Just Asking About Erotic Media (Again)

[LopezMonty]

My question is a rather simple one (or maybe not):
I really want to know why, when it comes to erotic, or even romantic, media, I always prefer stuff made by women.

I’ve tried, really tried, liking gay stuff made by gay guys. I have. But it just doesn’t do it for me. Part of it, I think, is gay guy culture is, like, super masculine. Hyper masculinity is the most desirable quality—and I’m not into that at all. I also feel like all this stuff is very cis gay? Like, all these authors and directors, etc have clearly never talked to a single trans person before. Maybe it has something to do with patriarchy and how cis gay guys replicate it without realizing it.

I used to get dysphoria about preferring things made by women, but as I’ve become more comfortable in my transition from female to male and my nonbinary-esque identity, it hasn’t bothered me as much. But I do still wonder why I prefer these things when they’re made by women.

Is it aesthetics? Is it because women pay more attention to emotion? I just worry it has something to do with me being raised female, which would definitely make me dysphoric.

And yes, I do read mlm fiction made by women and other nonbinary people. I’m trying to overcome the feeling that I have to apologize for that.

[Sofi]

Hi LopezMonty.

You know, ultimately the only person who can answer that question is, well, you. I can sit here and theorize, but I'm not in your brain, so I can't answer why you like it more. That said, I don't think it has much to do with you being raised any way as much as the other things you mentioned - not being into hypermasculinity and whatnot. And that doesn't make you any less trans, by the way. It's a preference people of all genders have, and preferences like these don't really define our gender anyway.

You also mentioned women paying more attention to emotion. While of course that's a generalization, I think I know what you mean and yes, for the most part, sexual media made my fems and femmes often has more emphasis on emotional connection than sexual media made by cis men. Again, that's a generalization, but overall I'd agree it leans that way for sure. That is why a lot of folks - not just women or cis women - prefer sexual media written, produced, directed, performed by (etc) women. But there's also probably sexual media made by men, especially queer men, that you might enjoy. I don't think it's worth thinking too much into this, honestly.

You're right, you don't have to apologize for reading mlm sexual media made by women and nonbinary people. What makes you feel as if you might have to? Is this something you feel shame for, or have heard someone shame another person for?

[LopezMonty]

I mean, I kind of feel shame for looking at any erotic media, even if logically I know I shouldn’t.

I’m afraid of telling any guy that I like mlm media made by women or nonbinary people because I’ll just be hit with questions about why I do and why can’t I like stuff made by men like a “normal” queer person. I mean, a lot of the nonbinary creators are treated like they’re “just women” or “women-lite” anyways. I’m afraid I’ll be treated the same way. I’ll become a negative stereotype. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle. I’m transitioning to be physically male and present male (since I don’t want people to bother me or to have to explain my identity to everyone), but my identity isn’t fully male, either. So to queer men, my interests would probably be considered weird and the media in question assumed to be a fetish of some kind. But to most of the people who enjoy that media (most of whom are cis women) I could be interpreted as “invading a women’s space”, whatever that means.

I don’t fit in with any group. My nonbinary-ness and interests would make me a weirdo among gay guys and my adjacent position to men would make me unwelcome among the mostly women fan bases of the media I like. And that’s if I’m not viewed as “just a woman” at the end of the day.

I feel shame because I don’t fit into anything and don’t belong anywhere. My expressions of gender and sexuality are not typical to any group. I probably would just come off as, again, a negative stereotype, but also as a weird pervert.

[Latha]

Hi LopezMonty

I’m afraid of telling any guy that I like mlm media made by women or nonbinary people because I’ll just be hit with questions about why I do and why can’t I like stuff made by men like a “normal” queer person.

I don't doubt that this sort of thing can and does happen, but I don't believe it is the only way achillean men react to mlm media made by other people. Would you take a look at the following articles, for an example of how people have seen the show Heated Rivalry? The show has faced some of the same critiques that you are worried about receiving yourself, but that isn't the whole of queer men's response:

• Famous gay and bi athletes are giving us their hot takes on ‘Heated Rivalry’

• Critic’s Notebook: In Praise of ‘Heated Rivalry’ and Gay Happy Endings

If I may ask, have you met queer men who have told you that your interests are weird, and cis women who have said that you are invading their spaces? I'm sorry to hear about such harsh treatment or that you fear it will happen--it is not your fault. If you'd like, we can help you think of how to leave such spaces and find better people to be around.

[LopezMonty]

I know this sounds stupid to say, but I haven’t reached out to people about my interests. This is in large part to watching other people with similar interests being ridiculed online (though I know people often act differently in person) and just a history of having my interests be ridiculed or brushed off.

I’m starting to think that there just isn’t any space for people like me. That I’m too different for any group, no matter how different from the norm they are. If one part of me fits, there’s inevitably something else that doesn’t.

On the second article, though, I think that’s a big reason why I’ve gravitated towards mlm stories written by women; they end happily. That’s not to say that stories made by gay men always end unhappily, or any other generalization. I’ve just noticed that many queer people, sometimes under the pressure of other queer people, feel a need to make their stories realistic and hence, sad. Real life is unhappy enough.

I guess I’ve just accepted not being able to share this part of me with anyone. My passion for such stories is so strong that I want to make my own, but even then, it seems this will just be for myself. Just another solitary piece of my life.