Unfulfilled with my sexual experiences in university, what to do now?

[Blablapineapple]

Hi,
This topic has been on my mind À LOT, I do hope this is the right place to ask. I recently finished my first year of university, I am quite a progressive and open person, surprisingly as my origin was pretty fundamentalist Christian. I am also a black queer woman who is agnostic.

Being a minority at my university (tho it does have a strong black population), I initially thought the freedom of university would quickly provide the romantic and sexual opportunities that I had been desiring for years. I’d say im quite sexually open and I really want to explore this while I am still at university. Especially being on holiday and realising how sexual opportunities are harder to navigate at home.

Anyways, I’m not sure how to navigate second year as I still desire these new experiences but am not sure how I am going to get them. I downloaded a dating app but did feel some shame for being on it, despite meeting two cool people and having my first make out sesh. Mostly fear of being found out.

I don’t meet people and experience that mutual attraction that could unambiguously lead to this sort of thing. The black community in my university is also highly religious so I often feel a bit different pursuing sexual relationships.

I would say I would be open to a romantic relationship but primarily I want to explore my sexuality in a safe way. Being an academically inclined woman, who is feminist and trying to deconstruct the impact of misogyny on her life I do feel guilt (randomly, but not most of the time - mostly when my romantic/sexual pursuits don't work out) for being “weird” and caring about sexual/romantic relationships. As I was raised with the idea that men are trying to prey on me and only care about sex while sapphic relationships are ignored.

In the back of my Mind it’s like being smart and career oriented, it’s like why do you want to put yourself in the position to be preyed on?

I was also kinda humiliated for liking à boy à few years ago, and I feel like that impacted how I behave around theoretical attractive people (I speak to them but assume they couldn’t be into me.)

I know quite a few people and go out to events, work and volunteer. I would say I am quite social and wonder if I should just give up on relationships, repress myself further, focus on my studies and just use my vibrator.

Any advice for a girl who often feels nervous and wants to navigate moving forward. Gaining new opportunities and balancing all parts of my life. I’d really love practical advice as I feel no resources really deals with my specific intersections of being horny (but focused on safety and comfortability) and knowing societal phenomena (misogyny) that impact me.

[char]

Hey Blablapineapple, welcome to the boards, and congrats on finishing your first year of university ^_^

It sounds like you've been able to identify what you'd like to achieve in relation to your sexuality. But you also find yourself becoming anxious due to the ideas about sexuality from your family, former faith, and larger community not aligning with what you believe--is that right? Being surrounded with folks that aren't on the same page as you can definitely feel isolating and anxiety-inducing, even if you understand that it's okay to have different values. For one, you value openness to trying new things sexually, but you were also raised with the idea that embracing your sexuality (especially as someone socialized as a girl) means you're degrading yourself as a "prey" to cisgender heterosexual men. From the things you mentioned, which ones do you think stress you the most? I hope it's okay for me to ask, since I think this could help us figure out what works best for you in dealing with those stressors.

You've also mentioned using dating apps and finding cool people through them, as well as going out to socialize. That's great--I'd highly recommend doing more of the latter if you can. Have you been able to find local/regional communities (especially if there isn't any in your university) for queer folks, particularly those who are also Black/other people of color and are/were raised in a religious family? I think finding folks like that could help you feel less lonely and give you more emotional support. It could even be a gateway to new relationships (romantic, platonic, etc.).

[Blablapineapple]

I think my main 'anxiety' is kinda related to all of them if I think carefully. As in, because of faith and the larger community sometimes I feel weird for wanting someone to think I'm hot and we get jiggy (lol.) It feels like such a non issue in the grand scheme of things because there is always money to be made or a test to study for but its something I really desire and I do have a history of supressing my desires to just ''get through'' school or living at home, hoping I get the opportunity to experience them later. Like i was raised to think of desire as a distraction and I'm trying to unpack that thinking to be myself.

I wouldn't say I am ashamed of having a sexual drive or sexuality but nervous about the fact I don't ''naturally'' get opporunties to express it. Especially because I have quite a high drive and am quite a touchy person, idk it feels like something I want more than others but life is preventing me from expressing.

Like if I met a boy/girl today and it progressed i'd be really happy/excited but its my need to put things in motion ( as i am not really getting what I want) that I get embarassed about. If I was socialised as a boy, I do not think I'd have these same anxieties.

My determination has always worked well in studying but being proactive hasn't really worked with my social situation currently.

An example I can give now (and honestly would love advice on) is this - I have been chatting to a boy casually from my primary school (grade school) and honestly he seems nice and pretty attractive. He has glowed up well. In my ideal world he'd ask to hang out and I'd see if we can be friends/something more. But I can't will someone to do that and as a girl it feels weird to prompt the conversation in that way and be too upfront.

I have been proactive in the past - leading to my 'humiliation' and other blunders with people not exactly being interested in me back. I kinda have told myself to stop trying and maybe people just aren't into me like generally. But honestly I never know whether to try and not assume everyone's romantic progression happened the way gender norms tell us or to just give up and wait if there will ever be a day someone I am actually into approaches me.


With girls, I just feel nervous generally but I am self aware enough to know I don't ''care'' as much to align to gender norms with them. But again, I am pretty confident but just have this small worry that people do not find me attractive, (except on apps) but I don't really want to primarily engage with dating apps.

Finally, I think its also the idea that I desire sexual exploration with someone else, lord knows I've done enough with myself, that I feel weird about sometimes. Cause the messaging of sex being something guys take and girls give for 'love' seems oppositional to my desire to want to get to know someone in that way. Again it feels like why are you going out of your way to add extra stress to your life and opportunity to be 'preyed' on? I don't believe this but sometimes feel that way when comparing myself to my friends who've met their partners 'randomly' or 'naturally'.

Anyways, I hope that makes sense and thank you for your intial message, it has me reflecting a bit about the role of gender in my anxieties.

[amber]

Hi Blablapineapple!

It can certainly be difficult to start dating as it comes with unlearning things we are taught growing up (particularly as young girls).

I want to say that it is not only ok but good to follow your desires for sex or relationships. You are able to be successful in all areas of your life including within your relationships.

Rejection is a natural part of dating, sex, and relationships. Putting yourself out there is not a gendered concept and not exclusive to these types of relationships. Have you ever put yourself in a situation where you could be rejected outside of dating? How did it turn out or feel?

There is an article on our site I thought could be helpful too --
Undoing Sexual Shame .

I think there's a handful of things to unpack here so I'm happy to take some time talking through things!