How do I know if I'm actually gay?

[Gossamer]

I've been made fun of for being gay for as long as I can remember. Somewhere along the line, I had accepted it. I was sure that I was at least bi for years. But more recently, now that I'm around the age where people are talking about relationships and certain 'feelings', I've been having doubts. Especially because, since then, a lot of bad memories have surfaced. More specifically, memories surrounding my mother. I feel so, so gross about it, and I feel even worse since I still feel like I'm stuck on it, even after so long. I'm terrified of most adult women, mostly teachers and my friends' mothers. And I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with another girl in fears of associating her with some of my previous experiences-- which I really don't want to dwell on. But I don't really feel anything towards guys either. And at the same time, everything I feel towards women is gross. I mean, yeah, I still watch porn. Used to be 'normal stuff' then solo, and then lesbian stuff. Even typing that word out makes me feel gross. That might make me a bad person. Anyways, more often than not, I regret it. I feel sick, ashamed, perverted. But I still do it, and I'm honestly not sure why myself. I have plenty of friends, mostly guys, but they don't know about any of this stuff. I think a vast majority just assume I'm gay, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I have stated to my friends that I am completely straight, but I don't think any of us are really convinced. Sometimes they'll make fun of me for being gay, I don't really take it to heart cause they don't really know about this stuff and it's just what they do. But it still really upsets me. I honestly don't know what I'm looking for posting here, I just want to be able to understand myself better. Any general advice or advice on where to go next would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[Sofi]

Hi Gossamer, welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry you're feeling some shame around all this. I hear you're feeling like a bad person for the fact that even the word lesbian feels gross, but that doesn't make you a bad person. This sounds like it could be some internalized homophobia or simply comes from trauma. I'm not clear about the connection with your mother here, but i'm sorry to hear some bad memories surfaced for you. Have you talked to anyone about this? Are you open to looking for therapy? I think a mental health professional could be really helpful in working through the feelings these memories brought up. We can try to help you find someone to see if you'd like. <3

Regarding your sexuality and figuring that out, I don't think there's a rush to do so. Labels are not very helpful when it comes to sexuality since it's such a fluid thing for most of us and it isn't always easily described by a label. They often also only box us in and makes us feel worse about our sexuality, so it's not something you need to use. Whether you're a lesbian, or bi, or straight, isn't nearly as important as getting to a point where you're comfortable with yourself and your romantic and sexual attraction, regardless of the gender(s) that attraction is towards. Have you ever expressed to your friends you don't appreciate the jokes and the invalidation? If you'd like some help bringing that up with them, we can talk through some tips to navigate that conversation.

[Gossamer]

thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me.

I will talk to my friends about this stuff, cause I recognize how its unfair to build resentment towards them for something they're not aware of. And as for the therapy, I'll start looking into it as my dad has been recommending it to me more.

[Andy]

Hi there Gossamer!

You know I don't think it's unfair to feel frustrated about being made fun of by your friends for your assumed sexuality (or for anything else for the matter). And I really hope that talking about it helps and they stop treating you like that.
Also glad to hear therapy seems like a good feasible option for you!

What I think helped me the most when I was around your age, questioning my sexuality and feeling a lot of shame around it, was letting go of trying to forcibly find the answer. And the answer later came to me by itself. So instead of pondering each pang of attraction towards anybody as evidence for or against me being a certain sexual orientation, I learned to consider attraction, or lack thereof, as being solely about the people, their appearance and personalities rather than their gender.
And another very important part of managing that shame and fear back then was engaging with examples of queer joy and positivity, be in in media, at Scarleteen or meeting and talking with queer people in my life. And even if I didn’t end up calling myself queer in the end, I would have learned a lot from these communities.