Weird interests stressing me out

[Wisteria]

Hi I feel bad for coming back to this website after so long, but I need to get something off my chest.

I've mentioned in previous posts how I have weird kinks, and how I had no outlet for them. I do now, it's reading my own writing while masturbating. But it has to be VERY specific scenarios, characters, etc and they get so absurd that I'm 100% sure nobody would be able to read what I wrote with a straight face, even those who are into the same kinks as me. I can't even read my own stuff when I'm not in the mood because I can't stand to think about how insane the things I'm into are. It's gotten progressively worse, and now I can't feel anything to things I used to enjoy just because the scenarios have gotten more "out there". I believe I orgasmed for the first time after my previous posts, but it's only been to my strange kinks (I say kinks plural, but it's really only one thing). I can't even get properly in the mood without it.

The previous times I've had sex were worthless and I barely felt anything, this was before I orgasmed for the first time. With my partner before my current one, after I learned what I like and how to orgasm, we tried having phone sex and failed every time. I felt nothing while he dirty talked me. Even after I told him my kinks and he started dirty talking about them through call, all I could do was feel slightly aroused but I didn't even get close to orgasming. I realized it literally HAD to be the weirdly specific scenarios and characters in my writing. I don't even know if I could feel anything if I had sex again, just like the previous times where I barely felt anything at all.

I've been trying to "train" myself to have a "normal" sexuality for a long time, years and years now. I'm asexual and have sadly accepted I'll never feel attraction to real people, but I at least want to feel things to fictional scenarios that are more normal than my usual stuff. I want to be somewhat normal. I can minorly feel things when reading about normal sex like rubbing and humping, but nowhere near enough to perform. I can only describe it as being bored. I have a partner now and I'm worried I'll never be able to have sex with them because of this.

Sorry if I overshared or was confusing. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this, I appreciate it I will likely make a post about something different after this one as well, though I feel bad making so many posts on here.

[Anya]

Hey Wisteria,

Please don't feel bad for coming back! We're happy to have you.

Correct me if i'm wrong, but it seems like your main fears here is not being able to engage in sexual intimacy with your partner because of feeling limited by your fantasies, and also feeling insecure about them in general, and wanting to feel "normal."

Now, since you've been here before I think you might already know what I'm gonna say, and that is, this actually IS normal. There were a few doctors/parents/religious followers a long time ago who got to create and broadly perpetuate the idea that anything but fantasizing about your opposite sex spouse was considered "sinful," "weird," and "not normal." In reality though, when we strip the political, religious, and discriminatory culture of the past away from our arguments about what actually is "normal," we begin to realize that the norm is totally subjective, and we can actually choose what we prioritize. Here at Scarleteen, we prioritize health, safety, inclusion, and unapologetic selfhood. Fantasies that don't follow the culturally constructed "norm" do not universally violate those priorities, so to us, they actually can be quite normal---or more accurately---common and rational. So I think first step here, is to try your very best to think critically about what you want "normal" to mean to you.

You're also definitely not alone in feeling like this. I'm sure if you took a scroll through the boards you'd see dozens of other users who struggle with taboo, "weird" or what they think are uncommon fantasies. As frustrating as it can be when we feel limited by any preference or desire in our lives, there are undoubtably other people who share similar fears, meaning, it is more than possible to find people who want what you want, are open to sharing their own vulnerabilities, and can help you have the kind of intimacy you actually, deeply, do want for yourself (assuming you do in fact want that).

I also want to highlight one last thing that I feel could be contributing to your situation in a possibly unhelpful way. The idea that orgasm is inherently a goal to be achieved. Orgasm is a bodily function that many find pleasurable. It is not a race or competition, and doesn't have to be a life-altering or regular experience in your life if you don't want it to be. The experience of and desire for orgasm is unique to each person, and just like fantasy, is not one-size-fits-all. Treating orgasm like an achievement to strive for can actually create a lot of unnecessary mental stress or anxiety, making it coincidentally even harder to feel relaxed enough for sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure and orgasm are not generally conducive to intense feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety, but so often that can be what's top of mind when it's treated like a goal. So I would also say it could be a good step to also consider how you think about orgasm and decide if shifting your mental framework about it, and talking with your partner about it too, could help alleviate some of these feelings. Does that sound like something you could do?

[Wisteria]

Hi, sorry for the delayed reply and thank you for your response

I appreciate your words. I just wish there were a way to choose what I could be attracted to or not I've tried so hard to be attracted to things I'm not and every single time it leaves me miserable. I guess the only next step is to accept I can't change my sexuality and to work around it. My partner isn't very interested in sex, so hopefully it doesn't matter as much as I think.

I'll try to have a talk with them about this if it ever gets brought up. They're aware my attractions are very specific as well. I just hope this doesn't become a problem later. I think I will stop trying to change my sexuality and try my best to have fun if I ever have sex again. I'd just feel really guilty if I were the reason they didn't enjoy the experience. I feel like I ruined the experience for the rest of my partners because I was clocked out.

[Sofi]

No need to apologize, you can take as much time as you need to between answers!

You know, sometimes the more we try to repress something and/or fit into a specific box, the harder it becomes to do so. You're putting a lot of pressure and attention on your desires in a negative way, and the more you try to be into things you're not, the more resistance you're creating. It makes sense you're feeling frustrated by all this, which I hate for you. What if you tried to accept and lean into those sexual interests? You might find that once you accept them, they sort of have less "power" over you since you're not trying to repress them and pretend they don't exist, you know?

Have you and your partner discussed this already before, or not yet? I doubt they'd feel like you'll ruin any experiences due to this, especially since it sounds like maybe they're also asexual? I do think a conversation with them about this would be good. If you need some pointers on how to navigate that, let us know <3

[Wisteria]

I'll 100% bring it up when I try talking to them about this sort of thing. I'll reach out if I need any further help. Thanks for talking with me

[Straif]

Glad we could help, Wisteria! We'll be here