not drinking on parties

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stateofgrace
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not drinking on parties

Unread post by stateofgrace »

Hello! :)
Since the summer holidays, I've been struggling with going to parties. Well, it's not really the going part that I'm having a problem with. This summer, my friends were celebrating their 18th birthdays, and with that came what you'd expect - parties with alcohol (legally now).
I've been to two parties like that, and no, they weren't exactly huge or particularly festive. But even so, whenever someone mentioned the date of an upcoming party, my stomach would drop, and I'd immediately start stressing about it because I knew what I'd be facing there... alcohol.
In my friend group and in society in general, I feel like there's this idea that everyone has to drink, and if they don't, it means they've struggled with alcoholism or something like that. There's no such thing as "not drinking just because you don't want to," and that's what's really hard for me. The pressure to drink (= to "have fun") is huge, and because of it, I get stressed just thinking about the next party, which is coming up in a month.
It's my closest friend's 18th birthday party, and she has friends who... are very good at partying. Of course, she knows I won't drink, and she's okay with that, but the thought that everyone around me will be drinking (= having more fun) is really hard for me. I know I won't feel entirely comfortable.
At the last two parties, I had a little fun, but I'm not really a fun person in general. My definition of fun is a bed, a blanket, tea, and a good movie. I've had a nice time with my friends (even though they were drinking), but there were many moments when I felt like I was pretending to enjoy myself by swaying to the music or singing.
Because this is my closest friend's birthday, I'll definitely be going, but I'm afraid of how I'll feel there and what I'll do with myself when everyone is tipsy, dancing, and singing... It probably wouldn't bother me as much if I were an extrovert, but I'm quite the opposite.
Why don't I drink? No particular reason. I've never had that "omg, I'm finally old enough to drink! I can't wait!" feeling or any urge to drink. Sometimes, I'm even put off by the smell of alcohol. There's no history of alcoholism in my immediate family, so it's not related to any trauma either. I just don't feel like drinking... or maybe I'm scared? But of what?
I'm writing this to sort out my thoughts and try to rationalize the situation! Any advice or words of support would be appreciated :D
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Heather
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Re: not drinking on parties

Unread post by Heather »

Hey there, stateofgrace. I'm sorry you're feeling like this! :(

You know, it sounds to me like part of the problem is the very binary thinking happening around drinking or not drinking, and maybe even with a slice of stigma for people in recovery. By all means, the only people who don't drink aren't recovering alcoholics, but even if they were, one would hope that people who think that still would just accept those folks choices without making it their business if they were in recovery or not, you know?

But look, those aren't the only two settings for folks -- drinkers and non-drinking alcoholics. There's this whole giant group of people who just don't drink or rarely do for any number of reasons, including the simple disinterest you're describing having yourself. Some of those folks call themselves straight-edge, some dry, and some don't call themselves anything. They jkust don't drink.

I don't think you need to think too hard about if you're not drinking out of fear, because it's not like drinking offers you this whole world of benefits you may be missing. At best, it's something that's not good for our bodies that can give people a little bit of a help relaxing or being more outwardly social (if and when it even does that), but there's a pretty long list in the "at worst" column, so I say if you're not interested in drinking, just take that as a win and take a pass on drinking.

Because it sounds to me like this is also a lot more about peer and cultural pressure, and friend not being inclusive to non-drinkers more than it is about you being scared or wanting to drink but not letting yourself. It can feel so isolating to be the only person in a friend group not, effectively, high on the same substance. But I don't think just doing the substance is the answer, because it's not NOT doing it that's the problem. The problem is the drinking being made the main event or the only thing for everyone to participate in.

The tricky thing with this situation is that you're not likely to be able to make a very heavy drinking friend group different. Probably at least some of them will grow out of it in time, others will become alcoholics (be they in recovery or active drunks), and others still will find an equilibrium. I'd say it's pretty common when young people are new to drinking, especially just past a legal age, for a lot of folks, especially groups, to overdo it or really center it. It does usually pass in time, or at least, become something less huge.

I certainly think it sounds like you could stand to try and build some new friendships with people where alcohol at parties isn't so common or centered. But I know that doesn't solve for the issue with this particular party.

Are you the ONLY person in your friend group who doesn't drink? Might there be anyone else who also doesn't? If not, do you have any other friends outside this group who don't drink who you could bring? Normally, I'd suggest talking to the person hosting the party, but I don't know how you'd feel about that given is it this friend's party for her own birthday. But it is one other option?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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