am i lying to myself?

[octaviathorn]

hi. im 16, and ever since i was 7, i’ve been grappling with my sexuality. it always fluctuated, and i was never sure of what i truly was because i was online a lot and consuming a lot of queer media. i was lesbian, then pansexual, then lesbian again, now bisexual. my first “relationship” was online and with a girl a year older than me. i really did like her, but then we “broke up”. then i had 2 other online relationships with 2 boys. those obviously ended. i have never online dated since, and i was very stupid in doing so. i’m about to be a junior, and for about a year or two, i’ve been claiming i’m bisexual. i want to believe i am, but i’m doubting myself because i find myself to be more attracted to men than i am to women. of course i still find women attractive, but i hold my standards for women high for some reason. i havent noticed a woman that i felt attracted to in real life other than celebrities. my last crush was a guy. my current crush is a guy. i like women, but i feel no attraction to one at the moment. maybe if the right girl comes along? i feel like i’m trying to convince myself im bi or something, and it’s starting to go hand in hand with my year long identity crisis.

[Latha]

Hello Octaviathorn--welcome to the boards!

You know, it is pretty normal to question your identity and have it fluctuate--it is something that can happen at any point in life, but is especially common when you are young, because you need time to get to know yourself. If it helps to hear it, you are allowed to change the way you identify as many times as you want. The language you use to describe your identity is first and foremost for you.

I'm hearing that you feel unsure about being bisexual, and I wonder if that is because your definition of bisexuality seems a bit restrictive. Being bisexual does not mean you have to like men and women equally, or feel attraction to different genders in the same way. To be bisexual, you just need to have the capacity to be attracted to people of more than one gender. That sounds to me like it fits the experiences you've described. What do you think?

i have never online dated since, and i was very stupid in doing so.

If I may ask, why do you think that you are stupid for dating online? While dating apps have age-restrictions, I wouldn't think that it is wrong for your to meet a partner online--a lot of people do that these days. And while there are safety concerns that are specific to online dating, those can be managed

[octaviathorn]

i feel stupid for online dating because i was too young to even understand what i was doing was wrong. i’ve met terrible people online and my life and who i am has been shaped by those people.

it’s been a while since i posted this, and i’ve been seeing more and more content based on bisexuality, especially now during bi week. and i’ve come to realize that i don’t need to prove to anybody that i am bi. i am who i am and i love who i love.

[Heather]

You sure don't! Nobody does, and I think if and when anyone, or any group of people is suggesting we do, that's usually a pretty good sign that that person or those people probably aren't great for anyone.

Circling back to your first post, I think you might also find this advice column I did a while back helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... -and-women

I also think we often need to cut ourselves a big break about things we do when we're younger, especially when a big part of why we did them, or did them the way we did, was because we lacked guidance. I'm so sorry to hear that you've had unhealthy or abusive relationships online with people. Would you like any help or support from us around those experiences?