I don't know how to progress

[tolkienfan]

As a caveat to my message, I am 22 (nearly 23yrs old), so I am not restricted by 18+ only guidelines.
I feel disappointed in the (only) previous sexual experience that I had. It was brief and negative for me, especially because I am still not sure whether or not the experience counted as stealthing and SA.
I don't really know how to progress after this. I have only had one dating experience in my life that I look back on fondly, and I'm not in a situation where I can be particularly open to such experiences.
I haven't masturbated in over a year, and my libido has basically gone to nothing. I recently started watching porn to see if that would help me at all, and didn't really get anything out of it. I would like to buy a vibrator, but the ones I've seen while researching online are all $100+ (why so expensive???)
Do you have any particular suggestions for me as to how I can make more progress here? In all other aspects of my life, I am quite happy. I'm not sure why I am struggling here.

[Sofi]

Hi tolkienfan. I'm so sorry you went through a bad sexual experience, especially if stealthing was involved. That is never okay. Do you want to talk about it more? Have you been able to talk to anyone else about it?

It's not uncommon to not enjoy porn, especially mainstream porn. The good news is, for one, you don't have to and tons of people don't watch it and still enjoy solo sex. Too, there are other types of sexual media you could explore, such as audios and reading material from a variety of sources. Porn is far from the only option for that kind of content!

Regarding getting a vibrator, I totally hear you, a lot of them are pricey. I'd not suggest getting a $100+ for your first one anyway, since you're still not sure what kind of vibrator you'll prefer. There are certainly options for a quarter of that price, just takes some research to find what seems like a good option for you personally. Also, you could DIY your own pretty easily with common household items. Here is a guide with some ideas for that: D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

In terms of making progress with this, before we can give you any advice I want to ask so we can understand: what are you wanting to get out of this? Is the goal just to enjoy masturbation, or is it to orgasm, or are you not fully sure why you even want to do this, or something else..?

[tolkienfan]

I'm not sure my experience counts as stealthing, as it was technically an accident. The condom came off during sex and he claimed he didn't notice it had come off until he finished. He later told me that he had realized after that he did not purchase the right size condom and that that was "just something that happened at the beginning of a relationship." I did not accept that, as he had had a prior sexual relationship and so was not new to using condoms.
I have been able to discuss this with others, but I still struggle with what happened. I am asking about progress because I feel that I am still stuck on this event. I used to enjoy reading erotica, but now I get nothing out of it (which is why I gave porn a try). I used to masturbate occasionally (I am not capable of orgasm), but now I don't at all.
How do I get out of this cycle of not find enjoyment in any sexual activity anymore?

[Heather]

Hi there, tolkienfan. Thanks for the clarification, I understand. I also understand that even if it was an accident, that still doesn't mean this wasn't a negative experience for you. If you want to talk more about that experience, we can, but we also don't need to to help you out if you'd rather not.

We have a handful of pieces you can find here -- https://www.scarleteen.com/read/leaving-recovering -- about sex and sexuality after sexual or general abuse or assault. I'd suggest looking at that index and digging into anything you see there that feels like it might be a good fit for you. Trauma is trauma, so it's not like you need to know for sure if something was SA to do what you can to heal from the experience you had and the impact it's had on you.

Can you tell me about how long ago this happened? I ask because I'd like to get a sense of how long you've felt stuck like this before I offer up some more specific help to you. <3