Sex with Married Woman

[kyunghop1234]

Hi,

First time posting here.

I am single female in 20s and been single last 4-5 years after 1 straight relationship.

I am doing some datings with men but, nothing really hit or feels any sparks/ chemistry with men and not had sex for the last 4-5 years.

Last weekend, I went out for clubbing and hanged out with some friends mostly women in 40 - 50s at the club. They were great to hangout and had fun together. After the club, I was invited to one of the woman's house and we had more drinks together..

When we had drinks together, more socials and dance together at house, I became really engaged with a woman I met first time and she is in 40s. I don't know what sparked initially but, chats and dance got along really well together. Then, we made eye contacts and physical contacts together then, she started touching and stroking my bodies and kissed my necks and shoulder.. Then, we started kissing each other and make out basically..

I knew she was married with kids but, I was too excited and horny so, couldn't stop myself so, host let us get into one of the bedrooms.. So, we started more kissing, foreplays and had sex (mostly oral) together. I had multiple of orgasms and it was the best sexual experiences I have ever received.

After finishing, we took shower together and hold hands then, went to each other way's home.. and she told me it was great to have sex together and great pleasure.. Also, she told me that she is having sexless marriage so, she enjoyed more than ever.. and most of the friends in the house of course know that we had sex and they say nothing about it.
She also, told me that she wants to have sex regularly with me as a friend with benefit if I am interested in. And I am definitely enjoyed and interesting about it.

The only thing concerns me is her family and partner. I am not going to tell him but, I feel bit guilty now and unsure what to do.

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Kyunghop!

I see why this situation would leave you feeling unsure. You've had a wonderful connection with this person that is so different from what you've experienced with partners before, and she's interested in getting together again. She does have a partner, but she doesn't seem happy with the relationship if she describes it as sexless, and you seem to have the implicit approval of the friends you were with. This does put you in an awkward position where you'll have to decide what to do when you are seeing some reasons to say yes.

I'm afraid I can't advise continuing a relationship with her without the knowledge and consent of her existing partner. Her dissatisfaction around sex in their relationship would not justify going back on her commitments to them, nor does her friends' approval. She should communicate with her partner and change the terms of her relationship with them before she looks to have sex with other people. And if you go looking, I think you'd be able to find someone else you could feel just as good with--this woman is not the only person in the world for you.

This would be a different conversation if she and her partner agreed that their relationship will not involve sex, and if she had their support in having sex with other people. If you see this person again, would you want to have a conversation with her about what her partner knows and what agreements they have between them about their relationship? (If she says her partner supports her, you would want to get some confirmation that she is telling the truth, too.)

What do you think about that? I noticed you've shared that you are straight. Has your experience with this woman changed your thinking about your orientation?

[kyunghop1234]

Hi Latha,

Thanks very much for your message and advice.

I think, I will hold off having fwb with her for now until getting approval from her partner to me.
And yep, I think this experience opened up my eyes on potentially exploring more sexually potentially with more women now. Never thought I was going to have and enjoy sex with women and this experience definitely changes my opinion.

I think it comes from her experience and understanding better about women so knew how to treat and care with respect. Skin to skin, stroking and touches to foreplay, and sex was eccentric and super exciting to spend time with.

Have you got any advice on exploring sexually more with women?

[Latha]

Hi there, Kyunghop! Sometimes learning about our sexuality can involve surprises like that. Congratulations on knowing more about yourself <3

If you are looking to find women who might want to have sex with you, your best bet might be to use dating apps that allow you to share that you are interested in women or to go to spaces where bisexual/lesbian women gather--look into queer/LGBTQ+ meetups or nightlife where you live. If someone asks about your orientation in these spaces and you are not sure, you can say that you are questioning, or (when appropriate) that you know you are interested in having sex with women.

(Here is our article on questioning as an identity, if you'd like to read more about that:Q is for Questioning)

Safer sex practices are always important--sometimes people talk like women who have sex with women don't have to think about STIs, but that is not the case. Here is our resource for that: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

And here is a piece by someone describing her experiences having safer sex with other women: Figuring Out How to be a Lesbian Safer Sexpert

I think it comes from her experience and understanding better about women so knew how to treat and care with respect.

Your observation that you felt more understood while having sex with this person is one a lot of women share when they start having sex with other women. But I will say that there are men out there who do understand women and know how to treat their partners with respect. Equally, if you have sex with women, it is quite possible that you'll meet someone who does not treat their partner with care, or with whom you are not at all compatible sexually.

I guess I also have more general advice--it might be obvious, but it sometimes gets missed in new contexts: in any interaction with other people, it is responsible for us to try to be aware of how our actions might come off to them or affect them, and to try to be sensitive to their feelings. If you are being intimate with women who do know that they are interested in other women, it is a distinct possibility that they could develop romantic feelings for you. This is different from what it is like in contexts that assume heterosexuality/straightness: the possibility of romance or sexual interest between women is dismissed, so women may become quite intimate without ever actively and truly considering a relationship. You haven't mentioned whether you would be open to a romantic relationship with another woman--it is okay if you don't know whether you are, or if you know you only want a sexual relationship. But if you are looking to have sex with women, you'll have to be prepared to communicate honestly and kindly about how you feel. Let them know upfront if you are not looking for romance, and try to be compassionate if anyone develops feelings for you.

Does that make sense, and answer your question? If there is anything else you'd like advice on, you can let us know.