Struggles with masturbation-no idea what to do

[wawa1670]

I have been struggling with masturbation for awhile now. I have never been able to orgasm or experience pleasure. I have read, watched, and listened to things sexual content, but it doesnt help. I feel so lost and broken. Even when I feel horny I dont get wet and I have never seen or felt my clitoris. Am I broken?

[char]

Welcome to the boards, wawa1670. I'm sorry to hear that you've been unable to experience pleasure. First of all, you might find it a relief that you're not alone in feeling this way, and you're definitely not "broken"! This is one of the most commonly asked questions on our message boards, because a lot of folks weren't equipped with the knowledge of how to masturbate and discover their own sexuality from their school or parents. If you'd like, you can search the boards (using the smaller search box on the top right side of the site) with keywords like "can't masturbate" or "can't orgasm" to see similar conversations in the past. You can also search the entire website if you'd like to read our static articles instead.

Sexual arousal has a lot of looks; aside from lubrication, there's flushing on the body, more rapid breathing, and the hardening of the nipples. Additionally, it's not unusual for our mind and body to not align. Sometimes we might have sexual thoughts and that desire for sex (solo or partnered), but our bodies don't feel the same way just yet. Could you fill us in by answering the following questions?
- When you masturbate, do you begin by feeling very aroused, or it it more something you are hoping will happen as you go on?
- Would you tell us a little about what kinds of stimulation or sorts of activities you've tried during sex?
- Do you have fantasies that are particularly interesting to you?
- In general, how has life been for you? Have you been able to experience nonsexual pleasure on the regular?

The clitoris is located right below your mons, a.k.a. the area under your belly button where pubic hair would typically grow. For more details, check out this article on the vulva: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More. You might also want to check out these articles:
- Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
- Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
- Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation

[wawa1670]

Hello! Thanks for taking the time to respond. 1: It's something im hoping will happen later on.
2. I've tried fingering and vibrators. Fingering doesnt work because i am usually not wet enough and I dont have access to lube. Vibrators are a bit different. I feel a sensation if I angle it, but it is not consistent and not very pleasurable sometimes.
3. I have fantasies, but I do experience shame when it comes to real life crushes either celebrities or people I know, so I try to stick to fictional characters.
4. Life is fine, I still get horny but it doesnt translate which makes me frustrated. I do find joy in life, which keeps me somewhat grounded!

[Heather]

Hi there, wawa1670.

In terms of your inability to find your clitoris, I'm getting the impression you've only been exploring things inside your vagina, like fingers and what sounds like a vibrator you're inserting into the vagina. Do I have that right? If so, when you looked at that first link that char shared with you, did you see where the external portions of the clitoris are located, and did that help you find those parts of the clitoris? Have you also spent time exploring the vulva -- where the external clitoris and both stes of labia are -- like you have the vagina, or other parts of your body?

You also mention experiencing shame with arousal: can you say more about that? Where do you think that shame has come from?

Too, with pleasure, is it only sexual pleasure you're having a hard time accessing, or do you struggle to access other kinds of pleasure, too, like say, pleasure in your body from moving it or how clothes feel on it or how it feels to hug someone, from things like eating or sitting in the sun, listening to music, reading a favorite book or other ways of experiencing pleasure?

[wawa1670]

Hello! I have use massagers on my literal area. Sorry for the confusion. I have also tried to explore my vulva, but I was unsuccessful. I just feel ashamed to be getting off on real people. I feel like a pervert. It's also just sexual pleasure im struggling with.

[Heather]

Okay, so it sounds like it's probably likely here that it's not your body getting in the way of things, but what's in your head.

I wonder if it might help for you to hear that even the idea of "perversion" -- the framework "pervert" comes from -- is actually based in things like homophobia, patriarchy, and people way back when not understanding -- or being afraid of -- the diversity of human sexuality. In reality, there's no such things as a pervert, that was just a word people have used to shame people for being sexual in the first place, or sexual in ways they don't personally approve of or understand. I don't say that to make you feel bad for using that word, I say it to hopefully help you let go of ideas like that that don't serve you or anyone else. <3

Our fantasies about real people are okay for us to have an explore: they're often some of how we find out who we're into, what turns us on, and what the differences might be between what we want sexually IRL and what we only want to explore in our heads. No one ever knows that someone is fantasizing about them unless they tell them: it doesn't hurt anyone just to fantasize about them, I promise. (Now, if someone, say, doesn't promote someone in a job because who they are at work conflicts with their fantasies about them, that's obviously a problem, but that's a different discussion for another situation.)

Might it help you to recognize that other kinds of pleasure, especially for certain people, are also often treated by some folks or cultures as bad or deviant even though they're not? For example, in our anti-fat culture, fat people are often shamed for enjoying food like everyone else. In our classist world, poor people are often shamed for enjoying kinds of self-care other people do like manicures. In other words, the idea that it's not okay to experience a kind of perfectly-okay pleasure is often based in pretty crummy stuff AND also keeps people from enjoying life in ways that are often important for our well-being.

Does any of that flip any switches in your brain about all this?

[wawa1670]

Yes! I do think that since I am a virgin, I still have time to explore these ideas with somebody I trust. I will work on the pervert thing, it's just really strong when it comes to real life people! Do you have any other advice on how to become more comfortable in my skin?

[Sofi]

Hi there, hope it's okay if I jump in.

When you say explore these ideas, what are you referring to? It's usually best to start exploring these things on your own first, because of a few reasons, but I want to make sure I'm understanding what you mean before going into them.

As far as feeling more comfortable in your skin in terms of masturbation, it could be helpful to try masturbating without any end goals or pressure. While orgasm should never be the main goal for sex (both partnered and solo sex), even with that aside, it sounds like you've felt frustrated about not feeling much pleasure and that in itself is adding stress to the experience. You said you haven't been able to figure out where your clitoris is and how to stimulate it, so that should probably be the first thing you work on. Make it a fun thing where you grab a mirror and just take some time to explore your vulva. Feel around and familiarize yourself with it, without trying to achieve pleasure (although it might happen, and if it does, that's okay too - the goal is just to go with the flow and learn more about your body).

Once you have been able to figure out where your clitoris is, you might find masturbation to be more enjoyable when you're directly and purposely stimulating that specific area. Make sure to just try different things, such as different motions with your fingers on different areas on/around the clitoris, or different settings and angles with your vibrator/massager. Also remember there are other areas of your body that can heighten the experience (and exploring this also help you feel more comfortable in your own skin), as pleasure can be felt from so many different kinds of stimulation in different places, not just our genitals. It should be something exciting instead of a duty. In other words, think of it as something fun to do, rather than just "masturbating to stop feeling horny" sorta thing. When we get in our head over things like this, it can make it way harder to actually be IN the experience and enjoy it. Going into it in a good headspace can help a lot too, so doing something relaxing beforehand, like a hot shower or bath, can be super helpful. Do you think this all sounds like things you're willing to try?