Am I lesbian or do I have OCD?

[iluvvntgdolls]

Hi! So I've identified as lesbian for the past 5 years of my life. October/November of last year, I started to develop a somewhat crush on this boy. I was extremely confused about what I felt about him and why, but all I knew is that we were very compatible and he was different to other boys I knew. We started to hang out and text a lot, and I did enjoy his company and was romantically attracted to him, but I found that whenever we were in his car and close together I'd panic and feel anxious, and whenever he called me pretty I actually felt pretty disgusted. I brushed these feelings off and just connected them to my past history of being lesbian and not wanting anything to do with guys. I would still feel relatively concerned on my real feelings about him, especially when I wasn't with him and I was just overthinking in my head. Fast forward to now. We have been dating almost 11 months, and I just had to ask him for some space because my anxiety has gotten so bad. Now, it was like whenever we were together I'd be nitpicking things about him, zoning out and screaming in my head. I love hugging and kissing him, and sex is fine, but there was one time after sex that I actually started crying. I've recently connected these thoughts to probable OCD and I'm starting therapy for it next week, but I can't help but feel that this is just my intuition screaming at me to listen. I've never had these kinds of doubts when dating women.Since asking him for space a few days ago, I already feel more calm and relieved. He is the most lovely person and I seriously love him so so so much, there is no doubt that we get along really well and he is such a cutie. But the lesbian identity feels like a part of my core. (Or, again, might just be my OCD talking) Wondering what you guys think and if you have any suggestions on moving forward?

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards!

There's a lot to unpack here, but the boards are for ongoing conversations (rather than an advice column-style question and answer forum), so I'll start with a couple of points and questions so I don't overwhelm you at once.

Sexual orientation can feel complex for a lot of people - I know it did for me when I was younger! - but the great news here is that it doesn't have to be so complicated. We don't have to use any terms for it, and we don't have to fit into any boxes. As a matter of fact, lots of folks who consider themselves lesbians have experienced attraction to someone of a different gender before. In our article The Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone (which I highly suggest reading through!), you can see 'homosexual' [including 'lesbian'] is defined as "Someone who is solely or primarily (mostly) attracted to people of the same or similar gender as them". The primarily and mostly are doing a lot of work there to let us know being gay doesn't mean you can ever experience attraction ONLY to the same or a similar gender. So it's perfectly okay to be a lesbian who likes a guy, as long as you're comfortable with that, since that's really all that matters.

Now, I can't really answer whether this is a gut feeling you're having or if it's anxiety/OCD related. That's something only you can figure out. I wouldn't suggest ending a relationship that is otherwise healthy and caring because of the other person's gender, especially if it's mostly because it feels like it goes against some label. The framework that we all fall into some category and must stay within those bounds is not helpful. Humans are fluid and evolving beings, and I don't even mean that in an esoteric way, but simply that we aren't meant to fit perfectly into boxes and stay in them forever.

Are you willing to give OCD treatment a shot before you make any decisions about the relationship? It might be that it's best to end the romantic relationship and try being friends, or it might be that you end up realizing the mixed feelings were mainly coming from a place of anxiety. Whatever you decide, it's valid. I can tell you admire him a lot as a person and have some romantic feelings for him, but the physical aspect is where you're struggling, right? I'm curious, how has he reacted when you've expressed these feelings and hesitations? Is he understanding and supportive?

[iluvvntgdolls]

Hi! Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am starting OCD therapy this week and I'm choosing to do a few sessions before coming to a concrete decision. I have expressed these feelings and thoughts many times before, and he is extremely understanding and supportive (which makes it so much harder haha). I do admire him a lot and we are extremely compatible, but I hesitate because I know I've never had these anxious and doubtful thoughts when dating a woman. For a long time, I thought it was just because I wasn't used to being this close to a man. But now, almost a year into the relationship, we are extremely close and comfortable with each other yet I still have these thoughts. Since taking space, I've actually calmed down a bit.

[Sofi]

That's great you're starting this week! I'm hoping it will be super helpful for you not just for processing your feelings around this relationship but also just overall. It does sound like your gut is saying something here, but your brain is saying another. Again, there is no wrong or right answer here, it's your life and you get to choose which relationships make sense and how (I mention "how" because sometimes we realize someone isn't the best fit for a typical romantic and/or sexual relationship, but we still love them and want them in our life, so there are other ways the relationship can look. It can evolve into a friendship, or a platonic partnership, etc.)

Feel free to update us after you've started therapy if you'd like, and let us know if we can help more in the meantime? <3

[iluvvntgdolls]

Thank you so much, I definitely will.