Causal sex

[Eli_314]

Hello -

I am considering looking for an outlet to meet someone to have casual sex. In general, I am looking for a long term relationship that isn’t causal, but I’m 20 and have never had sex before and honestly just really want to.

Specifically I am interested in giving and receiving oral sex and engaging in various types of manual sex such as dry humping/grinding, getting hand jobs and possibly fingering someone (I’m straight so I’d be engaging in sexual activity with a girl).

But I’m not so sure about downloading an app to meet someone causally. Do you have any other ideas for meeting someone casually that is appropriate? Would love to have some advice

[char]

Hi again Eli! We have an article specifically about casual sex, if you haven't checked it out: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex. Overall, even if you're only seeing someone once for sex and not planning on having a long-term romantic relationship with them, it's still important to remain respectful to your partner. It's also a good idea to always keep sexual safety in mind, such as keeping some condoms with you (make sure it's stored properly!) and being aware of the sexual activities that pose a larger risk for STIs and/or pregnancy: Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To. Could you give these articles a read and let us know if you got any questions about them? I think you're on the right track by knowing the kinds of sex you're comfortable doing, but it's also important to also manage your expectations while you're at it. (Not saying that you haven't, this is merely a reminder)

What doubts/concerns do you have with using online dating apps? If at the moment dating apps don't feel right, I wonder if it's possible for you to meet people through campus clubs/extracurricular activities or community events. You can also meet people in your local hangout spaces outside of college; parks, clubs, bars, other events... Any place that comes to mind?

[Eli_314]

Hey, I don’t have time right now to fully read all those articles, but I’d still like to respond with some more inquiries.

I’m just concerned with apps because I’m scared to trust someone I just met on my phone screen with something as vulnerable as sex, that’s the biggest thing.

And yeah, I could use those outlets you described to meet people in person (although I am not 21 yet so I can’t go to bars). But my main concern there is like how do I approach someone with the intent to meet them and have sex with them? I don’t want to freak someone out by asking them if they want to have sex with me, although I’m not sure how else to do it, really. Any advice there?

Also, what dating apps do you recommend? I’m still willing to do apps even though it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I know tinder is good for hookups, but I haven’t had a lot of luck thus far. Is hinge good for finding someone for casual sex?

Also, I have my own private bedroom in my unit so it should be okay for me to have a girl over and do whatever sex things we want in my room. But I do want to be respectful of my roommates ( I have 3 of them). I’d hate to make them uncomfortable. How far does sound usually travel outside a room with a closed door? There’s also 2 of my roommates rooms directly next to my room in the unit. I haven’t had any experience really, but I know sex can be loud sometimes. If I’m enjoying myself (which I really hope I do) I imagine I’ll probably make at least some noise, as will they (my partner). How safe is it to do it in my room if my roommates are home? I’m cool with being a little cautious of noise level but I still want to be mostly focused on enjoying the intimate experience I’m having with someone.

[Heather]

Hey again, Eli. I'm happy to pitch in with this. I'm someone with a long life history with a lot of casual sex in it, and also someone who has used apps on and off over the whole time they've existed, including for hooking up. You're asking a few big questions here, so how about we start by talking about app use for this and some general options with meeting people for hookups, and then we can move on from there?

There really isn't any one app I would say we recommend, and I don't have any one, either. Unfortunately, they all kind of suck, in both some ways shared across apps as a whole platform, and then in some ways unique to each of them. There are also new apps all the time, so it's really hard to keep up with what's even out there at a given time. But I would say that I feel like Tinder is more populated with older people, so that's not the one I'd suggest for younger folks, and in my experience, Hinge is much more populated with people looking for romantic relationships than casual hookups. We generally try and shy away from suggesting things by brand name to people here that are for-profit, for perhaps obvious reasons, but in my experience -- and mind you, I am a queer and nonbinary person who usually sticks to dating or hooking up with other queer and/or trans folks, so I only ever use at least queer inclusive apps -- the FEELD app tends to be the most flexible when it comes to what you're looking for (as in, you can look for hooking up or dating, or friends, or community, or...), the most sex-positive, and also tends to be populated with pretty decent people with an informed sexual ethos. If you want to float me any other apps you're looking at, I'm also always happy to download something new and take a look at it for people. I've been off apps for a couple years right now, but I look into this stuff for friends all the time. Happy to do it for folks like you here at work, too.

In terms of concerns about trust with apps and hookups with people you don't know until you hook up with them, that's warranted. If and when you do choose to use an app for hooking up and move real quickly to sex -- including super-quickly, where you barely talk on the app and just arrange an in-person hookup -- then yes, it makes sense to be worried because that's a pretty big risk you're taking. But the thing is that there is no reason anyone has to do it that way unless they want to (and for some people, the risk is part of what they like about it, so that can be why they make that choice).

IMHO, think the better tactic is to remember that you can take as much time as you want getting to know someone from an app before you hook up with them. There's no rule out there that says because it's sex it has to happen fast or without trust-building, and if you want to have sex that is actually good for everyone involved and feels good for everyone involved, it's rarely going to happen with a quickly-created one-off. We just all usually need to know more about each other than that brief time allows for, and also have at least some trust built to feel safe enough to actually *be* vulnerable enough to have sex that's not surfacey, boring, or rote. To boot, I think it's important to keep in mind that people who are in a hurry sometimes are expressly because they are predatory, because they don't have any real interest in actually good sex, or because they have issues they haven't dealt with that are at the root of things like taking big risks with their safety or even being with unsafe people on purpose.

So: you get to talk in the back end of apps -- or, if this is about someone you have met elsewhere, in any context -- for as long as you want with someone.

You also get to -- and I became a big fan of this later in my life -- connect with someone just to meet them and talk with the understanding that yes, you're looking for someone to hook up with, but you need first to actually meet them in person, see if there's actually chemistry (we can rarely tell that online), see if we feel comfortable together, and if all that's in place, we can even use that first meeting to talk about what we're looking for, talk STI status, safer sex and personal safety protocols (and contraception, if sex with any risk of pregnancy is at play), and only THEN make ANOTHER date to see what physically exploring each other is like. I think a lot of the time, people have this weird model for hookups that's based a lot more on how things went in the 1970s than how they can go in 2026. We simply have far more tools for all this than we used to, and we also know more about what actually makes for safe and satisfying experiences for everyone. Get what I'm saying?

[Eli_314]

Yeah, I get what you’re saying! I definitely had this idea in my head that I had to take some big risk even though there’s clearly other ways to do this. And yeah, right now I just have tinder and hinge so I’ll definitely look into that FEELD app you suggested.

Also, I’m not looking to have sexual intercourse that poses any risk towards pregnancy right now. I am however, very interested in oral sex (giving and receiving). And I am definitely on the side of using protection for this and talking STI before doing this with anyone. Thank you for your helpful advice heather!

[Heather]

Happy to help. Do you want to dive into talking about how to navigate this with your housemates or how to approach people you might be interested in casual sex with?

[Eli_314]

Yeah, that would be great! Currently, my ideas for having sex in my room with someone (if my housemates are around) is to turn on the shower and or play music and then move my bed so that it doesn’t bang against any of the walls.

But yes, for sure I’d like to talk about how to approach people I may be interested in casual sex with! Because I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I don’t went to since myself either

[Heather]

I'd suggest just talking to your housemates like you hopefully do about anything else that does or potentially impacts all of you. After all, you may not be the only one of you who wants to have sexual partners over, so this is more something where everyone is usually best served by talking about how you want to manage this as a group. But for sure, things like taking a bad away from the walls so it doesn't pound them, or having some music on can be things you all can do to make this work best for you as a household. You also might consider seeing if you can't find a schedule so that each of you has some time on your own in the place every couple weeks or so at least for a few hours, so that all of you have the opportunity to have some real privacy for yourselves and your partners.

It is also important to talk about partners and how they might feel, and I think that's extra, extra important if you're a house that is all guys and any or all of your partners are women. A house full of men when you're a woman (or otherwise not a man) there because you're sexual with one of them can feel pretty precarious and even a little scary if everyone who lives there isn't respectful and pretty mindful about making you feel comfortable there and not sexualized. If you want some cues for that conversation with your housemates, happy to help.

In terms of approaching people, want to give me a couple scenarios you might be thinking about? I do think there are some situations that are just going to be a no-go, especially since it sounds like most of the people you'd approach will probably be women. For example, I think it's fair to say that most young women around your same age just plain don't want to be approached by someone they do not know at all asking if they want to have sex with them. But do you think you'd be approaching strangers in the first place? Or are we talking more about things like friends you already have you have sexual feelings for?

[Eli_314]

Yeah, I also think it’s definitely a good idea to talk to my housemates about this stuff. This may feel a little weird at first but that’s okay, intimacy is a natural part of people’s lives and it’s okay to acknowledge that and communicate how we can all respect each others privacy and be mindful of each other.

You’re also totally right that it is definitely important to consider how my partner may feel coming into an apartment unit of all men to be sexual with me. I’m not really sure how I’d initiate this conversation with my roommates but I definitely know it’s important. Right now, I don’t have any partners but I honestly think it would be good to make a plan on how to have these conversations when it’s time to have them.

As for approaching people, I don’t have any friends that I have sexual feelings for. Most my friends are on my sports team and yes there are some women. But I am not looking to have sex with any of them for a multitude of reasons. I’m more thinking about meeting someone new and how to approach asking them if they’d want to have a sexual relationship with me. I think you’re totally right that young women my age do not want to be approached by strangers asking to have sex with them. And I do not want to make anyone feel sexualised. Even if that’s not my in intent, I don’t want to do anything that could make them feel that way. It’s no wrong for me to have a desire to meet a women and have sex with her, but it is my responsibility to appropriately navigate how I act on my desires.

That’s why I think apps are a really safe bet here because they’re meant for people like me who want to meet folks for the purpose of intimacy and such. The way I imagine it right now, if I may go with someone, we’d message for a bit. And if we have similar interests then we’d agree to meet in perosn to talk about how we’d like to navigate our connection with each other. And we’d keep having more public non sexual outings until we feel comfortable enough with eachother and have built the necessary trust to become intimate.

[Heather]

Eli, I think it sounds like you have all of this already so well thought out, and again, I really appreciate the way you think about some of this -- you have a really nice balance, I think, of sex positivity paired with thinking about how to make that work out in the world when it comes to the practical and interpersonal parts.

(If this comes from your upbringing, big props to your family!)

[Eli_314]

Thank you heather, that’s so nice to hear! And yes, a lot of my mindset and the way I navigate relationships and such does come from my parents. Although, I had pretty much had to navigate all this sex stuff on my own mostly for various reasons. I won’t bore you with my whole life story on these message boards, but if you do have any advice for how to initiate the conversation about making sure women I’m being sexual with (or us in general) feel welcome in our unit, that’d be great! That’s the one thing I’d say I feel a little unsure about.

[Heather]

Well, it sounds to me like you've already gotten a really good start, even with this aspect where you've been mostly on your own. <3

I'm happy to do that. Let me sleep on it, and I'll circle back with some ideas for you tomorrow.

[Eli_314]

Sounds good! I look forward to hearing from you soon

[Heather]

Morning, Eli.

Thinking about this, I think the most important thing for you and your housemates to talk about is how to afford any sexual partners any of you bring home privacy and respect -- I think those are the real lynchpins of a feeling of safety here.

I'd say that means things like, even if y'all know someone is a sexual partner of one of you, not doing anything to reference that until and unless that partner initiates that vibe, like making sexual jokes, even if no one means any harm by them. Maybe suggest that all housemates treat women who come over to the house like they were a sister (sparing any of you who are her partner, obviously) or a cousin. Being sure to also do things that demonstrate more good boundaries like knocking on doors to bedrooms or bathrooms before opening them, not talking about how she looks, and generally just treating her like you would a guest.

You might consider letting anyone who comes over know, too, that you and your housemates are all men but have have had a conversation about respecting women who comes over would probably also make someone feel at ease. <3

[Eli_314]

Wow, thank you so much heather. I really like how you said we should treat any woman who comes over (that’s not our partner) like a sister. I feel like that’s the best way I could put it. In general, these are great suggestions that I’ll for sure reference when the time comes for this conversation.

I don’t have a partner yet, but now I feel very prepared for when I do!

[Andy]

Hi Eli,
so good to hear talking with Heather has been helpful!

If there is anything else we can help you with now, or any other time, you know where to find us:)