I feel trapped

[Wanjiee]

Been a minute since I was here to brace yourselves, lol.

Last time I was here some dude had broken up with me because he said he has issues he has to sort out etc etc. you know what fine. It took me a minute there to stop crying or even idk stop hyperfixating on the guy as much. Now the problem is we still talk. We've met up a couple of times and the last time we did this person told me he loves me. He also added that he still can't in any sense be my man or anyone's man for that matter because he's idk internally fucked up, traumas and whatnot. He keeps telling me that and i think at some point i even told him that I'm not asking him for anything, not arelationship, nothing, nada. Which was a lie. I said that because like the day before he drunk called me telling me that if i push him over the edge he's going to block me forever and forget about me. In the call he also ranted about a random woman for a straight 5 minutes who is his ex from years ago who is the source of the trauma (according to him)

Now idk what it is with me. Because I keep talking to him. He doesn't even call, I call him. I can't remember when he even sat down and texted me first, he's not for so damn long, and you see the thing is that I can't hold him accountable for that because he said yk nothing serious etc etc. is that what i want, no. Sometimes i wonder whether I'm just emotionally damaging myself because I'm not brave enough to just move on completely with my life. I feel like I'm failing myself because how tf do i just snap from that.

And my other problem is idk i feel like if i went silent the guy would hate me. It wouldn't matter ik months from now but idk if you get what i mean. I don't want to be hated. I may or may not (i absolutely do) have this thing where i like heing important to everyone and one of a kind and whatnot. Good god i need to idk move. I feel trapped.

On that note i should add that i went out with his friend who didn't really know about us. It crushed and burnt in a week. At least I didn't spiral though. I dunno of this makes me a bad person. I just don't know, all these romantic stuff is starting to be confusing

[Heather]

Wanjiee,

I'm always glad to see you again, but I'm really sorry that it keeps being because of finding yourself stuck with some crummy guy. I think you know by now we're very invested in you and your well-being around here.

My guess is that this guy keeps attaching himself to you -- which I think might be the easier place to start before we try and get to why *you* keep staying attached to him -- because you tolerate his behavior no matter how awful, dishonest, or hurtful/abusive -- calling you to threaten you with withholding is an abuse, and being drunk doesn't make it any less of one. You already know that, that's some of what you're saying when you talk about being unable to hold him accountable. He knows you won't, and that's likely your sole value to him, sadly. (I say sadly not because he has anything to offer YOU, he so obviously doesn't, but because I know you to be a person who could offer people a lot more richness than a rubber stamp on their shitty behavior.)

I hear you when you talk about having a real issue with the idea anyone might not like you, or, worse still, might hate you (which feels very unlikely to me, but I digress). I agree that that certainly is part of what's at play here with you struggling so much to cut yourself loose of this guy and others like him. Why do you think it's so hard for you to have someone -- even someone crummy -- not like you or be upset with you?

I do think that this is absolutely doing you harm, and clearly has been from the start of your interactions with this person. Even just being on the receiving end of the call you described is going to be damaging for anyone, and so, too, will just be having someone in your life like this at all.

What do you think you need in order to end your involvement with this person, and to stop staying involved with people who, at best, offer you nothing, and at worst, do you harm? I know that might sound like a foolish question, because perhaps that's what you're asking us, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on this, if you're open to it.

[Wanjiee]

Heeyyy,

I think the reason i keep feeling aawh he's gonna hate me is because he's opened up about things that honestly don't make sense to me (like the time he said he broke up with me coz he realized he's angry towards his ex of 3 years ago and whatnot) so idk i feel like he's presented himself as a victim to me countless times and i sorta feel like, "gosh now I'm abandoning this poor baby" i know how that sounds.

It baffles me that not once has this guy whenever i emotionally express myself had never straight up said, "I'm sorry" he just goes on and on about how I'm feeling entitled or that he wasn't in his right state of mind and acting overwhelmed. I can't i honestly just can't with someone who cannot hold a very simple conversation and just shut off, meanwhile they're dumping all sorts of information to me and expecting me to give them grace.

What I think I need? I think I just need to stop being idle and just sit with the boredom, because i find that when I have nothing to do is when i reach out the most. I recently got a new job so yay money I'll be able to do stuff for me and me alone.
Honestly, other than that, idk what else I can do or needs to be done. Do i like just tell him off once and for all and just disappear, or just shut up forever because tbh I'm tired. I find it draining, so draining esp when I'm like talking to him and this all shifts to the, "we're going nowhere.." actually, one time i was with him and he said, i shouldn't be asking questions of the future like will we be together and just focus on the present (by that he meant like having sex) but i was like,"nah i know this will have me all attached and going crazy over you" and he got annoyed.

I've rambled quite a bit but you get me?

[Heather]

I do get you.

For one, I think what you're saying in your first paragraph, basically, is that this guy has played you and keeps playing you and you've fallen for it. He's not any kind of victim, and especially not someone YOU have ever victimized, of all things, but for whatever reason, you've been vulnerable to him convincing you he is and you keep coming back to let him keep doing it.

He doesn't say he's sorry because he isn't sorry. I feel like his behavior towards you alone, this whole time, has made how he feels pretty clear. He clearly doesn't care about you (and chances are you're not the only person he doesn't care about) at all, he cares about himself. He's also gaslighting the heck out of you and projecting his own behavior unto you. He's the one with entitlement issues here, but he's putting that on you because he knows he can and that you will keep letting him. I'm so sorry, his behavior is, as ever, so shitty, manipulative and gross.

I hear you saying that some of your attachment to this is an attachment to the drama of it all. I think it's great that you at least know that and can name it: that's a really good start. How else can you spend your free time in ways that are actually healthy and beneficial for you that aren't being sucked in and staying sucked into some yucky dude's games and abuse? What are your passions in life? Might some of this be about being stuck otherwise, like being stuck when it comes to focusing on things that are bad for you instead of things that are good for you, enrich your life, and make you feel good about yourself?

With someone like this, and the history of this, I honestly think that you engaging with him again to try and tell him off is just going to be more of the same for both of you. More of you chasing this guy's attention and trying to get him to be and act like someone he isn't and clearly has no interest in being. More of him just using whatever you give him to manipulate you. In my experience in life and in the work I do with other people, this is a cut-the-cord situation, one that will probably only actually result in a cut if you just walk away, take all his numbers and socials out of your phone, and figure out what you need to do to STAY away.

How do you think we can best help you with that?

(Congrats on the new job, btw!)

[Wanjiee]

Well, first his socials aren't in my phone, so i had started kind of detoxing from him and his whatever it is. So actually now that you mention it, pretty amazing things have happened to me this month, idk why I'm even focusing on this crappy manz.

Now that you're saying it out loud, he is pretty selfishhe cares for nobody, he doesn't accommodate other people's feelings and whatnot without making it about himself. In addition you should hear the way he speaks about women (idk I've just heard from people who are his friends) but anyway yup I'm cutting the cord. Actually done.

I am quite passionate about writing, very intentional about it too. Trynna expand my hobbies list and get into painting and stuff. Last time i was actually so lonely coz my friends have ben all over the country and i barely could reach any of them but this month I've built a small friend group and I'm happy because i get to hang out with them from time to time. I love my job too ngl. I love reading. I'm trying to apply for masters scholarships abroad, i mean the list is endless. I am pretty awesome for w crummy dude who cannot recognize awesomeness when it's infront of him..

Okay so just to be clear, when he calls or texts that's a no response from meno feeding to his ego or being confrontational??

Oh btw this crummy dude aside you'll be happy to know that some other crammy dude was hitting on me and the moment i realized it was crummy i said hell no and walked away. Normally I'd be like aaw we could try this out...but i said the biggest nooo... That was easy, this one hasn't been easy but I'm getting there

[Heather]

I am pretty awesome for w crummy dude who cannot recognize awesomeness when it's in front of him..

I want to get you a t-shirt that says that SO BADLY.

Yes, that. That exactly. What a waste of your time and energy and this precious life you have to live! What a waste of your fire and drive! What an empty and harmful distraction from all that other incredible sounding stuff!

If you block his number, he can't call or text you. And I think it's really clear that even just for you, so you can detach completely, you really, really need to block his number. His ego is overfed as it is and offers you nothing, and while I'd certainly wish for you to get some actual accountability about this, or even him showing he actually cares about the way he has treated you, I just don't think that is something he is going to do, so IMHO, I think confronting him is just going to be both a waste of your time, and be one more way to stay stuck.

(If it helps, my partner has had some similar issues with their ex: the struggle to stop trying to convince them of their misdeeds and shittiness and accept that as much as it would be amazing to have that, they are never going to get it, and continuing to give them time only allows them to keep my partner attached to them when what they really want is a life free of this toxic person. I've been there, too. A lot of us have. It's not just you, I promise. Part of how we wind up stuck with these people is that they want to keep the power over us they have and want to keep toying with us because it helps them keep themselves from the truth about their behavior and it allows them to keep at it without having to change. <3)

I'm proud to hear about you seeing crummy from the front and staying away! It really can be so hard to change our patterns, and I want to remind you that you are still so young. Please give yourself some grace about this and the time it's taking, okay? You keep catching yourself in time, and you keep trying, and you keep asking for help. You're doing what you can, and I feel confident it'll net you results in time and help you ditch the patterns that aren't serving you and find new ways of seeking out and being in relationships -- and with actually good people who are actually good to you, to boot.

I also wanted to make sure that you know that we love to have work here on the site from users, should that ever be a thing that interests you. It certainly would be a better use of your time than bad dudes! We pay writers, as well. I'm not sure what kind of writing you love to do, but in the event it's anything like what we publish here, feel free to hit us up! Here's our page for writers: https://www.scarleteen.com/contribute/write-us