant to be used as a supplemental resource to professional guidance, but I do think it can be useful to practice some of the regulative skills.