cheating in relationship

[Malia55]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 2 years. I am traveling now so i'm away from him, i haven't seen him in two months. because of the time difference we already weren't talking much but about 2 weeks ago something happened between me and a friend here. i felt really bad about it but at the same time i liked it at the time, i just really missed the intimacy and i have a really hard time saying no. It happened again with the same guy, so i told my boyfriend about it because i wanted to be honest. now my boyfriend and i are on a break and i had sex with the same guy. I really really am not sure what or how to feel. i feel so incredibly bad for doing this and ruining my own relationship, and especially for hurting my boyfriends feelings. I don't understand why i am not able to make the right decision and just say no to other guy. in the moment with him it feels good but every time something happens i just feel awful after.

I haven't told my boyfriend that i had sex with the other boy since we're on a break and i am not sure if i should.
i feel like i'm such a bad person and i don't even deserve my boyfriend anymore, but i really love him and hope he wants to stay together.
i could just really use some advice because i really don't know what to do or feel.

[Heather]

Hi there, Malia. Welcome to the boards. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. It can feel very confusing to find yourself in a spot like this.

I do think that it's very important we are honest with sexual partners about any sex we've had with someone else, for the sake of their own health, so they can have all the pertinent information to make fully informed choices about both their relationship with us and sex with us in the present and future, and because honesty about things like this really is essential for healthy relationships with others and ourselves. <3 I think when asking if you should tell your boyfriend about continuing to have sex with this person, you need to ask yourself if you actually have sound reasons you think you shouldn't, or if wanting not to is just about avoiding dealing with the consequences of your own choices. Chances are good it's the latter, and that's just not a good reason to be dishonest in a relationship.

I also think it's important, however hard it is, to start thinking and talking about this not as something that "happened" -- because sex is something we do and are actively part of, not something that happens to us passively -- but as choices you have made and sex you have engaged in. I don't say that because I want you to feel bad: I don't. I also don't think you're a bad person. I don't think feeling bad about yourself helps anyone in these kinds of situations. But being honest with yourself is essential, all the more so if you're not happy with your decisions and you want to try and change how you're making them.

It seems to me that when it comes to what to do, you'll need to think about the conversations you'll need to have with your boyfriend and with this other partner, as well as what you want when it comes to your relationships with them. Do you want to keep seeing both of these people, or is the thing with this other guy not something you actually really want (you have said a couple times you just have a hard time saying no to him, so I don't have a sense of if you even like or want to be with him)?

Your current relationship sounds like one where you have agreed to be sexually exclusive: is that still something you want, or is some of what happened you maybe finding out you don't want only one partner? The relationship with your boyfriend: is it a good one, one you value and still want to be in and be in as a sexual relationship? Or do you think part of what happened here is that you're not feeling that relationship as much as you did before, or like something has changed?

I also want to make sure you're tending to your sexual health: are you using barriers -- like condoms -- with this new partner? If you didn't, can you get yourself a sexual health appointment for about a month or six weeks from now so you can do new STI screenings?

[Malia55]

i think the reason i don't want to tell my boyfriend is indeed because i am scared of the consequences. because in my head he might want to get back together if nothing had happened after i told him, and now that i had sex with the other guy he is never going to want to give me a second chance.

i don't think me and the other guy would have had sex if i was not abroad and in this specific situation where i don't see my boyfriend and don't really talk to him either (we are not talking now because we are on a break but we weren't really talking much before since i left to go abroad).
I do know that i really miss being intimate with someone, not even sex but also just cuddling etc.
i have also had a problem in a past relationship when i was away for a while, i just lost interest in my boyfriend at the time, i don't think that is exactly happening now but whenever i am away for a long time it feels like i don't even have a boyfriend or almost like i don't remember what it's like to be with him until i talk to him or see him again.
i don't think that if i had met the other guy in a more normal situation we would have liked each other let alone had sex.
but right now it feels kind of comforting being close to him.

i have thought about wanting an open relationship or multiple partners in the past, but this has never really been normalised in my surroundings, it is kind of frowned upon and i do see myself marrying one person in the future and building a life with one partner. i have always been scared that maybe i'm not capable of just loving one person for the rest of my life, because i am always the one in the relationship to either loose feelings or to want to experience something with new people.

the relationship i have with my boyfriend is a good one, i really value our relationship. he feels like my best friend and i always feel safe with him and i do want to be in a sexual relationship with him, but like i said, it is kind of hard to feel that when i am so far away and don't talk to him a lot.
also, if my boyfriend and i do break up i wouldn't know what to do, it will feel like my world is falling apart.

we did not use contraceptives. He doesn't have many other bedpartners. Would I be need to be tested?

[Heather]

Hey, Malia. I'm just seeing this but I also, unfortunately, have to head out of work for the day. I will make a point, though, of coming in first thing tomorrow right here so you don't have to wait on me for more help. I hear you about what can happen when there's distance in a relationship, and what has felt like it was missing for you, we can talk more about that tomorrow, amongst other things.

In the meantime, I want to quickly make clear that almost none of us will love only one person in a lifetime, not if we're lucky, anyway! Most of us love at least a few different people in a few different contexts, and just like some of us have a few friends who we love, some of us have more than one sexual or romantic partner we love or are otherwise engaged with. There's no right or wrong to any of this, it's just about what's right for a given person and the people they're involved with. So, even if it turns out monogamy isn't right for you, or what you actually want, be it now until the end of your life, or for some phase of life, that really is okay.

That said, I want to share a link to a series we have here about poly just so you can get a look at it and have a sense of how you might be feeling about if an exclusive relationship is actually what you think you want at this time of your life or not. I think having a real sense of that will be pretty important when it comes to deciding how you want to approach some of this: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... mory-guide

Lastly, real quick: it's never a good idea not to use safer sex or to go without contraception with a new partner. For once, you don't know this person well, so who knows if they are being honest with you about their sexual history or not. But even if and when someone is, we need about a six month period between sexual partners, paired with testing, to even know what our status is when it comes to any sexually transmitted infections. If he currently has other partners he's actively with and he is not using barriers with any of you, or hasn't, then I'm afraid you may well have been sleeping with someone with quite considerable STI risks.

That's why we always advise all new partners practice safer sex for at least the first six months, and at least until both partners have a new, full STI screening they can share with each other AND then only stop using barriers if and when they are only going to be with each other. People who have more than one partner at a time, or who have very recently had other partners should keep using barriers until it's been at least six months without another partner in the mix AND with new STI screenings that show no active infections*. So, if you sleep with him again, do yourself and your health a solid and be sure to use condoms for any vaginal, anal or oral sex, at a minimum, and yes, you will want to schedule a screening for yourself in the next 4-6 weeks (not right away because of incubation periods). <3

* This is sometimes not as simple as that, just to be clear. For instance, if one or both of you gets a positive for something treatable, then you'll want to get treated before any more sexual contact, even with a barrier, ideally. And sometimes, people will test for things that can't be treated or cured, like HIV, HPV or Herpes, in which case it's then a discussion to have between them and any/all partners where everyone just decides how they want to do things with those infections in the mix.