i cant get over my trauma caused internalized misogyny as much as i try

[colugo]

i got sexually assaulted repeatedly at 11 by my xenophobic classmates and until i turned 14, i felt insanely disgusted by sex and anything similar like that just because of internalized misogyny. it was so bad at some point that i ended up judging my friends, getting into arguments about sexuality and losing friends even though i was 13 at the time and just as sexual as them if not worse. the next year i realized how dumb i am and slowly began embracing myself by talking to people that were open about it and made me feel comfortable. theyre about the same age as me (or 1-3 years older) and i appreciate them for what they've done, they helped me feel comfortable in my skin since 2 years now, but now for some reason, i still feel like saying something negative about sex, even though i was confident im well over my internalized misogyny, and i feel like someday my friendships will get ruined again and i dont want that, and i also need to embrace myself better to feel truly happy, so how do i do it? do i just tell myself "this is normal this is normal this is normal" over and over again? i dont know how to stop my internalized misogynyim probably still just a stupid teenager cuz im still 16 but im also scared that this internalized misogyny wont go away as i get older and um. yeah.....

[mikky]

hey culogo,
I am really sorry you experienced such horrible circumstances, and it makes sense that this deeply affected how you, at still a very young age, engaged with others talking about sexuality. That isn't "dumb," and it seems like being given a safe and comfortable space has been helpful (so maybe you can try to extend that to yourself, instead of calling yourself stupid, yeah?).

When we consider structures of power and oppression like patriarchy, which is enforced and replicated in everyday life by misogyny, these are long-standing and deeply rooted. That internalized voice of misogyny is one that many (maybe all) of us have to reckon with, and usually, for all our lives. That doesn't mean, though, that your friendships will be ruined. Other folks here have chatted with you about seeking a therapist- have you considered that further and made any progress in that search? I ask because it is both important to have a space to talk about the experiences you had as a younger person and I think it could be helpful to talk about the fear of destroying friendships with someone who can help with considering how you approach interpersonal relationships.