Difficulty orgasming during sex

[5er]

I am a male, my partner is biologically female. Despite high arousal during sexual intercourse, I can't orgasm for some reason. This is very frustrating as I do not have any erectile dysfunctions, and aside from that one detail we agree the intercourse is great. I however seem to have no problem with orgasming during masturbation, despite it being less overall arousing? I do wonder if it's a physical problem, i.e. the friction of hand stimulation reaches nerves that the more, for lack of better words, slippery feeling of intercourse does not. Or a psychological reason of some kind? Either way, this is a pretty big problem for me, and I'd like to know if there's any way I can fix this.

[KierC]

Hey there 5er, and welcome to the boards! We’re glad to have you here

So, it sounds like sex with your partner is very arousing and overall great, but you’re bothered by the difficulty of reaching orgasm compared to masturbation. I’ll say, it is super easy and very common for folks to tether the idea of “good sex” or “successful sex” (whatever that means, lol) to whether or not you had an orgasm. Culturally and socially, we tend to have orgasm placed on this pedestal. It’s understandable because oxytocin and dopamine rushes feel great, and culturally I think we’ve really leaned into valuing those rushes or “climaxes” over sustained pleasure. It’s kind of silly, though, because orgasm is such a small and short-lived part of sex overall. Going back to your experience, it sounds like you’re having a great time overall, though you’re finding one small part of it harder. I wouldn’t say that’s a giant problem… it sounds like more of an opportunity to learn more about your body, you know?

My point is that while orgasm is great, the lack of orgasm doesn’t immediately mean there’s a problem, particularly when you’re experiencing arousal and having pleasurable sex. I will say too, sometimes placing this focus on having an orgasm can make it more difficult to experience both pleasure and orgasm, and a lot of folks find that when they place orgasm out of immediate focus, it tends to sneak up on them! You know that phrase “a watched pot never boils”?

Would you say you’re feeling relaxed and aroused overall during partnered sex, or do you feel “in your head” a bit? Are there other differences you can identify other than the friction?

[5er]

Kier, thank you very much for welcoming me. It may not be a big deal overall, but it matters to me. If I don't finish, so to speak, I feel very underwhelmed afterwards, as it's the thing driving all the good stuff leading up to it. One may say reading a book is great, but you continue reading to pursue the ending; "it's the journey, not the destination" but often the destination is the motivator of the journey, at least for me. To me, all things that are truly enjoyable must be finite in duration, and must have a conclusive end, whether we are discussing a book, a journey, or sex. It also makes my partner feel bad about it afterwards, which is generally not great for either of us.

While you bring up a fair point regarding the ideas of sex propagated by the social environment, I would consider myself rather separated from those in my thinking, so it is purely mine and my partner's feelings I consider here. I place orgasm on pedestal myself because it's 40% of the point for me, if we take 30% of the point to be my general enjoyment of the act and 30% to be my partner's enjoyment (very specific for something that cannot really be quantified, I know, but to say it's half the point feels too generous and there's no precise word or phrase for "slightly less than half").

As for being in my head, maybe a bit, as I'm not used to being out of it for sexual pleasure -- masturbation has always been fueled by imagination for me, so perhaps pleasure solely of the senses and body, none of the mind, is jarring for me; that said, I do mostly enjoy it, to a significant degree, so i doubt it's entirely or even partially that. I do get conscious of my rhythm and that kinda thing, as I'm the one doing all the manual work in the act. And I worry about getting walked in on, since the space we use is not entirely reserved to us. If I may,

I can explain more specifically what I refer to when I say friction? I was not sure how much I am permitted to, or welcome to, share in this description. But regardless; aside from what I was referring to as friction, not many differences. I lack a good deal of tactile sensitivity in that area, so I have no sense of texture, or anything really aside from pressure or temperature. Not sure if that's something a lot of guys have; if it's unusual, maybe that's something noteable in this.

[KierC]

Hey 5er

I can appreciate that orgasming during partnered sex matters to you, this is totally understandable. It’s great when it happens and when you can share that with a partner. I can appreciate feeling underwhelmed when it’s something you really want to experience. However, I want to see if you’d be open to considering the ways in which treating orgasm as the goal and the “end” causes problems during sex (specifically with our overall enjoyment of it), and how treating orgasm differently and placing focus on the many other parts of sex can be way more pleasurable (and can actually make it easier to orgasm).

It can be easy to think about orgasm as the goal of sex, and I do think this is a view that is commonly ingrained. If we think of orgasm as the goal of sex insofar as sex is for reproductive purposes, I can see this being a useful view. But, we know that sex is for much more than reproduction. It’s for feeling pleasure, for connecting with a partner, for exploring your body and others bodies and seeing what feels good. And, if we go with the purpose of sex as feeling pleasure, placing orgasm as the goal of sex, even a good portion of it, can do more work to muddy the waters of pleasure (if that kinda visual makes sense). In sexual situations, setting expectations on ourselves and on our partners is like the fast lane to being both stressed (not great for orgasm) and disappointed (not great for overall sexual satisfaction). How do you feel about that idea?

I want to invite you to see, too, that when see orgasm as the end of sex, we do miss out on a lot more pleasure. This is particularly true for folks who find it more difficult to orgasm, because it’s easier to feel like “shoot, the ‘end’ isn’t here but we’re done —> I’ve failed/done something wrong,” know what I mean?

I see what you mean, that many things in life that are enjoyable have an end. But I think the necessity of an end doesn’t mean the end has to be and orgasm, you know? Our founder Heather shared an analogy with me, that sex can be like a “jam session” — you get together for a semi-set period of time with the goal of having fun and experimenting.

Your observation about having a sexual experience outside of your mind when you’re used to being fueled by imagination is really interesting and this is not uncommon at all. I wonder if continued exploration might help make you more comfortable having a more external or social experience? What do you think?

Regarding the friction/sensitivity: You’re welcome to describe what you mean plainly if you think it’d help, but I think I can see what you mean. Honestly, people’s bodies respond differently to different stimuli and it’s okay if you enjoy the friction feeling more! It’s also common for people who are circumcised to feel less sensitivity, so if that applies to you that may be a contributing factor. Maybe you can incorporate more of that feeling during sex with your partner?

As for your partner feeling badly about you not orgasming, I’m sorry this has been happening. Do you think you could talk to her about it, and explain that she can’t control and isn’t responsible for what your body does involuntarily and it’s okay if you don’t orgasm? I wanted to ask too, does she also feel this way about her orgasming during partnered sex? I guess I’m wondering if that’s the goal in place for her too, or if this is an expectation you have for yourself?

[5er]

Hello and thank you Kier; for the sake of not being repetitive this is the last formal greeting I shall provide at this time. I shall also take this space in the paragraph to apologize for my odd way of communicating, I may be somewhat autistic and that may be why or I am perhaps an odd person who does not need classification, as classes and categories are overused in today's society

Before I get sidetracked I shall address your viewpoint of orgasm not being a necessity. That may work for you, and for many others, but not for me. I cannot focus, I cannot relax, I cannot be satisfied after solo or duo sexual interaction until I've orgasmed. It is not an idea, or a belief, but an innate property of my sexuality. That is how I am and that will not change. I do appreciate the process very much, and getting to experience it is half the point of orgasming at all; but like I said, I need that process to go somewhere. You seem to come from the opposite way of thinking, and while it is perhaps your place in this system to advise and mine to listen, I request that we put that aside for this aspect of the topic and establish my truth as being equally immutable as yours.

I shall briefly mention, for clarity, that my partner is nonbinary and I've been using they/them to help myself not fall into the habit of labeling by biology, as I may be prone to do out of my own beliefs regarding the essence of what "male" and "female" serve to describe. That said, if you would rather talk in binary terms, I am amenable to that as I don't expect my partner to read this.

Now onto the actual topic once more -- explicit descriptions shall ensue, though only for this paragraph. I've always masturbated just with my hands, I hear some fellas use lubricant but it just never occurred to me in my youth. So over time I think I've grown accustomed to what is actually, mechanically speaking, the skin being rubbed over nerves of the penis that are more internal. So, when I actually have sex, it's much more slippery and does not pull in the same way? Nor would I want it to, I find slippery hot. My brain likes it, my penis doesn't seem to agree with it at all. In fact typing it out now, that narrows down the issue; I just don't know if that's a physical or psychological factor?

My partner is of the same mindset as me towards orgasms. There's not necessarily belief factoring into it, it just isn't right for either of us if it doesn't happen. Fortunately for us both, we've had no difficulty with their orgasming.

All that said, I have assured them it's absolutely nothing to do with them and told them how attractive/arousing I find them, and I think words only go so far. For both our sakes I need a solution of some kind, or at least advice on potential solutions

[Becky]

Hey 5er,

I hear that you're committed to orgasm being a necessity and the expected outcome of sex. I can understand that and empathize with it as well. Orgasms feel good! I think what Kier is really trying to get at is to try taking the pressure off of yourself (just for the moment) and try to be really present with your partner. Focus on what feels good and try to enjoy yourself.

It also sounds to me like you are equating "having sex" with "your penis goes in their vagina." But that isn't working, so have you tried other things? It still counts as having sex even if it doesn't "end" with a penis in a vagina. There are other ways to stimulate a penis, as you yourself have noted.

[5er]

I have generally equated having sex with vaginal intercourse for the purposes of this conversation as I find anything less than intercourse underwhelming when there's two people involved. I just don't find things other than vaginal or anal intercourse appealing in those moments, unless we're counting foreplay which I believe has little relevance at this conversation.
I just want some way to fix this sensory issue. If there's no way to do as such, then I suppose I'm a lost cause, and I do not wish for any advice that does not directly address this issue.

[amber]

Hi 5er,

I can assure you we do hear you! The issue is that there is not a magical fix or recipe to orgasm. So often here we work through similar struggles as yours by diving into mental blocks and, as you've seen, an overemphasis on orgasm itself.

I wanna pause and see what it is now that we can help you with?

[5er]

I'm aware a human's body and mind, and by extension sensory experiences like orgasm, are very complex and there's no definitive way to go about them. But I suppose I believe there may at least be suggestions? Some have been provided here, mostly solutions from a psychological perspective -- such as not overthinking orgasm. A reasonable and appreciated piece of advice I shall take on board, but I'd be inclined to believe there's also more ways to go about it -- practicing masturbating differently, for example, to get used to other sensations. For now I may search elsewhere. I thank all staff for their time, effort and thoughtfulness