Why do I feel so awful for watching porn?

[initiald-ejavu]

I made a post earlier about how "I don't think it's all purity culture" that porn is seen as bad. I don't really care to argue if porn is bad for anyone else anymore, I just want to understand my own reaction to it.

I, for the life of me, cannot decide what kind of relationship I want with porn. It usually follows a cycle of Watch porn -> "Hey that was nice" -> Watch more porn -> Eventually and suddenly porn is the devil's spawn and I hate it (typically after a really long session) -> Hate porn and resolve to quit -> Quit for a while -> Forget why I quit -> Start over

I cannot tell anymore if this is some sort of internalized purity culture thing, or what. It keeps following this exact pattern and I cannot for the life of me place what the trigger is? What turns porn from a fun past time to something completely disgusting for me at the drop of a hat.

It also launches me into these tirades of thinking about porn and its place in my life, and those take HOURS. And whatever decision I make seems to keep getting overturned. I run through the same arguments over and over again. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm at my wit's end (again).

During these times where I feel like porn is disgusting I don't want to be told "hey it's okay, nothing is wrong with it" cuz that just feels incorrect to me. At the same time I cannot for the life of me find an intrinsic reason why porn is bad to the point that any consumption of it is bad. I have this disgust I cannot rationally explain, that shows up for reasons I don't know, and goes away for even more mysterious reasons.

I'm posting this in a general forum cuz I hope other users can relate