sexual stuff in the future

[icecreamqueen3]

I dont think im unattractive but the thought of someone ever wanting to do something sexual with me as an adult is incomprehensible and unattainable like i cant imagine someone ever perceiving me that way its probably cause im young and i dont speak to other people outside of school or my family but sometimes i think how older people are able to do it so easily in my fantasies it seems easy but in real life im confused as to how it even happens and if it ever will, its hard for me to even make friends lol how do u connect with someone like that like how does it get to that point i get kinda jealous sometimes ngl I do get kinda scared that it wont happen when i grow up tho cause I cant seem to comprehend how il even get into a situation where it can happen. stuff like this seems otherworldly to me cause ive never experienced it if u get what I mean I dont wanna die a virgin to be honest if it doesnt happen as an adult i may resort to paying for it

Ive said before that I dont wanna date someone at 15 and that's true but i cant stop myself from wanting sex it gets so bad during ovulation what am I supposed to do

[mikky]

Hi icecreamqueen3,
I think that imagining something that is totally different and outside of your current life can feel pretty incomprehensible! I remember when I was 15, I was given an assignment where I had to write about what I thought my life would look like as an adult, and I found it near impossible- I could not, in any way, imagine myself having a job, living in a home of my own, dating, let alone having sex (all things I do now). I also believed wholeheartedly that nobody would ever be attracted to me, and I would never feel comfortable enough to be sexual with someone else. Happy to say I was wrong about that!

Something I'll say is that we don't tend to just fall into situations where sex "happens": like anything else, we take active steps and make choices around it. We might go on a date and feel a sense of attraction toward the date, ask them if they feel similarly, and ask them if they'd want to have sex, for example.

I doubt- I really really do- that if you, in your adulthood, are interested in sex, that you will never have sexual experiences with other people.

[icecreamqueen3]

Thanks tho I think just because it happend to u it doesnt mean that it will to me maybe u have better social skills than me idk

Usually I dont even wanna go into my fantasies because it just reminds me of this all over again it just seems like everyone is doing it but me like I've heard people in my school brag about it to their friends and it makes me feel like this

[char]

Hey icecreamqueen3! You're right, none of us can predict the future, let alone your own. But as our past conversation about dating have told you, there are more likely more teenagers that aren't dating compared those that are. COVID-19 has impacted the way we all interact with each other, but I can imagine it having a larger impact on folks your age, even if you may not recognize it. You're not "uncool" for not having a romantic and/or sexual life at the moment!

You might also want to check out these articles about feeling left out:
- It’s All Right: There Is No One Right Time to Start Dating
- It's Never Too Late To Start To Date
- Is 13 the "Right" Age for Sex or Romance?

With these in mind, how can we best help you with managing your feelings about this?

[Heather]

I also want to add that I think being hyperfocused on the future -- be it your ideas of what it might hold for you or what it might not -- isn't good for anyone. Not only can literally no one predict it, it just isn't helpful when it comes to addressing what's going on with you in the present. Same goes with being hyperfocused on what other people are doing, sexually or otherwise.

How about we focus on your present instead of your imagined future, icecreamqueen? What I keep hearing is that you feel lonely and isolated now. Would you like to brainstorm, perhaps, about what you might be able to do to try and form new friendships and other intimate relationships with people now, or buIld on existing ones so they turn into connections that offer you more?

[icecreamqueen3]

I can make friends every once in a while but idk about intimate connections I would say I had much more closer friendships as a child my social skills are mid like i don't approach anyone but if someone new approaches me I can speak to them like I speak to my friends

i remember temporarily going to a new school a few years ago and I couldn't make a single friend while other new students did in one day and I had to partner up with some random people and they were already judging me and giving me the stank eye as well as the time when the teacher encouraged me to talk to some people and they didn't even say hi back
and just stared at me


oh and when some guy in grade 7 said who would wanna date me cause i was ugly to him or getting made fun of for my arm hair like im just trying to live. I dont understand why men who dont find u attractive dont even see u as a human its really gross honestly i find more reasons to dislike them

My friendships now are okay and stable yay tho there is a some random guy in the group hes not mean to me but its like he wants to be friends with everyone in the group but me tho he always sits at the same table and when I try to engage with him he doesnt care idk but its like one random day he joined the group and is taking away my friend's time from me maybe u had a similar situation in highschool cause I heard of alot of people who have but recently his presence just bothers me in general (there has been other people who've joined the group in the past and some of them are my closest friends now )

Oh and il check those links out

[Heather]

I think a lot of people struggle to have actually intimate friendships in their teens. In my experience, to really get things to be deeper, you have to take a positive risk and open up to a friend or two bringing deep stuff to the table. Maybe you ask them for their help or advice, maybe just to listen, maybe you're asking if they are feeling or going through something similar.

I understand that interlopers -- or people who feel like them -- like that guy feel like a big barrier, but I don't think they actually are. Group lunch at school won't usually be a time where people are going to get particularly close, anyhow: perhaps for more friend time you could ask your friends about more time outside of school?

You're right, of course, some guys, men and other people are crummy -- alas, bullying and harassment are things people of all types do -- but excellent people also come in all genders. <3

You know, occupational therapy that's specifically focused on social skills is something that can be available to a lot of people. Do you have an IEP, by any chance?

[icecreamqueen3]

I very rarely see my friends outside of school cause they live too far from me and no I dont have an iep

Like I do like myself but then I wonder why people aren't attracted to me am i false for liking myself cause maybe if it was actually true i would see results from it u know