I don't know if I'm a real lesbian.

[purplebowtie]

Hello, this is my first post so I'm a little nervous and I apologise if anything doesn't make sense.

I've been a proud and open lesbian for all of the time that I have realised I am queer. I had a small period questioning wether I was bisexual or a lesbian, especially since I struggled alot with comphet, but I managed to get over that and came to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. Being a lesbian means the world to me, it is a safe and comfortable label, community and identity for me. I love women, am attracted to women in every way and I have no doubts about this.

For some context, I struggle alot with daydreaming. I don't know if it counts as maladaptive daydreaming, but the point is that I daydream alot. This daydreaming is typically about a 'charachter' I'm playing (It's me but with no same features, looks or even name as me. Kind of an OC I guess but from my perspective.) in one of my favourite shows or more specifically animes. In this 'realm' I've created in my head, I'm dating one of the charachters - a male charachter. I know there is alot of discourse surrounding wether lesbians can be attracted to fictional male charachters, and thats what started this internal worry for me. When I used to daydream about this life, and dating this charachter, I'd sometimes have sexual fantasies over him. These always make me feel disgusted to think back on, and it was never something really planned? Moreso just that I got too into daydreaming or maybe it's hormones. I especially feel disgusted at the fact that my body sometimes had a physical reaction to them (if you know what I mean. I never did anything during, but just the fact that I felt arousal at the thought of something like that makes me feel so gross about myself.) I'm struggling to understand whether I felt sexually attracted to the male charachter, or just the idea of sex and the acts that were happening in the fantasy. I've also had daydreams about women, and sexual fantasies about women where I feel the exact same as the fantasies with the fictional guy, but the difference is in the fantasies with women It's Me, and a real woman who's actually my type. Wheras in the fantasies with men, it's my charachter experiencing it not really me.

I'd also like to note that since these feelings of stress about it all, I haven't had these fantasies or daydreamed since. I feel so disgusted and gross that this stuff ever happened, and also like I mentioned it was becomimg a problem and I'd end up daydreaming instead of doing important things or living my life, so I'm attempting to put a stop to it.

I have literally no attraction to men whatsoever. I can appreciate when a man looks nice, but I don't feel emotionally, physically, sexually or romantically attracted to him. Not real life men or actors/celebrities. This fictional man however, I have created a whole life with in my head, and I feel so weird and gross that I've felt some sort of way to a fictional guy as a lesbian. I don't think I'd describe it as attraction, because if he were to materialise infront of me I'd feel disgusted and wouldn't want anything to do with him. Seeing cosplays of him or people who look like him does nothing for me, so why do I fantasise about him when I know I'm not attracted to him in real life.

Seeing alot of stuff online from other lesbians about how if lesbians find fictional men attractive they're not lesbians, and other stuff like that really stresses me out. I also feel such shame and guilt at the thought of other lesbians finding out that I had sexual fantasies about a fictional man and I call myself a lesbian. It's caused me so much anxiety and stress over the fact that I might not be lesbian, even to the point that I feel physically nauseous and throw up (Seemes dramatic I know.) I can't picture myself being bisexual and the thought of comming out as that or being that makes me feel immensley sad and stressed. Also to know that if I did do that, men would think of me as attainable and attempt to hit on me sickens me. I know I will never date a man, or kiss a man, or have sex with a man or do anything with a man beyond being friends, because I'm not interested in them like that at all. I know sexuality can be more complex than strict labels, but as an autistic person I feel the need to label myself, and I'm really struggling with the fact that I feel like an imposter, and that I don't fit in this label even though it's the one I've felt the most comfortable using all my life.

To summarise, I don't know if I can truly call myself a lesbian when I've had sexual fantasies about fictional men. I have nothing against bisexual people, but the thought of myself being bisexual brings me such intense feelings of worry, anxiety and stress because it feels so Wrong. But at the same time, I feel guilty calling myself a lesbian at the moment. I guess I'm looking for reassurance? or guidance? on what to do and how to navigate my feelings, if anyone can provide that

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, purplebowtie. I'm glad you've found us. I'm sorry it's because you're feeling so distressed.

I want to say something right up top here in hopes that hitting this before any preamble will help it land the most:

These classical frameworks for sexual orientation -- in particular, the frameworks of heterosexuality and homosexuality -- were not designed or intended to mean that someone of those orientations only EVER felt attraction to people of one gender. Instead, they were designed to exist on a spectrum, where people who felt like they MOSTLY or only felt attraction to either people of their own gender or of another gender. What we know from the Kinsey studies these frameworks were all based on is that people who ONLY are ever attracted to one gender of person, across a lifetime, are actually rare. What is much more common, and is where the old trope that everyone is really bisexual came from, is for people to have at least a somewhat more diverse experience of attraction than that, if not much more diverse.

And remember, life can be very long, and who we are or aren't attracted to inside just a handful of years of even feeling that kind of attraction will never be a good gauge of how someone will feel and what their life experiences will be across a lifetime.

These frameworks also were not ever meant to apply to fictional or imaginary people. They were based on, and meant to be about, actual, living beings and how we feel about and with them.

(If it helps you to feel less alone in this, though, know that we've been hearing from more and more young people with these kinds of concerns and worries, something likely growing because young people now are, I'd say, much more constantly engaged with fiction, especially sexual or sexualized fiction, than has been the case in generations before.)

You are not an impostor, and you still wouldn't be one even if you felt attracted to real, live men, even if you had sexual interactions with real live men! You are not an impostor because your body has responded to your imagination. I promise. To think or assume either of those things is to deeply misunderstand these frameworks and where they came from.

Fantasy is wacky sometimes, and can be a lot like dreams, pulling from the static of our minds and the world we are all in every day. I think you're making much too much of it. Fantasies are only thoughts: they can't harm us, they don't define us, and this kind are ultimately fluff, not anything even important.

I suspect that the very strong feelings you are having about this are as strong as they are because of the weight you're giving them, and that your fears around this are what are feeding your anxiety. Knowing that the way you are thinking about lesbianism is much, much stricter, and even about things -- fantasies -- it was never meant to be centered on, and than works for a majority of people who are now and have been lesbian in history, do you feel any differently? <3