Social life

[Kimctv]

How come everyone around me gets so much attention like they will get so many likes and compliments irl and on social media and have deep connections with their friends and get romantic attention but I dont get any of that sure I have friends but the group never hangs out outside of school they are either uninterested or we live too far apart. Very few of them seem to care about anything i do when i would for them. Anyone ive met either sees me as an acquaintance or a friend and as nothing more except for those random people in middle school who would bully me for nothing. My social skills are bad I dont have siblings or cousins. I feel like im invisible to everyone else besides my parents.

It wasn't this way as a kid and I got alot of attention and would be at my friend's house like it was my second home and we would call all the time I feel like im doing something wrong and missing out on the teenage experience like im wasting my youth and nothing is happening I know this sounds pathetic but I put the thought of romantic relationships on such a high pedestal like the peak human experience that is unachiveable kinda like trying to get a 100 on a test on a subject im not good at while everyone else seems to get it and i cant get out of that mindset.

I'm probably going to become 17 and 18 and be in the same school and its gonna stay the same but as I get older the pressures gonna get worse I dont know what to do and I have a bad feeling about this but im also scared of abusive relationships I know that makes no sense cause I sound so desperate but idk everything is so conflicting and men dont have to worry about walking alone at night and gender based oppression while I have to and they get to date women too im so jealous of them I also am really skeptical of them too because every man in my life who isnt my dad (like dudes my age) have been misogynistic and treated me as less than because they dont find me attractive it makes me sad to know that these types of people are the majority of my dating pool in the future men are truly so lucky to not have to deal with that

Sorry this was so long omg

[char]

Hey again Kimctv. I'm sorry that you've been feeling crappy because of this. I can definitely relate to what you're describing here; I can share a bit of my experience just so you know you're not the only one who have felt this way.

When I was your age (about 10 years ago), I also felt like I have no one interested in me--not necessarily from a romantic standpoint, though that was in my mind for a while, but mostly in terms of friends. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb for being socially awkward, which I know is due to my autism as well as living in a relatively unpleasant household. I remember how some folks in my high school would talk behind my back for being "childish"; and by "childish" I mean using a strap to carry my water bottle to school. (I didn't--and I still don't--think it was childish, but here we are.) Interacting with most of my schoolmates also felt like walking on eggshells, because I'd have no idea how they would think of me when I'm not around. I'm not entirely sure how things are going with the people your age at your high school, but at least where I live, high school student "categories" were more apparent.

Once I got accepted to university, I decided to change things around. One of it is by changing the name I go by. I didn't come up with a completely new name; I just went with a different part of the name I was given. I also changed the way I presented myself. Even though there were people from my high school who went to the same university as I did, I began feeling more confident and approached people (especially those I haven't met) with no fear of being judged. My university life isn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows, but through the harshest parts of it I was able to recognize that the right people will stick with us. Some people disliked me--some even outright harmed me--but there were more people who appreciated me for being who I am and supported me through my toughest moments. Maybe the amount of people we keep in our network is different from one person to another. But it's less about how many folks you can befriend in your lifespan and more about how well they treat you (and the opposite). Quality thrives over quantity, really.

I'm not saying you need to completely revamp yourself. In fact, as much as I'm no longer the person I was back in high school and university, there are parts of me that remain the same in the last ten years. But I'd like to let you know that this particular part of your life can definitely become better. ;;

[Kimctv]

Thanks for sharing your experience yeah idk what il do as an adult tbh

[KierC]

Hey kimctv,

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in to add some thoughts. <3

Feeling lonely or like very few people care about you is really painful, and my heart hurts knowing you’re feeling this way. As Char shared, you’re not alone in this experience. I was also a teenager who struggled immensely with feeling alone, like I had very few friends, and just feeling really low about the future as someone who isn’t a straight man. I’m not going to say these feelings go away — even though I’d say in general I have people and feel good about my social life these days, I do still feel that familiar lonely feeling sometimes. What I can say, though, is that your perspective on this can change, the weight with which you hold this feeling can change, and the way you respond to it can change. With some work, reflection, and some reaching out to people, the deepness and intensity of this feeling really does lighten up.

It sounds like you have three main concerns here: friendship/social life, romantic relationships, and identity

1. It sounds like it might be a bit more difficult to see your friends as much as you’d like these days, is that right? Can you tell me a bit about what you’ve been doing to try and see them? If not, want to talk about ways you might be able to reach out more?

It can feel a bit ridiculous or even painful to be the one reaching out when you’re feeling lonely, I totally get that. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned that has actually consistently helped me when I feel really lonely, it’s been me putting in consistent effort to reach out to people even when it’s hard. When you first start doing this, it can feel like “jeez, it’s *always me reaching out*”, but over time it’s actually caused people to reciprocate and reach out to me more. Know what I mean?

2. Romantic relationships… they are great and amazing! They do look very nice on a pedestal, but oh goodness do we NOT want to put them up there and tether our self-worth to them. I think really with anything (relationships, job success, social life, etc.), when we start to put that thing on a pedestal to the extent that we tether a large part of our happiness and self-worth to it, we generally always set ourselves up for some hurt. All these things (relationships, job, social life, etc.) tend to come and go. There may be phases in life when your job is going great but your romantic life is less great, or your social life is great but your job isn’t great… but what can remain consistent is how you weather these changes. I think that’s where the most consistent forms of happiness and self-esteem come from, in part. What do you think about that?

3. I can empathize with your fear of abusive relationships. I think you really wanting a relationship doesn’t mean it’s ridiculous to fear abuse. What you want is love and respect, so it makes total sense to me that you’re worried about being hurt or abused. It really does suck to be scared of this, and of walking alone at night. It can be overwhelming and frankly just pretty awful. But I promise you, there are ways to live where you can have agency over what you do, both in walking at night and in your life in general (with everything we’ve talked about here).

I walk at night because I’ve had enough of feeling like I can’t (like you), and I do it with all the safety techniques. In life, I do the work to know how to be safe, how to identify abuse and protect myself, and how to keep a group of friends around me who I see routinely. It’s work that feels daunting at times, and a lot of it is work I feel like nobody should have to do (like worry about abuse or assault). But it is SO worth it to take care of yourself in this way, I promise. To reply to your thought in your second reply here, I think that’s what you do as an adult … you do the work to make life what you want, even when it really sucks and shouldn’t have to be this way. You won’t be alone for it either, we’re here to help. <3

[Kimctv]

Aw thank you for your input

1. I see what you mean usually when I text them that I wanna see them they are busy with something, or they dont wanna or they live too far from me. They dont reach out so it makes me wanna reach out less heh

2. I understand. I dont usually think about dating unless I see other people's relationships and i know there is nothing i can really do now i guess tho my social life is relatively fine for what it is. Is there any ways to not be bothered by these kinds of things? Cause my immideate thought is jealousy and I dont know how to stop that

3. Yes I would much prefer to be able to identify signs and learn how to handle them than to brush it off and pretend like it doesnt exist it is sad that us women have to live in such a reality but I agree that staying aware and learning how to protect yourself is definitely worth it.

[char]

Hi again! I'm glad that Kier's response was helpful. I can share my perspective on the things both you and Kier were talking about.

1. Oof, that's terrible and I'm sorry to hear that :") I can definitely relate to my friends not wanting to hang out with me (including visiting my house) in the past; I live in the outskirts of the capital city/province where I go to school (and the city I live in isn't too bad, just far) and going there would take a lot of time and money for most of my friends' parents. So the opposite would happen (I come to visit my friends in the capital), and frankly I still do this mostly because there's a lot more to explore there compared to mine. Not to mention the public transportation system here has gotten better in the last five years. As for you, how often do you typically interact with your friends? By "interacting," I'm not just talking about asking them to hang out (online or in person), but also leaving reactions/commenting on their social media posts and saying hi to them whenever you come across them at school. Usually, these small actions are what builds and maintains a friendship. You don't have to do it literally everyday, but a like and a supportive comment are usually more than enough to make someone's day. It's true that some people might not return this form of appreciation to you, whether because they don't realize that this is your way of maintaining friendships or they're not interested in befriending you. At the same time, though, you'll likely meet someone who can match your energy because of these small actions. Like Kier said, it'll probably feel like you're the only one doing this for a while, but over time people will return the kindness you offer them.

2. A factor that influences how we view romantic relationships is the assumption that everyone always wants to be in them. It's called amatonormativity, and for transparency's sake, I wrote an article about it for Scarleteen which you can read here: Unveiling Amatonormativity. Recognizing that amatonormativity exists, even in the small ways we talk about romance, can help you understand the potential risks this assumption can bring. It doesn't mean that all romantic relationships are inherently doomed, but as I shared in a previous post, there's more than meets the eye to the relationship we see in public or online. Just because a romantic relationship isn't abusive doesn't mean it won't have any bumps, right? Take the married people in your family, for example; they'd be lying if they said they never had conflicts with each other. But a good relationship, whatever the form, involves active participation from all parties in building and maintaining; in many cases, conflicts can be resolved without dissolving the relationship. (Though if those involved decided to end their relationship, that's okay too.) Another way you can feel less upset is to identify and remind yourself of what makes you cool/what you like about yourself. It could be your appearance, personality, interests, skills, values, dreams, and so on. With or without a romantic partner, you have something that makes you unique and interesting. Even if you don't feel strongly positive over yourself (or that you can only list a few things) that's okay; we won't all feel good about ourselves all the time. This is also something you can do over time. What do you think?

3. As you might have recognized, abuse comes in many forms; some may be more obvious, like physical and verbal abuse, but others are more covert, like emotional and religious/spiritual abuse. We have two articles that go in-depth about this: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For and Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault. As for safety when walking on your own (especially at night), I can think of a tip or two. First off, if you like listening to music/podcasts while walking, it can be a good idea to keep at least an ear open; only put both earbuds on in a place you're familiar with and you know is relatively safe. I've also heard a tip on acting "wild" whenever a stranger approaches, so they steer away from you. And if possible, whenever you're going out, it's good to let a few people you trust know where you're heading. You can share your current location to them, for example. Kier may have other examples they wanted to share, so I'll let them add to what I've said here!

[KierC]

Hi again Adding on a tiny tiny bit!

I was wondering, do you play any sports where you could meet people who live near you? Or are you a part of any clubs (either in school or outside of school)? That might be a way to meet some people who might be naturally more available.

Also, I know we were also talking about safety stuff and feeling comfortable walking alone… This is not a “you should do this” (I will not tell you what to do, lol), but more-so just me sharing an idea. A great way to feel safer and more confident alone is taking a self-defense class or other safety class that fits your needs. There might be self-defense classes for teenagers where you might be able to meet some people and see them regularly too! What do you think of that?

I also wanted to empathize with your struggles with jealousy and offer some advice. Frankly, I myself am a preeetty jealous person and it’s something I’ve chosen to dedicate a lot of time working to lighten for myself. I find it really helpful with any form of jealousy to do 3 main things: 1) identify where the jealousy shows up in your body (do you feel nauseous, does your chest hurt, do your hands twitch, etc.), 2) care for those physical feelings (eat something, water, stretching, deep breathing, etc.), and 3) try to identify what the fear is that’s causing you to feel jealous (btw, these steps are adapted from our article on jealousy which is kinda geared toward relationships but I find the advice applicable in other areas too). Doing this can actually give you so much more insight into how to best care for yourself. For example, I’ve identified that a large part of *my* jealous feelings about others in relationships is a fear of loss, a fear of being unlovable, and a fear of being alone. Identifying those things as my deep fears makes it a bit easier to care for myself, because I know exactly what the jealousy is stemming from. See what I mean?

[Kimctv]

Thank you for both of your replies it is very helpful

1. I hang out with my friends when I am at school and i dont join clubs and stuff because I just wanna go home after school lol

2. I will look into those articles u recommended me cause I guess I cant escape seeing romantic relationships and stuff cause its everywhere atleast to me