Struggling with shame

[tolkienfan]

Despite the fact I know there's nothing wrong with it, I feel a lot of shame about buying lube and a sex toy. It's weird, I know I want these things, but I still avoid it. I did not grow up in a sex positive environment, but I thought I'd managed to move past that. How do I work on getting rid of shame?

[char]

Hi there tolkienfan. I can definitely relate to you with the shame and awkwardness of getting lube and sex toy. I also grew up in a sex-negative household, and in a religious country too. While I now mostly feel secure and assured with my own sexuality, there are times where I feel like it'd be "weird" for me to get lube. Never mind that I'm an adult.

I think one of the things you can do to address this shame is to go deeper about it. What are the sex-negative things you remember being taught about? How different are they compared to the things you know and the values you hold now? Is there anyone in your life who's played a huge role in sharing these ideas? If there's any, are you still interacting with them? And, if this particular person was there and shamed you for your choices, what would you say to them?

We also have this article on dealing with sexual shame if you haven't read it: Undoing Sexual Shame

[tolkienfan]

I attended a conservative, Catholic high school for five years, so if I was to list all the sex-negative things I was taught there we would be here a very long time. These beliefs I have walked away from and I know are harmful. I've spent a lot of time deconstructing the Catholic beliefs I was surrounded with.
My mom, who I otherwise have a very close relationship with, is a sex-negative person. She has helped me to get on birth control, but I think that is due to the fact that she felt that it was inevitable that I would have sex and not because she necessarily supported that idea. In a moment of anger, she once told me I was being easy and my boyfriend was scoring with me. We have talked about that incident, but it still bothers me a lot. It definitely creates a lot of stress for me about any future sexual relations I may have and her reaction to them should she find out.

[KierC]

Hey there tolkeinfan

Thank you for sharing this with us. I can definitely appreciate how growing up going to a Catholic high school could instill a lot of sex-negative ideas, and I’m glad to hear you’ve been doing your own work to deconstruct those narratives. Do you feel like they might still be contributing to some or more of this shame? Too, in your work deconstructing this, have you encountered any strategies or tools that help you when you’re feeling more shame?

Oof, I am so sorry to hear your mom said that to you. Nobody deserves to be spoken to like that, and I’m really sorry she chose to say those things. Having sex doesn’t make someone “easy,” and choosing to have sex doesn’t mean someone “won” you or “scored.” I feel grateful that you’ve shared this too, I can appreciate if it’s hard to talk about.

Can you also tell me a bit more about how the shame is affecting you? What happens when you think about buying lube, or make steps toward buying lube, for example?

[tolkienfan]

I always worry that what I'm doing will be discovered and that it'll cause a problem for me later on. I worry about it showing up in my credit card statements, or someone whom I know seeing me in the store. I don't want people to think I'm "easy" or have this used against me when I try to find work. Without getting into specifics, I'm doing a university program to be in one of the "traditional" careers, and it's been emphasized to me that it can still be a conservative profession.
It's not so much that my Catholic school career affects me, as I've been able to have conversations with many people who've had similar experiences to me. It's that my mom also went to Catholic school, and while she says that she is a feminist and has left that behind, it obviously still influences her beliefs.

[Latha]

Hi Tolkeinfan,

Well, if this person that you know is seeing you in a sex toy store, doesn't that mean that they are quite possibly at the store too? Can they really judge you?

Jokes aside, your concerns about privacy are understandable. Ordering a sex toy online or going somewhere farther from where you live might be options if you want to avoid being recognized. And businesses that sell sex toys often have a discreet name that shows up on shipping labels and bank statements--what you are buying won't be obvious. You can check on a business's website or ask directly to confirm what a purchase would look like. Do you think that would help you feel less worried?

I know we live in a world with too much surveillance, but I'm not sure it has gotten so sophisticated that a purchase like this would be traced back to you when you are trying to find work. If I may ask, what have you heard? How would a potential employer learn this information?

I get how your mother's beliefs would weigh on you, especially with her incomplete examination her hurtful ideas about sex and relationships. You've mentioned that you've talked about the time where she made the comment about being easy. Can I ask about how that went? Has she made similar comments afterwards?