Should I tell a new friend I have a crush on her when she isn’t actively thinking about dating?

[casg2412]

I’m 19M and French, and she’s 18F and Romanian. We’re in an international university program in Europe, and she’s a first-year student, one year below me. We met about three weeks ago, and I developed a crush on her pretty quickly. We bonded over a visual novel we both really like and now spend time together regularly, mostly playing games and talking.

She seems comfortable around me (she’s happy to spend time alone with me in my room, and I’ve also had dinner at her flat twice). She’s gradually become more comfortable opening up, and we’ve had some personal conversations, including about relationships.

She says she isn’t sure she really experiences strong crushes, although there were people she was into when she was younger. She isn’t opposed to a relationship in principle and is clear that she doesn’t identify as aroace, but she doesn’t think about dating much and considers a relationship unlikely for her. She explained that she would first have to be attracted to someone, which seems fairly rare for her, and they would also have to be attracted to her, even though she doesn’t think she’d be “most people’s ideal girlfriend.” Then they would have to actually work on building a relationship. She would want that to be a slower, more deliberate process than two people having a crush and immediately getting together.

I asked whether she would prefer to focus on close friendships for now, and she said yes. But I realized I don’t know whether that simply means her current priority is making friends because she says she didn’t really have any in high school (there were people she spent time with, but she didn’t consider them actual friends. She’s also very shy, easily feels awkward, is self-conscious, and experienced bullying or at least people giving her a hard time, so she finds social situations difficult in general), or whether she would also want to be friends with someone before considering a relationship.

When she was younger, she apparently had a sort of crush on a guy because he was good-looking, which disappeared once she discovered she disliked his personality. So perhaps she doesn’t need to know someone well to feel attraction. But she hasn’t had a crush in a long time, so I don’t know whether that has changed.

My dilemma is that I can see potential problems with either approach.

The intuitive option would be to keep spending time together and see whether anything develops. But I wonder whether it would be ethically questionable to do that for a long time without telling her about my crush. I’m worried she might feel misled if she eventually discovers I was romantically interested from the beginning, especially if she’s happy to finally have a close friend and then learns that my interest in getting closer wasn’t entirely platonic.

Alternatively, I could briefly tell her about my crush and explain that I’m not asking her to start a relationship or make an immediate decision about her feelings. But I worry that simply knowing could make her uncomfortable, and I don’t want to disrupt the friendship we’re starting to build.

I do hope something romantic could develop, but I also genuinely enjoy her company and would still want to spend time with her as a friend even if she never becomes romantically interested.

Would you recommend mentioning my feelings fairly early, while making clear that I value the friendship regardless, or continuing to get to know her for now? How would you handle this while respecting what she’s told me?

Thank you in advance for reading and for your answers.

[Andy]

Hi and welcome to the boards casg2412!

And thank you for sharing all that with us. It is clear you are really thinking about your friend and her needs which is really kind and thoughtful of you. As you already know, there is no one right or wrong decision, nor there is one that would make sure she gives you the answer you want. But it sounds like you two are on a good way to a good respectful relationship, whatever that ends up being.

Instead of telling you which approach is right (because I don’t think any of them is wrong), I can at least give you some question which might be helpful to think over:

1, If you confess and she says that the attraction is mutual and she wants to change the relationship, what would you like it to look like? Romantic relationships, while often having things in common, can look as many ways as many there are, so having an idea what it would ideally look like for you. This article might be helpful too: How to Build Every Relationship from the Ground Up
2, If she either doesn’t share your feelings or doesn’t want a romantic relationship with you, do you want your friendship to stay what it is or would something about that change for you?
3, Are the romantic feelings you have somehow affecting your relationship with her at the moment? And your daily life - do they make you feel good or not?

In my personal experience, and why I prefer to be upfront and open when sharing my feelings, people who I already have a good friendships with have always appreciated when I confessed, even when the attraction wasn’t mutual. People generally appreciate honesty, and most people also feel good knowing somebody is into them!

Another reason why confessing can be helpful, no matter the outcome, is that when you feel stuck in a place like with a crush), finding the courage to ask and hearing the answer is crucial for moving on. Even if the answer isn’t what you hoped for and hurts at the moment, in the long term it is often better for us.

All that said, this is all still really new and if you feel like waiting, enjoying the friendship and seeing where it and your feelings goes over time, that is perfectly okay.

[casg2412]

Thank you very much for your answer!

I agree that question 1 is important to think about, but I’ll focus on 2 and 3 for now, since they’re more directly relevant to my immediate dilemma.

2. I think things might change temporarily, and I might prefer seeing her in groups rather than one-on-one for a while. But from past experience, my crushes tend to fade pretty quickly once I know the other person doesn’t want a relationship with me. So I’m pretty sure that after a while, we’d be able to go back to spending time together as before.

3. It’s affecting things in the sense that I want to see her more often and ask her more personal questions. Apart from that, I interact with her as I would with a friend. The crush itself doesn’t feel bad, but I spend a lot of time worrying about how to handle the situation. I’m also afraid of rejection because I really, really like her. Part of that fear is that I feel very lucky to have met someone whose mannerisms and personality appeal to me this much, and I’m worried I’d have a hard time finding another girl I like in the same way.

Also, I’m autistic, so I could be misinterpreting the situation, but based on our interactions and the conversation we had about dating, I’m pretty sure she isn’t into me right now and hasn’t picked up on my interest (I first messaged her after finding her in our program’s group chat, even though we’d only played a board game together for about 15 minutes, gave her a gift when we hadn’t known each other long, and regularly suggested spending time together one-on-one. I would probably have given more obvious signs and become more flirty if we hadn’t had that conversation about dating.)

So the outcome I’m hoping for would be that attraction develops later, rather than finding out that she already feels the same way. I wonder whether needing time and closeness before becoming interested could partly explain why she hasn’t been into anyone for a long time, given that she says she hasn’t had close friendships. Maybe dating will also become something she thinks about more once she has those friendships, although I don’t know whether either possibility applies to her.

The reason I’m considering telling her now, even though I don’t expect her to reciprocate for now, is that I want to be open about my feelings and avoid her feeling misled if she discovers them much later. (I also wonder whether knowing I like her could make dating feel like a more concrete possibility and perhaps lead her to consider me romantically, but I have no idea how likely that is.)

I understand that neither option guarantees a particular outcome and that both can be respectful. But based on what I’ve described, which approach would you lean towards, and why, even if you’re not certain? If there’s another approach I haven’t considered, I’d be interested in that too. That practical recommendation is what I’m most unsure about.

Thank you in advance.

[casg2412]

Also, I just found out about Scarleteen’s advice section. Should I post my question there too?

[mikky]

Hey casg2412,
Our Advice section is for longer, advice column responses- these go through an editorial process, and unlike here on the boards where all questions get answered, those are selected for questions that might be shared by many people. Then, answers will come at a much delayed timeline. If you'd like to ask a question there you are welcome to- but, you'll get answered by folks who volunteer and work at Scarleteen in either place! I think you are in just the right spot here on the boards.

From what I can understand from your posts, it seems like a hope with telling her is that it would prompt her to share similar feelings, or moreso, to consider you in that way.

In my opinion- and it is okay for you to disagree or take a different approach here- I do not think you should tell her about your crush right now. You've known one another for just a few weeks, and in that short time it sounds like she's shared some vulnerable things about not feeling that good friends come easily to her, and that she is not interested or focused on dating.

You said that crushes tend to fade for you when you know the other person isn't interested, and it sounds like right now, she isn't interested. I wonder if letting go of the hope of a different relationship with her and focusing on building what sounds like a really nice friendship is something you could try?

[casg2412]

Thank you for explaining how the Advice section works, and for the advice so far!

I think I wasn’t clear about why I’m considering telling her. I did wonder whether knowing I like her might make her consider me romantically, and I thought that was a possibility, but not something I would expect to happen. What I’m hoping for is more that she might develop feelings later as we get to know each other better. My main reason for considering telling her now is that I want to be honest about my feelings, and I worry that finding out much later that I’d been interested from the beginning could make her very uncomfortable.

I also explained badly what makes my crushes fade. It’s usually losing hope, for example when someone explicitly rejects me or tells me she already has a partner. Here, she’s said she isn’t thinking much about dating and would rather focus on close friendships, but she isn’t opposed to a relationship in principle and hasn’t explicitly said she wouldn’t be interested in me.

I realize I might be overestimating the possibility of her developing feelings later because it’s what I want. I don’t know how likely it is, but I still see it as a real possibility, so I haven’t given up hope. That’s why my feelings haven’t faded just because she isn’t focused on dating right now.

Would these clarifications change any of the advice given so far? Thank you in advance.

[char]

Hey casg2412,

Thanks for providing more context! From one autistic person to another, I understand how challenging it can be to interpret other people's intentions and feelings. And I can't say much about your friend, of course, but it sounds like she's been through a rough time before meeting you. It's not unlikely that she's facing similar problems to yourself.

This part on your first post stood out to me, and I think it answers your question:

I asked whether she would prefer to focus on close friendships for now, and she said yes. But I realized I don’t know whether that simply means her current priority is making friends because she says she didn’t really have any in high school (there were people she spent time with, but she didn’t consider them actual friends. She’s also very shy, easily feels awkward, is self-conscious, and experienced bullying or at least people giving her a hard time, so she finds social situations difficult in general), or whether she would also want to be friends with someone before considering a relationship.

When she was younger, she apparently had a sort of crush on a guy because he was good-looking, which disappeared once she discovered she disliked his personality. So perhaps she doesn’t need to know someone well to feel attraction. But she hasn’t had a crush in a long time, so I don’t know whether that has changed.

Personally, I think letting her know that you have a crush on her any time soon would likely contradict what she told you. Considering what she's experienced, it might give her additional pressure to return your feelings. There's also a chance that she might be more protective of her own peace at the moment than she was in the past. If you told her, sure, there's also a chance she might feel honored and let you know that she feels the same way. But since she already said that she's not looking into dating at the moment, the cons might outweigh the pros here.

Adding to what Andy asked you after your first post, I'm also wondering how far do you think you'd be able to navigate and maintain this relationship--platonic or romantic. Not all relationships will last forever, but it's still a good idea to be aware of your capabilities to keep things on the good side. Whether as friends or as romantic partners, how much would you be able to support her not just through her "lighter" rants, but also through her roughest moments? If the two of you had any conflicts or disagreements, how would you go about it? You don't need to have all the answers now, but this could be some food for thought.

So, for me, your clarification doesn't change our advice, but ultimately you have the last say on this.

[casg2412]

Thank you for your answer!

About those questions, I don’t know how effective my support would be, but I’d be willing to support her through difficult times and work through conflicts or disagreements. With my ex, there were disagreements and some drama, but I was able to handle that because she remained calm. What I’d struggle with is regularly being scolded, or being shouted at, insulted or treated aggressively. My friendships are generally pretty peaceful, and I’d want that same sense of safety in our relationship, whether platonic or romantic, where we can communicate directly and calmly even when something is wrong.

What I’m still unsure about is what I should do while waiting. Should I keep spending time with her as a friend and see how things develop? What changes or signs, if any, would make it more appropriate to tell her about my feelings later? Or does the advice mean I should try to let go of the hope of romance altogether while continuing the friendship?
Thank you in advance.

[char]

No worries! It sounds like you're quite confident in your ability to navigate and resolve conflicts, which is great.

For now, I think it's best to keep befriending her without the intention of turning this relationship into a romantic one and 100% confidence that she'll be romantically attracted to you. Being in this uncertain state romance-wise may feel unpleasant, but at the same time, at least you know that she's a friend you can rely on. As for the signs, I can't say for sure, but if after a long while--take a few months or even a year from now--you find yourself still feeling this way, and things are going well between the two of you, it can be a good idea to confess. Otherwise, I believe only time will be able to tell us the answer. How does that sound?

Since you mentioned that you're autistic, you might find this piece insightful: How Do I Tell If Someone Is Into Me? It doesn't tell you specific signs, but it provides you things you can consider when it comes to your relationship with her.

[casg2412]

Thanks for the advice. I guess I'll just keep developing our friendship and reassess the situation after the end of the first semester.