How to initiate?? (confidently. maybe)

[fishyarticles]

So like... I'm trans (ftm), and I have a trans boyfriend (also ftm, at least I think so.... it'd be very embarrassing if he wasn't). We got together six months ago, but since, we haven't really done anything "romantic" together. Yes, this is sort of due to school, but it's also due to the fact I don't know how to initiate anything. The thing is, we've been wanting to kiss or do at least something for the majority of our relationship, yet we've never managed to even get to the kiss stage. So, I'm asking, how do I initiate? (kisses but also everything)

I don't generally initiate anything apart from activities, mostly because anything other than an activity feels "intimate" and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. What would be the price of him feeling uncomfortable? Probably just an awkward conversation, but my mind spins it into so many worse things lol. I care about him, I really don't want him to leave me. He never has expressed wanting to leave me before, and he's told me that he loves me, but I still get scared. So anyways. I'm scared that it'll make him uncomfortable if I initiate a kiss or anything. I'm ALSO scared that I'll absolutely suck lol. And also that he doesn't want to anymore. Nor do I know how to initiate or ask for anything intimate... Like I can't really just go up to him and say "hey, wanna kiss?" because that'd be weird. And if he says no, what do I do to make everything okay....

Also, probably tmi but this whole website looks to be designed for tmi, I like. really want to at least talk about sex with him. When I first went into the relationship, I said "nothing sexual yet" (I said this so I'd look sane), and now I can't tell if I've somehow blocked myself from that route or if he doesn't want it. I think a lot of my problems are a "what if he doesn't want it?" thing actually. But like, back to the "I want to talk to him about sex" thing, the urge to talk about that with him has gone up recently. I have no idea why. I'm reading books with smut in them, and I can't not imagine us in their positions. It's really getting to a point... is this overstepping? But yeah, at this point I've already masturbated to that idea and it is not helping this situation of mine. I can't tell if I'm doing something wrong or if this is normal... I sort of recently cut contact with someone who messed up my sense of boundaries into oblivion, so I really don't know what's normal anymore. Also they always initiated so I never learnt how to.

I also don't want to stress him out. He has school and all that, and it's tiring for him. I have less of a load since I have a reduced load/timetable (basically I do less classes) but he doesn't, and I don't want to make him even more tired, or annoy him or anything else

TLDR: I want to kiss my boyfriend but I can't because I don't know how to initiate, I also don't know what to do if he says no, or if he says yes for that matter. I would also like to talk to him about sex because the idea keeps invading my mind and since I love him, he becomes the participant in my imagination. And he's tired often so I don't want to make that worse

[char]

Welcome to the boards, fishyarticles! It sounds like you're very considerate of your boyfriend's feelings and activities, which is great. I'd also like to invite you to revisit/reframe what you think and feel might happen if you asked your boyfriend to have a sexual relationship with you. Additionally, you're right, there's no such thing as TMI here; we're all ears (or eyes, in this case)!

What would be the price of him feeling uncomfortable? Probably just an awkward conversation, but my mind spins it into so many worse things lol. I care about him, I really don't want him to leave me. He never has expressed wanting to leave me before, and he's told me that he loves me, but I still get scared. So anyways. I'm scared that it'll make him uncomfortable if I initiate a kiss or anything.

Do you still remember how you and your boyfriend ended up dating? What steps did you take to be in this romantic relationship with him? What were the possibilities you thought might happen but ended up not happening at all because you walked into the unknown and asked him out/said yes to him asking you out? I'm asking you these questions because forming this relationship was likely something that you were not 100% sure the outcome would be. A lot of times, we have to make a decision which outcome we won't always know for sure, right? It can feel scary, but by going through the realistic possibilities, we can understand what the possible risks of our actions are and make an informed decision. Our founder, Heather, wrote an in-depth piece about considering risks and making decisions, particularly in a sexual setting, that might be helpful for you: Risky Business: Learning to Consider Risk and Make Sound Sexual Choices. It also has an accompanying worksheet/list of questions for reflection: Risky Business: Helpsheet

When I first went into the relationship, I said "nothing sexual yet" (I said this so I'd look sane), and now I can't tell if I've somehow blocked myself from that route or if he doesn't want it. I think a lot of my problems are a "what if he doesn't want it?" thing actually. But like, back to the "I want to talk to him about sex" thing, the urge to talk about that with him has gone up recently. I have no idea why. I'm reading books with smut in them, and I can't not imagine us in their positions. It's really getting to a point... is this overstepping? But yeah, at this point I've already masturbated to that idea and it is not helping this situation of mine. I can't tell if I'm doing something wrong or if this is normal...

There's nothing wrong with having sexual thoughts of other people, especially those we're emotionally attached to. After all, they're just that: thoughts. If you're looking into making this relationship sexual, however, you'll have to consider the extent of sexual activities you're comfortable with doing, your access to safer sex (both physically and emotionally), and more. I also don't think there's no way of telling whether your boyfriend wants to have sex with you unless you ask him directly. You did mention that it would be weird to just to ask him if he'd like to kiss, but for a lot of people, direct communication works better than dancing around the subject. In fact, I think it'd be useful if the two of you could allocate some time to discuss intimacy in your relationship in a relatively neutral setting (i.e. in a situation where both of you know the discussion won't have to end up with sex). How does that sound?

Aside from the Risky Business articles above, here are some other pieces you might want to check out:
- Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
- Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
- Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
- Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

[fishyarticles]

Thank you for the input! It does definitely help to look back at the past and see how I've stepped into the unknown. I was the one to ask him out, and he didn't say no, so I suppose this is worth a try too.

Thanks for the articles too!! I'll certainly take a look at them. I think making time to talk to him about all this would be productive. I just can't help but feel embarrassed about it... but I've embarrassed myself in front of him many times before lol, I'm sure he doesn't care anymore. I will give this all a try and give the articles a read, thank you again!

[char]

Glad I could help! If you've read the articles and have questions still, don't hesitate to ask us.