idk if i want a relationship

[Zayne.mp3]

I can't tell if I've ever liked someone romantically. I'm 14 (ftm), so I still have time to figure that out (unless the political climate gets worse for trans folks, luckily I'm stealth atm but i digress) but I want to know, I guess.
The closest I've come to liking someone was my best friend I'm gonna call A. I really like spending time with A, and i tried thinking about us like, dating, and i felt weirded out, and i've thought about that with everyone that i think i might consider, and i feel like weirded out.
The thing is, I want a relationship, in theory.
It's hard for me to tell though because my past ones have been so horrid, with two out of three partners essentially emotionally abusing me.
I guess I just wanted to know

[amber]

Hi Zayne.mp3!

Deciding when/how/if you'd like a romantic relationship is something you can absolutely explore and grow into. It may seem like your peers have it figured out but 14 is young and you still have lots of growing to do!

I've found a version of a Yes/No/Maybe list, which is typically used for sexual interests, for romantic desires here -- https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/184 ... aybe-list/. May be worth looking for some questions about being in a relationship and see how you feel.

I am so sorry you have been through emotional abuse in the past with partners. Did you want to talk more about that? Those experiences may be impactful on your view of relationships or they may not, but either way we can talk about that here.

[Zayne.mp3]

A lot of my partners manipulated me, most notably Myro (his online name) who blackmailed me to try to get me to send not so savory pictures (i didnt and i talked to my teacher) and M was just really mean and yelled at me a lot and then lovebombed me.