First Time Looking (Help me prepare please!)

[thatanon]

This week I learned how my Sex Ed classes have failed me. I only knew the bare minimum! So I've been researching all Sex Ed topics and my friends have let me ask them questions. One friend brought up the first time they checked their bits down there and then said they highly suggest everyone do that to be aware of their own anatomy. I asked them plenty of questions on how to do that and I've researched a ton but I'd like to ask here too just to be safe.

I checked the posts on here for any information on it but I could only finds ones for cervix only.

Things that may be important to know about me beforehand:
- I never actually got a good look down there before
- I am a vagina and vulva haver
- I have already been through puberty (I am 20)
- I have sensory issues regarding wet underwear from discharge + I worry the texture down there may be icky to me
- I do NOT know where my vagina is. Never had sex nor put a tampon in.
- I am scared to go observe down there so I'm trying to look at everything I can down there once to rip off the bandaid and not have to return due to forgetting anything
- I am trans so if y'all have any tips for coping while i check that area please let me know, but if not then no worries!
- I am also sex repulsed and kinda scared of bodily functions regarding sex/arousal/masturbation (I panicked twice over it while researching but I continued anyway because I don't want to be ignorant)


(These are a lot of questions, so sorry!)
Now for the actual process and such:
- A friend suggested I shower first to help my sensory issues about the moistness. Is that a good idea? And do you suggest a quick shower, long shower, hot shower, etc beforehand (if it matters)?
- I know I should wash my hands, but if I have a flashlight and mirror, should I disinfect those items first? I have disinfectant wipes for countertops. Are those safe?
- What if I get discharge while looking? Do I wipe it? Do I re-wash the area?
- What are the best positions to be in to get a good, comfortable look?
- Do I need a speculum? I don't have one. If I need one, are there easy alternatives? I want to get this over with ASAP and I'll be doing it once so I don't think it's worth buying it.
- What is most important to look at/for?
- Some websites said to "feel around" to see how the areas feel. Do I just gently brush my finger over parts? If so, where specifically should I feel around?
- Some websites suggest putting your finger up your vagina. Even though that's internal, would you consider that important to do? If so, what do I do when I put it inside?
- Adding onto that, is it important to find the g-spot, a-spot, cervix, etc while looking and feeling around? If so, which parts and how exactly do you recommend feeling around those? Is there enough room to even feel around in that hole?
- What spots could make me... *react* (wet, orgasm, anything)? Because while researching I found that a part of me... reacted (it got wetter down there. Never happened until this week... and it happened two days in a row while reading for educational purposes)... against my will and it led to a lot of terror, questioning, and guilt but I've worked on coping with it. I also heard some people can get orgasms just by touching a certain spot. Which spots should I mentally prepare for any of these reactions from?
- My friend said relaxing muscles is really good. How can I make sure I'm relaxed down there?
- What do I do if it gets really gross/icky to touch? How do I move past that and continue? I feel like i'd get disturbed at certain textures but like I said I really just want to rip off the bandaid and march through. Like today and yesterday I tried small exposures: first day I opened the flaps jussst slightly and yeah I was grossed out, then today (for context, i realized my period may get in the way if I end up bleeding all over so i googled how to know which phase i'm in because i never tracked it before but i will finally start. Websites suggested looking at discharge and I figured it was a good exposure practice moment. Since i think most of my discharge just stays in the hair, i did what the site suggested and I washed my hands and reached to grab some from around that area) I gagged while checking. The texture was weirdly smooth and icky and my discharge made me gag again. Are there any methods to not getting icked? Or anything I should keep reminding myself of to refocus?
- What do I do if I unintentionally make myself leak/wet or unintentionally orgasm? If I'm opened up down there, will the liquid go far? Is it easy to clean if it shoots out? What if it keeps going? And I've never had an orgasm and I'm scared to be unprepared. I heard all sorts of different reactions like the vagina tightening, moaning, leaking more, the labia inflating, etc. What do I do during my self-exam if I orgasm? How can I guarantee I don't moan either? I'm really scared it could be louder than expected and my neighbors would hear.
- Also on that topic real quick, I heard some people don't know if they have orgasmed. What constitutes/counts as an orgasm so I can be prepared just in case?
- How much attention should I put on each spot? Do you suggest taking long hard looks at certain areas? If I feel around, how much time should I take? How slow or fast should I feel around?
- Is the hymen internal or external? Is it strong or fragile (like should I be extra careful around it)
- How long would you estimate a self-exam there would take?
- What else should I prepare for regardless of if it will certain happen/be there or not? (ex. sensations, does the area move in any ways I may not expect, how things will look, etc)
- What else should I know/do?

Also I have no idea when I'll be able to check down there. I'm trying to wait until nobody is home just to be safe but man, nobody's leaving XD

I also really apologize. I swear I'm not an idiot. Like I said, Sex Ed failed me. Please don't think of me as stupid, I just was never taught this stuff very well and I had assumed they taught me everything that had been researched about these topics. I was so wrong.

That should be everything I needed to ask. Thank you.

(Also I really hope this kind of post is allowed. If I seemed to have misunderstood a rule or anything PLEASE let me know. I'm terrified of my first post unintentionally breaking a rule, that's a terrible first impression. I read through the rules and guidelines and I think I am fine but if I happened to miss something please let me know so I don't mess up again!! <3)

[char]

Hey thatanon! Welcome to the boards; you're in the right place! It's great that you decided to learn and be curious; you aren't stupid at all. At the same time, I'm sorry that you feel that your school's sex ed hasn't been adequate though. Since I'm currently the only volunteer online at the moment, I might not be able to answer everything you ask, but other staff and volunteers will circle back to you when I'm not around!

From your post, it sounds like you'd like to explore your vulva--am I correct? Before getting into sex (whether solo/masturbation or partnered--here, we don't define sex as just penis-to-vagina intercourse), it's a good idea to get to know your body. I suggest checking out these articles since it answers some of your questions. There's quite a lot of them, so feel free to take your time:
- Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More
- My Corona: The Hymen & the Myths That Surround It
- With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
- How can I keep my clitoris clean?
- What's Sex?
- Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

A lot of these articles link to other pieces I don't list here; feel free to go down the rabbithole, if you'd like

As for some of your more specific questions:

I am trans so if y'all have any tips for coping while i check that area please let me know, but if not then no worries!

A friend suggested I shower first to help my sensory issues about the moistness. Is that a good idea? And do you suggest a quick shower, long shower, hot shower, etc beforehand (if it matters)?

(...) Are there any methods to not getting icked? Or anything I should keep reminding myself of to refocus?

I think it's a good idea to remind yourself that the vulva is just another part of your body. Whatever genitals we have do not dictate our gender. You probably already know this, but often we see a lot of people be so fixated on the gender and sex binary--even in queer communities when people say things like "assigned male/female at birth." That phrasing comes from the intersex community, and they use it to describe the lack of autonomy they often have in deciding their gender and what to do with their anatomy. In your case, it might a be good idea to use that phrase less going forward. Additionally, you don't need to have sex if you don't want to, but it's important that you take things slow (like what you're already doing) in learning about yourself. This advice column might come in handy: I'm scared to touch my own vagina: why?. I especially agree with Heather's closing statement here:

One big thing that runs through all the possibilities I brought up in that list up there is that we really can get a LOT of negative messages about vulvas and vaginas, some so sneaky we don’t even realize that we’ve gotten them and internalized them. If you can figure out where you might have gotten or might still be getting messages that make you feel gross about your body, one big helpful thing you can do is to learn to change the channel. In other words, you’ve had the negative, so you switch to some more positive messages, like I’ve been talking about here and like the books I’ve suggested contain. Doing that can also make it a lot easier to just tune our or turn off the negative messages, and when we hear them – even just inside our own heads – they tend to sound a lot more silly and a lot less powerful.

So, what do you think are the things you can do make yourself feel more comfortable about your vulva? Do you have other activities you do that make you feel calmer/less worried about your sensory issues?

[thatanon]

Thank you, Char, for the warm welcome! I was really anxious to post for the first time. And no worries! Any and all replies are appreciated!

From your post, it sounds like you'd like to explore your vulva--am I correct?

Correct! I realize I don't know what my anatomy looks like down there and my friend suggested to look at it so I can get an idea of what it is.

Before getting into sex (whether solo/masturbation or partnered--here, we don't define sex as just penis-to-vagina intercourse), it's a good idea to get to know your body. I suggest checking out these articles since it answers some of your questions. There's quite a lot of them, so feel free to take your time:

Is it still a good idea to get to know myself down there even if I do not plan on neither solo/masturbation nor partnered sex? And thank you very much for the links!

In your case, it might a be good idea to use that phrase less going forward.

It's actually really cool to me that you brought that up because I have actually thought of using "AFAB" less for me because I realized it kinda didn't make sense because assigned sex and physical sex traits can be different yknow? Which is why I began referring to myself as a vulva and vagina haver. Is that a good start to replacing the AFAB term?


And thank you for another link for me to check out!

So, what do you think are the things you can do make yourself feel more comfortable about your vulva? Do you have other activities you do that make you feel calmer/less worried about your sensory issues?

I have been wondering if looking at it (like my friend suggested) would help me "normalize" it, but I also worry it may make me feel worse. I can't tell. I guess maybe something that could help would be asking my friends if I could talk about it with them. I think talking to it as if it is normal and not a private, taboo, uncomfy topic may possibly help? What do you think? Are these good ideas? Do you have any other suggestions?


And thank you again Char for taking the time to reply. It helps a lot.

[amber]

Hi thatanon,

I am glad you found us here! Correct me if I am wrong, but I am sensing a lot of anxiety around the process/idea/preparation of looking/exploring your genitals for the first time. I do agree with your friend in general - people, especially with vulvas, should be encouraged to look at and better understand their bodies. I also think that you do not need to know everything about it to do so. I sense that your anxiety is sorta coming from that original gap in knowledge but also being amplified through some of this research.

What if you start by planning a day/time to take a look with a mirror. Sitting on the floor with your legs open is probably the easiest way to do this (if you have a mirror which can accommodate this). Along with a visual look, maybe you could also have an article up which labels the different parts of the vulva so you can compare (as best you can) with yourself and the diagram. Now, you do not need to touch anything if you do this - maybe touch is something you work up to?

If you are confident you want to touch right away I wonder if something like disposable gloves could help with the sensory difficulties.. From what I am reading, I think doing this a few times before touching/exploring internally sounds like a good plan. There is no rush to learn/explore everything at once.

I did not get close to answering all of your questions. One of the reasons is because I think being swarmed with that much information will not be helpful to you. Does that hypothetical plan sound doable or helpful to you?

[thatanon]

Correct, I am VERY anxious. And yeah, a good chunk of my anxiety has increased from the research but I'm scared to be ignorant because I only now found out how much information I've lacked.

That plan does sound good. My only issue is that I'm scared to keep going back over and over in order to build up confidence. I don't know if it'll make my issues (dysphoria, disgust, etc) worse or better. How can I figure out what would be best for me personally?

And noted! Are disposable gloves safe to be around that area? I don't know what quality mine are, I don't know if the material would cause issues or not.

I think that hypothetical plan sounds helpful. I still feel like I need to make sure my plan is good and that I know everything I should be doing and all that, but maybe I'm overthinking? I do apologize if I'm being way too nervous and repetitive about this. But if I do end up checking multiple times, then I guess I wouldn't have to worry about missing something? I don't know.

Thank you, Amber. I really appreciate the help so much!!

[KierC]

Hi thatanon!

I’m so glad Amber’s response was helpful. And I hear your concern that going over again and again might exacerbate issues regarding dysphoria and disgust. You might encounter certain triggers more often this way, but I think that also presents an opportunity to learn how to address those triggers. When you experiment and explore more, you may run into times where you feel dysphoria or disgust, but the exploration itself can allow you to learn what helps you when you do feel that way. That’s also my answer to your question about how to find what works best for you. Experimentation!

For disposable gloves, medical-grade gloves will do the trick. If you have a latex allergy, definitely avoid gloves with latex. But in general, anything like vinyl or nitrile gloves works. You should avoid using powdered gloves, because those can make the vagina more prone to infections.

[thatanon]

Thank you, KierC! I suppose that is a good idea actually.

I do have other worries about that, but I do think you're right; whatever happens, I should work on coping with it afterwards. I'm really scared to be scarred, but I should prepare affirmations and coping mechanisms beforehand.

And thank you, I'll check the glove materials and see if I have any of those types. I'll make sure to avoid the powdered ones too!

I appreciate the help!

[mikky]

I just wanted to add that you don’t need everything that comes near your vulva/vagina to be sterile! If gloves feel best for a sensory barrier, then that’s great, but in general it’s ok to touch your vulva and vagina with clean hands. If, for example you were holding a hand mirror and then using the same hand that held that mirror to do any touching, that mirror does not need to be sterile and you don’t have to start all over in between. It isn’t surgery!

Also, it is very very very unlikely that you would orgasm from a sort of clinical or self-examining touch. Orgasm doesn’t happen spontaneously, and is a lot about your brain- and even if you are feeling aroused, simulation usually will be something that needs to be sustained and deliberate to lead to orgasm. You might end up finding some sensations to be new or feel sort of intriguing, simply touching a part of your body like your clitoris or inside your vagina is not going to cause a sudden orgasm.

[thatanon]

Thank you, Mikky!

That's actually really good to know. For some reason I was under the impression that I had to sterilize everything as if I was a doctor, so I'm really relieved it doesn't have to be THAT clean because I have no way of ensuring that haha.

And thank goodness! I was really scared of an unwanted orgasm so that is so relieving to hear! Good to know all of that. I'll keep it all in mind, thank you so much!