I Know Sex isn't Everything, So Why Does it Feel Like Everything?

[Master_Classer]

I've found that I've put a lot of importance on sex. As in, it's become my only goal in life, which isn't good since having sex as your goal makes it harder to get it.

This causes me to think that every day I don't have sex, I've somehow failed, which would mean every day of my life is a failure.

I know that's a poor way of thinking, but it doesn't matter what I know logically, as that doesn't change my beliefs.

I feel very jealous and bitter sometimes when I watch porn or hear random strangers on the internet talk about sex they've had. I'm noticing how others have what I want. Of course I'm jealous. My feelings are my feelings and jealousy is a normal response to seeing other people have something I desperately want. That isn't the problem.

The problem is the shame. I think random strangers are better than me just because they've had any form of sexual experience and I haven't. If nothing else really matters to me, then it doesn't matter who they are as a person, what they do, or anything else. As long as someone has had a sexual experience, they're better than me by default.

Even I know sex isn't that good and is just one part of life, and I'm hyping it up too much. I know it won't make me happy or make me feel more fulfilled, but again, it doesn't matter what I logically think because it doesn't change my beliefs.

I feel that my life is pointless and empty without sex. I even have trouble deciding what kind of ice cream flavor I want, or whether I want ice cream at all. Since those decisions don't affect whether I have sex ultimately the decision doesn't matter to me, so I end up being really indecisive and asking myself "Why" all the time and the answer is usually "No reason because you're not going to having sex anyway."

One other thing I've noticed is that saying nothing else really matters (like I said earlier) isn't entirely true. Other things DO matter to me, like food, video games, or having clothes to wear. It's just that I've already achieved those things, so I don't really count them in my mind. I have a sneaking suspicion the same thing would happen with sex if I achieved it. Sex is like this magical McGuffin that I've put on a pedestal, and I can never take it off until I experience how mundane it actually is.

Most healthy people don't define their value or worth based on how much sex they've had. Life isn't a scoreboard, and there's no way to accurately describe a person's inherent worth through their actions or experiences. However, I feel that you can and should judge my worth based on those things, even if I recognize that this isn't how I would judge someone else.

So my question is: How can I change the belief that having less sexual experience makes me inferior to other people, when knowing logically that this belief is irrational hasn't changed how I actually feel? Because right now, I feel very inferior, especially considering the fact that I'm as far away from sex as I possibly can be.

[mikky]

Hey there,

From your last posts it sounds that therapy, at least right now, is not helping reconcile these beliefs about yourself with what it seems like you logically know to be true. This does sound like a question/issue, though, that is likely far beyond our scope (education). And I get it- there’s a lot of things I experience that I logically know are not true, and not aligned with my values whatsoever, like that my appearance does not make me a fundamentally worthless person; yet still every experience I have feels twisted and marred by that lens.

I guess- I am just not sure what to offer you. One thing would be looking at other user’s posts on the boards and seeing if the wide spectrum of types of people and their relationships with sex and sexual experiences feels at all helpful. Like, seeing that it is a part of people’s lives that is good or mundane or difficult or nonexistent….

Another thing we can offer is education on sex, cultural attitudes around sex, the history of sex and power and control, etc. We don’t earn or deserve to have sex with other people. We also can have a sexuality and journey around that without other people being involved at all.

Can you tell us what, if anything, within our scope we can help with?

Additionally, I’ve compiled some articles that I think could resonate with you, some on shifting deeply held beliefs about sex:

Man to Man: On Sex, Masculinity, and Being Yourself
Unpacking Cultural Myths and Biases About Women's Bodies & Sex
Will I be the only virgin in my circle of friends and family forever?
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
Deep down I think that sex is bad and wrong. What can I do??

[Master_Classer]

Some of the articles were topical. Don't worry. I did read them.

Alright then, let's look at what I said in the first line of the earlier post.

which isn't good since having sex as your goal makes it harder to get it.

Is that true? Does wanting a romantic relationship and only doing things that get you closer to one make it harder to get one?

I hear this sentiment a lot. People who only want a romantic relationship don't get one, while people who don't care just stumble into one. In some places, I hear that "stumbling onto it" is actually the only good and healthy way for a relationship to start.

It's like reading those "real" sex stories online where the author says, "One thing led to another," and then they're just having sex. They skip the most important part, and it gives you this weird feeling that it was all chance and circumstance. (Because it kind of is. The things I do can only give me the opportunity for a relationship because, sadly, it relies on another person being there at the right time. So maybe the stories are real.)

However, I do know the sentiment can't be true. If it were, no one would be in a relationship because they would have to not want one and also not try to get one in order to have one. Which is an oxymoron.

I know people who say things like "stop seeking out relationships" or "stop wanting them so you can get them" are just trying to help. But what if I stop wanting relationships because I want a relationship and I think not wanting it will help me get it? See, it doesn't make any sense.

What they're trying to say is basically what I was asking you how to do in my previous post. They're saying to have other things in your life. Go out and do activities and hobbies and make friends without thinking of sex or a relationship as the end goal. Do things for yourself and not for a relationship because then you'll be disappointed when it doesn't happen, and you'll be an insecure person who relies on a relationship too much.

So I listened.

I did finally figure out that only doing things that provide a direct possibility for a romantic relationship doesn't work to actually get me one. That's because I have no way of knowing whether something will give me an opportunity for a relationship, and because having friends is apparently a good way to get romantic relationships. Vouching, social networking, and all that.

Which is why I need to make friends and do hobbies and stuff. Not because I want those things. Talking to people is the thing I hate the most in this world, and I'm not interested in anything else unless it's sex-related. In other words, I'm the sleazy guy who goes to dance lessons just to hook up with women. I don't want to be that person, but I can't change what I want or why I do things. And the only reason I don't want to be that person is because I think it will make it harder to get a relationship. Not because I truly care about being a good person.

Because what I really need is repeated contact with the same people, because that's how I make friends, which is how I get a romantic relationship. But I'm always going to be doing it for the wrong reason. I'm always going to be making friends and going to classes just for a relationship, which, according to everyone, makes it harder for that to happen. And I've tried and I've tried, but I can't seem to change my motives.

I've realized that self-help advice is just dating advice. I'm only going to therapy, reading books, trying to cut down on porn, and trying, for so much of my life, to be someone who is good enough to have sex. I only got my stupid job just for the chance to make friends so I can have a chance at sex. I listened to their advice to stop valuing sex so much and do other things, but only because I value sex so much and I think that will help me get it.

But it doesn't matter. All my work and improvement and pain is worthless because I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. I'm not doing it for "myself" or my own happiness like you're supposed to. Everything I'm doing is for sex, and I can't seem to change that.

So again I'm left with a question (or I guess two): If I can't change the fact that I want a relationship above everything else, can I still have a life and pursue that relationship without doing everything for the wrong reasons? Does the fact that I'm doing these things for the sake of a relationship actually sabotage my chances of getting one?

[Heather]

Hi there, Master_Classer.

You know, those setups where people are just hanging out and then sex just "happens" are, you're correct, sometimes about a lot of information being left out. But sometimes it is because it does actually feel like that for people -- the thing is that when it does, it often isn't a good feeling, exactly, at least not for one person, if not everyone involved. Because sex "just happening" or feeling like that is more often because people aren't doing things they need to to make it good for everyone, like making sure consenting is actually happening or asking someone what they like and want. For more on that, you might check this out: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/sex-sex ... en-instead

You quoted Mikky on a statement she made about sex, but then asked about pursuing romantic relationships. These aren't the same things. By all means, relationships aren't things that just fall from the sky or happen for us, we do all generally have to seek them out, and then, of course, once we find people to explore them with -- or possibly explore them with -- then there is ongoing effort, investment, and a lot of things we all need to do to grow and nurture those relationships, on top of just experiencing them. The idea people just "stumble in" to romantic or other kinds of relationships is more of a romantic notion than a reality. In reality, while sometimes we may, say, meet a partner unexpectedly, or get involved romantically when we weren't looking for it or planning on it, none of this is passive -- we still all have to do things to actually do something with those kinds of connections. Relationships aren't things that passively happen to people, they are ongoing interactions and connections we create with each other and all need to be actively involved with or else either nothing happens, or, if only one person is really being active, are one-sided, which rarely feels good for anyone involved.

In other words, you're right, people advising you to stop looking or paying attention aren't giving you good advice. By all means, sometimes we need to watch how hard we're trying with any of this, because a) a life that's laser-focused on only the pursuit of this doesn't tend to be or feel great, and b) if and when someone gets to a point of desperation, it can be a thing other people pick up on that understandably makes them less inclined to want to get close to that person. But we have to pay attention and we have to engage in active things to, if not find, absolutely to be part of any kind of ongoing relationship.

It does sound like you might need to remind yourself that going about any of this thinking about a relationship or sex as something to acquire for yourself, not as shared experiences with someone else that need to be mutually wanted and mutually satisfying isn't the way. I don't tell you that because otherwise it's harder to find those relationships or interactions, I tell you because if all that's really centered are your own wants or needs, then that doesn't really take the other person into account as a whole person, you know?

I don't think you doing things to try and find connection with another person or people is a problem. But I do think that you need to be sure you're always remembering that whatever interactions, experiences or relationships you have with another person need to be as much about that person -- as a whole person, not just as someone who can give you something you want -- as about you. Get what I'm saying?