dr’s test result anxiety

[oogabooga27]

hi anyone at scarleteen,

it’s me again. so i was having extreme anxiety about the encounter i last posted about. it got so bad that my parents took me to the doctors and i got a urine test. i had some water during the day since i didn’t know they’d bring me to the doctors. are the in clinic urine tests really 99% accurate? especially if it’s been like over 10 weeks past the encounter i am worried about? they did a blood one and im worried it’ll be inconclusive or positive for some reason. how do i deal with the shame of this whole situation? my parents think im no longer a virgin and they want me to leave my boyfriend. we didn’t do anything penetrative or naked to naked and im so sad and embarrassed and my parents don’t believe me. i wish my anxiety wasn’t so bad. how do i get over this shame? i’m really hoping it’s not positive since ive had sushi and a little bit of alcohol in these past 2/3ish months and im scared. im 18 and im so embarrassed that im so stupid worrying about something that basically isn’t a real risk; i’m back on my anxiety medication but i feel like im going to explode until i get the blood results back

[Heather]

Hi there, oogabooga. I'm sorry that you're feeling the way that you are.

I'm seeing two different issues here: your parents reaction to you having a sexual relationship with your boyfriend (though I understand you're saying you haven't had intercourse or taken your clothes off, I'm not talking about what your parents think, I'm calling it a sexual relationship because you two have been exploring some kinds of sex together), and your reaction to them, and your continued anxiety based on a pregnancy scare.

As I mentioned here -- viewtopic.php?p=87451#p87451 -- we need to set a limit with providing reassurance around this scare and anything related to it. Engaging with you in that way is something we just know only keeps you in anxiety loops instead of fixing them. I'd suggest that if you want to know about the efficacy of any tests performed today at the doctors office, that office is who to call and ask about that, but my better advice is for you to keep trying to let this go, and to seek out help with your anxiety if at all possible. It's clearly really running you ragged, and you so obviously need help with it, something our service just can't provide. Can you talk with the psychiatrist who prescribes you your medication and let them know that you need more help than it provides for you?

We can, however, talk with you about the shame you are feeling, and about things with your parents. Can you start by explaining what you think you feel ashamed of, and if you think whatever that is is something you *should* feel ashamed of?

When it comes to working things out with your parents, might you be able, in a calmer moment for all of you, to ask to sit down with them and be honest about the kinds of encounters you and your boyfriend have had so far, and to ask them why they want you to break up with him (I am assuming that's something you don't want to do)?

[oogabooga27]

i just don’t get why they need to have all the details of what i did, if we never had piv or bare naked genital to naked genital contact, and kept our underwear on. the only reason i freaked out was from when we only wore underwear and i was scared my layer was wet, and yesterday i had a meltdown about it and it
opened a whole can of worms. why do i need to tell them what i’ve done?? they’re acting like they never had any kind of relations with their partners when they were younger, and ive been trying my best to be safe. i know its my fault since i told them about it, but now i dont understand why they have to make me feel so bad, and its not my boyfriend’s fault that im so anxious, and i dont know what the heck they want me to do. i told my mom, i can just breakup with my boyfriend. and then she goes “so you’re saying you can’t just overcome your temptations?” but she literally also told me my father never wants to see my boyfriend again. so what on earth else am i supposed to do? this feels like a humiliation ritual and its my fault i wish i wasn’t so anxious i wouldn’t have freaked out and now waiting for the blood is killing me, and my old obygyn my mom called her and she randomly wants to see me and this is all just really scary and i’ve lost all appetite to be physical ever again in my life. it’s been so humiliating

[Heather]

They don't need to have all the details, that's not what I meant. What you tell them -- and what you don't -- is up to you. It would be up to you even if you were a minor, but you're not, you're a legal adult, and you get to decide what you share with them about this. I simply meant that you can tell them that they can think what they like, but that it sounds like they are thinking you have done things you have not done.

You're also right: they shouldn't be trying to make you feel bad, if that's what's going on here.

I don't know what you mean when you say "it's your fault." What is your fault?

An OB/GYN should not be calling you because your Mom called her. Again, you're a legal adult, and unless you are asking for your mother to make medical calls or appointments on your behalf, that's not her place, and any doctors she calls without telling them -- honestly -- she has your permission should be telling her that, too. Do *you* want an appointment or a talk with that OB/GYN? If not, you get to decline. You also get to tell that doctor or their practice that asking to see you because your mother called them is unprofessional and inappropriate if you feel up to it.

I'm so sorry to hear you feel humiliated, and I can see why you do feel that way. I'm also not surprised that right now, you have no desire to think about anything sexual or physical. That makes sense, given what you're going through.

I asked if you thought you could sit down with them, when you have all had a little time for all of this to settle, and talk with them about all of this, including how you're feeling after the ways they have reacted. Unless I am misreading the situation, it's sounding like a calm, honest, and more caring conversation with your parents about this might be hard to come by: do I have that right?