Getting over a crush

[bricknmortar]

Howdy howdy
I think I have a crush on someone... but she's 16 and I'm 18. That's creepy and it's making me paranoid. I'm not planning to do anything about it but I feel bad because we are friends, and my feelings pop up when I talk to her. How do I get over these feelings so we can just be good friends?
-Brick HO

[Sofi]

Hi there, bricknmortar.

I hear you want to get over your feelings for your friend, and we can certainly talk about that and help you navigate this situation. I am curious, though, why you say it's creepy. It making you paranoid sounds very frustrating and I hate that you're feeling that way, so I just want to tackle that too, since from my perspective you aren't creepy for liking a friend who is only 2 years younger than you. Has someone said to you that it's creepy or weird?

[bricknmortar]

Hi Sofi! I guess people in person haven't said its outright creepy, but I know people online and in my community who have been skewered for nearly identical situations. And when I've brought it up to friends they say its "risky" and "not a good idea." It also just clear to me she still has a lot in life to figure out, and tit feels icky to date when we are at such differing points in our life? Does that make sense

[mikky]

hi bricknmortar,
I have also seen people been given a pretty hard time for liking people who are under 18 once they turn 18, even when those people are in similar life situations to one another (like, still in the same school, both living with parents, sharing a community and friends). It sounds like the more pertinent thing here is that you feel that she and yourself are at differing points in your life in such a way that it feels significantly disruptive.

Actually "getting over" a crush can be sooooo tricky. I’ve had many a crush that I have suffered from- like unrequited crushes, friends who I knew were better as friends, or people who were just clearly not a good idea to take any kind of meaningful action around being with, but attraction was there. For me, these tend to go in pretty regular cycles, and they do fade out over time.

Do you have a usual pattern or cycle around crushes? Do they start strong and fade out quick? Do they come from close proximity to the person and go away with distance? What types of feelings are popping up- can you describe them?

[bricknmortar]

Honestly I'm on the aromantic spectrum and experience crushes extremely rarely. I've never really had this happen before lol.....

[Becky]

Hi bricknmortar!

I totally get it, I'm on the asexual spectrum! Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with ourselves in these situations.

For what it's worth, I think you're probably making the right decision. I don't think it's inherently wrong for a 16 year old and an 18 year old to like each other or even date but I think you are smart for considering the difference in your life situations. 2 years older really isn't that much but if she's still in high school and you're maybe in college or about to leave for college? Or maybe you're about to graduate HS in the spring and then head into the workforce? Whatever the situation is, you're getting to a point in your life where you're going to experience a lot more freedom but also a lot more responsibility in ways that may make your situations unrelatable to each other for a while.

My best advice for you is just to give yourself time. It's also totally ok to grieve about what could have been. Allow yourself to feel sad that this wasn't the right time to pursue a relationship with this person. You can also make a kind of pros and cons list (modified). Journal about why this person is a great friend but wouldn't be a good romantic partner for you right now.

Also make sure you're filling your own cup and getting out and meeting/spending time with other people. Do you have any activities you like to do that bring you joy and keep you present?