I didn’t think about my sexuality for a long time because I dismissed the thought that anyone would ever want to have sex with me.
I have old scars all over my body. I’m worried, because I feel like as a trans gay person I feel like my options for partners are limited already.
I’m worried a future partner will be put off by my scars. Especially because they are from past self harm.
I feel like the only people I see online or in romance media have perfect skin and have muscles. I know it’s not realistic but I can’t help that it still makes me feel like I won’t be enough unless I don’t have all my scars and stretch marks and start working out. And it makes me think should I even bother with trying to have sex one day?
And before I have sex with someone, do I tell them about the scars? Am I supposed to? Are there people out there in the world who would be fine with the scars?
Will my scars make me less attractive?
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Heather
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Re: Will my scars make me less attractive?
Hi again, blahaj78. I'm someone who both had sexual partners when I still had scars from self-harm, as well as a hand disability I've had since a kid that means I have a couple fingers that don't look like most folks fingers, and who also has gone through the rest of my life acquiring more scars, including some substantial surgical scars (I had a major spinal surgery, for instance, which left a large, fourish-inch scar on my back). I have been with many partners with self-harm scars -- I'm Gen X: self-harm was incredibly common in our generation, I even remember being part of a study in the 80s via a therapist who was noticing increases in her teen patients at the time -- as well as other kinds of scars.
By no means do scars disqualify people from sexual partnership nor from people being attracted to them. I'd personally consider it a huge red flag if someone wasn't able to find a human being attractive because that happen to live in a human body with all the common trappings of human bodies, like scars, birthmarks, stretch marks coloration differences, disabilities and more. Someone who wants a person to look more like a doll or a filtered photograph than an actual person probably isn't ready to *be* with an actual person. I'd personally advise staying away from folks like that rather than worrying if you can be with them.
In my experience, both as a scar-haver and a person who has sexual relationships with other living beings, scars are anything from a total non-issue to parts of a person a partner actually appreciates and cherishes. For me, a partner's scars are always beautiful because they are unique and because they are signs that person has actually lived a lit in their body. I hope you can remember that wanting to be sexual with someone, when it's healthy, isn't just about someone wanting to touch an idealized body. If and when sex is actually going to be something good, in all respects, for people, we need to be coming to each other with the desire to be with a person who happens to inhabit a body, not a body where there just happens to be a person inside, you know?
Whether or not you tell people ahead of time is mostly about your own comfort. If you feel more comfortable telling people ahead of time than having them see them and possibly ask you about them in the moment, then you can tell folks ahead of time. If you don't feel a need to do that or would rather someone just experience these, like all the rest of your body, in the moment, then there's no need to tell them.
Online and romance media are not good places to get a realistic sense of people's bodies, for the record. They are, in fact, two of the worst places, especially if your online algos aren't cultivated TO show you more realistic bodies. If the only bodies you are seeing are in places like that, I'd see what you can't do to change that. It's not good for us to only see idealized bodies: look at the impact it's having on you, for instance, and the way it's creating a challenge for you to feel at peace with your own body. There are a lot of other places to see the real diversity of human bodies: the bus or other public transit is a favorite of mine for that diversity, as are places like Pride celebrations, community pools or parks. If you have any access to things like family photographs of folks you are related to by blood that go way back, that can also be helpful too: that way we can see what people more likely to look like us look like and normalize that for ourselves. <3
By no means do scars disqualify people from sexual partnership nor from people being attracted to them. I'd personally consider it a huge red flag if someone wasn't able to find a human being attractive because that happen to live in a human body with all the common trappings of human bodies, like scars, birthmarks, stretch marks coloration differences, disabilities and more. Someone who wants a person to look more like a doll or a filtered photograph than an actual person probably isn't ready to *be* with an actual person. I'd personally advise staying away from folks like that rather than worrying if you can be with them.
In my experience, both as a scar-haver and a person who has sexual relationships with other living beings, scars are anything from a total non-issue to parts of a person a partner actually appreciates and cherishes. For me, a partner's scars are always beautiful because they are unique and because they are signs that person has actually lived a lit in their body. I hope you can remember that wanting to be sexual with someone, when it's healthy, isn't just about someone wanting to touch an idealized body. If and when sex is actually going to be something good, in all respects, for people, we need to be coming to each other with the desire to be with a person who happens to inhabit a body, not a body where there just happens to be a person inside, you know?
Whether or not you tell people ahead of time is mostly about your own comfort. If you feel more comfortable telling people ahead of time than having them see them and possibly ask you about them in the moment, then you can tell folks ahead of time. If you don't feel a need to do that or would rather someone just experience these, like all the rest of your body, in the moment, then there's no need to tell them.
Online and romance media are not good places to get a realistic sense of people's bodies, for the record. They are, in fact, two of the worst places, especially if your online algos aren't cultivated TO show you more realistic bodies. If the only bodies you are seeing are in places like that, I'd see what you can't do to change that. It's not good for us to only see idealized bodies: look at the impact it's having on you, for instance, and the way it's creating a challenge for you to feel at peace with your own body. There are a lot of other places to see the real diversity of human bodies: the bus or other public transit is a favorite of mine for that diversity, as are places like Pride celebrations, community pools or parks. If you have any access to things like family photographs of folks you are related to by blood that go way back, that can also be helpful too: that way we can see what people more likely to look like us look like and normalize that for ourselves. <3
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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