Gender, bodies, clothes, and just feeling left out.

[LopezMonty]

I don’t think this needs much introduction, since this is in the gender category.
I’m transmasculine, roughly 152cm (5ft) tall, and have unfortunately undergone female puberty. Am I nonbinary? Who knows! A man? No clue! All I know is that I’m not a woman (and I refuse to listen to people on the internet who say that means I have internalized misogyny and that I’m not trans).

I guess what I want to discuss comes down to two (maybe three) things.

1. Clothes.
Clothes are one of many things in life that I see makes the vast majority of people happy. Except me. Clothes have never made me happy. Not before transitioning, when I had to fight with my parents to be allowed to wear pants at formal events, not when I first transitioned, when I got weird looks for being in the men’s section, and certainly not now, as I’ve realized that I’m stuck wearing either women’s or children’s clothes due to my height and hips. Even if testosterone makes the extra hip fat go away, I’ll still be too small to wear men’s clothes (at least not without spending a fortune on a tailor). While I complain that men’s clothes aren’t as interesting as women’s, I still want to be perceived as a man by most people. (Queer spaces and events are another story. Messing with gender expression doesn’t sound threatening in that context.) I don’t think this will change, so there’s probably no point in complaining about it, yet here I am. Sorry.

2. Gender envy (and being enby?)
Men of all kinds give me gender envy. Particularly androgynous men, but hey, that might mean nothing. Masculine women have always given me gender envy as well, though that’s much more because masculine women prove (to my insecure mind) that having a “male” body isn’t a requirement for masculinity, and that masculinity can look many different ways. But the confusing part is, some feminine women give me gender envy too. Though, it’s very specific styles and subcultures. Business chic (which has suits, so that’s easy to explain), gyaru (a Japanese style that’s kind of like the stereotypical “bimbo” style in the USA) and other very dramatic styles like cabaret singers or revue performers. It seems that feminine women who give me gender envy are either wearing men’s clothes or dress in a theatrical way (so it’s no surprise that I love drag queens, huh?).
I also don’t know why I’m pouring my heart out about this, as there’s nothing to really help. I’m just confused and worried that this is weird or that it means that I’m “being trans wrong” or something like that.

3. Cosmetics
It’s a continuation of the clothes stuff. I’m mildly interested in makeup, but have no idea how to do it. Add that to insecurities (I’m supposed to be a “real man”, aren’t I?) and the fact that I’m too afraid to actually go out and be seen buying anything (or, god forbid, talking to a makeup consultant at a store) and I’m just stuck here wondering why my thoughts always end up going nowhere.

Basically, I want to change. I want to change constantly (but doesn’t every teen) but I can’t get my self deprecating ass up to do anything. I’m not even sure if I should post this. I feel like apologizing.

(I feel like I’ve posted too much to these message boards and that’s evidence that I’m wasting people’s time because “hello! Why haven’t you gotten better already?!”)

[Glorious]

Hey LopezMonty!

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I want to affirm that what you're feeling is normal. "Better" isn't something you're going to achieve one day and you'll never experience gender dysphoria again, it's the process of learning to be comfortable with who you are so that when gender dysphoria is there, you have the resilience to respond to it in healthy ways. And wherever you are right now? That's okay. You've got a lot of life left to explore and become the person you hope to be. And just imagine how things like fashion, gender norms, and expression are going to change in your lifetime! There's a lot of potential out there for you, sib.

Now, to specifics. I have the exact same issue with you in the hip/waist ratio department. Thrift stores are my go-to because, turns out, a lot of people have the same issue and had their pants tailored (so, they paid the tailoring costs and you get to reap the benfits). I always check every section - men's, women's, boy's and girl's because sometimes men's smaller sizes or men's clothes tailored to be smaller end up mis-sorted into the women's section. Pay attention to which side the buttons are on!

Second, learning to sew can be a Godsend. If you're short, learning to hem pants is super easy. I even do it by hand without a sewing machine. There are lots of YouTube videos that can teach you basic techniques. But you are definitely going to need an iron, and start with non-stretchy fabrics! Learning to take in the waist on pants can be huge too, because the smallest size of men's pants is probably the right size for your hips, and with the waist slightly smaller they'll be just right.

Don't write off tailoring right away. Yeah, it can be expensive but if you have some solid well-made pieces tailored they can last years, especially if your body isn't changing. A handful of tailored clothes that last a long time can actually save you money in the long run compared to fast fashion that needs to be replaced more frequently. There are also brands that do made to measure clothes at similar prices to off the rack (In Canada for instance we have eph apparel).

Some clothing brands are starting to have gender neutral sections, generally offering masculine / gender neutral clothing in smaller sizes. One of these is Roots (again, Canadian, don't know if that's an option for you).

Makeup! I don't wear it myself but finding other queer people or an allied cis female friend to go shopping with you or show you how to use it.

Remember, you can experiment in different settings that might be more safe and comfortable for you. And maybe you feel comfortable with more feminine-leaning expression while lounging at home or in more closed queer settings but not in more public places. That's okay too! I personally only wear dresses when around close friends and family.

Here's a thought, why not keep a journal as you experiment. Try to focus on what causes gender euphoria for you - what you wore, who you were with, what setting you were in. Once you know what makes you happy and comfy, you'll have better tools to build your wardrobe, your gender expression, and your own self-confidence. Remember, there's no way to "be trans wrong", as long as it's authentic to you!

Best,

Glorious

[Latha]

Hi there, LopezMonty

I think Glorious had great perspective and specific suggestions for your concerns--I hope their ideas work for you. We do have a guide to journaling about your gender, if you are interested in that: Gender Journaling

You don't need to apologize for struggling in an unfair situation. In an ideal world (in the one we will eventually create), you would have access to clothes you like in your size. You could dress the way you want or wear makeup and still be recognized as a man. You wouldn't have to fight to wear men's clothes, or have any reason to feel hesitant about being around other gay men. I could not blame you for feeling frustrated, or being in a space where you want change but don't know how to make it happen.

Of course, for our own health and survival, it is important to balance those feelings with being intentional about finding joy and hope in the world. We don't expect you to just be better already--it is enough that you are trying your best. I appreciate your response to itsyours2keep earlier, and I'm glad you know that you are not alone and that these hard times will not last forever.