My girlfriend and I incorporated a dildo into our sex life and I’m feeling conflicted about it

[Booper]

We’ve been together for 9 months and about 3 weeks ago we decided to buy a 6” dildo as well as some other sex toys because they went on sale. This dildo is significantly larger than my penis about 1.5” longer and about an 1” thicker. I’ve never been overly concerned about penis size as far as I know I’m about average or maybe slightly under.

Since we’ve bought it we’ve used it a few times, and safe to say my girlfriend loves it. It makes her cum from penetration and multiple times she has described it as big, both of which she has never done with my penis. At first I was feeling a little jealous and worried but honestly my girlfriend is so loving and kind that it makes it hard for me to stay that way. It also helps that she makes it very clear she still likes my penis and that the dildo is just part of our sex life occasionally.

As time has gone on I’ve grown to kind of like the size comparison (most of which is internal, she has not made any statements that outright compare me to it). I find it almost thrilling to feel smaller than the dildo and be told by my otherwise very sweet girlfriend to use a larger dildo on her. And in the back of my mind I’ve been sort of hoping for her to tease/degrade me for having a small penis. Which is an impulse I’d have never thought I’d have. As a kid/young teen I had two sort of negative experiences around being teased for the size of my penis, and now that something sort of similar is coming from someone I love and trust it feels thrilling and arousing.

I guess I’m just wondering if this is healthy, and if it’s something I should explore further with her. My main concern is that talking to her about it will change the way she looks at me outside of sex.

[KierC]

Hey Booper, and welcome to the boards

As long as the size comparison play feels good for both of you, you communicate about it, and when you don’t feel good about it you also communicate that with her, then this sounds like a healthy thing to explore! Can you tell me a little more about your concern that she’ll view you differently outside of sex if you communicate with her?

You might find this article helpful as you think about communicating and exploring this with her: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... ex-partner

If you give that a read through and let me know if you have questions or thoughts about it, I’d be happy to talk about that as well.

[Booper]

Thanks for the article recommendation, me and her have always had really good communication in all aspects of our relationship including sex. I’m not worried about talking to her about in the sense that I don’t think she’ll be receptive and honest with me about whether she’s interested or not. In all honesty my main concern is whether I’m comfortable exploring this aspect of my sexuality with her and ready to explain what it is that I’ve been thinking about.

This sort of ties into my worry about how it will affect the way she sees me. Society places such an emphasis on penis size and how everyone wants a bigger penis, which I suppose is where part of the thrill comes from for me. But explaining to her that I want her to actively notice, acknowledge, and to some level humiliate my penis for being small sounds hard and scary. The fear running through my mind most is that what if it ruins our relationship either sexually or completely. We’ve always had great sex mostly due to our openness in communicating but once I open this can of worms what if she permanently sees me and my penis differently and it ruins something.

I guess the debate I’m having in my head is whether I’m interested enough in the size comparison play as you put it to explore this avenue. Or if I should wait and see if my thoughts and opinions on it change with time.

[char]

Hey Booper. I'm glad to hear that you and your girlfriend have been able to communicate smoothly. As you mentioned, there's a widespread expectation for cisgender men that penis size and masculinity go hand-in-hand; the larger someone's penis is, the "manlier" he is. Never mind that 1) masculinity isn't defined by one specific thing and 2) sexual pleasure can still be achieved however our bodies look like. Have you taken a look at this particular piece on penis sizes, and let us know what you think? Shown Actual Size: A Penis Shape & Size Lowdown. Perhaps it can ease your mind and inform your decision in adding/not adding this fantasy into your relationship.

[Booper]

Thanks for the article and thanks for the advice. I read through it and found a couple of things to pull out of it. The biggest shock and sorry if this is tmi but I’m a little farther below average than I thought, a decent amount when erect but especially when flaccid (which at the end of the day doesn’t matter but does explain some things for me).

And secondly this quote “If you have a partner who wants something larger, wider, more curved or more flexible, or to feel a different sensation than they are feeling with your penis, you’ve got hands, they’ve got hands, you have a mouth, other parts of your body or sex toys.” Really helped put some things in perspective for me, she might enjoy something my penis can’t provide in fact I know she does. But that’s not a knock on me it’s just part of sex. I’d never thought of it but I don’t only like vaginal sex with her so why would she only like vaginal sex with me. So that really helped me think about the real world anxieties in some new ways.

As for the size comparison aspect finding out I’m solidly below average might have made it more of a turn on for me. Like yeah I have a small penis and we both know it, we still have great sex. I can’t see it becoming something we do often but I am still thinking about it and becoming more and more curious to try some size comparison or maybe closer to small penis humiliation (which is a porn term I found while I was looking more into this).

[Heather]

Our body parts aren't TMI here, you're all good. We think about genitals here the same way we think about noses or hands or elbow: they're just another body part of many body parts.

I think you're doing great here -- I'm so glad that article was so helpful! -- and it sounds like you're pretty good with all this at this point. Is there anything you want to expand on, or is there anything different we can help you with?