Exploring my submissive side as a man, something I didn't expect about my sexual preferences

[Vika]

Hi Everyone,

I'm trying to understand something about my sexuality and intimate preferences, and I'd like to hear from people who might have had similar experiences.
I've been in relationships before, and I've experienced sexual intimacy, including intercourse. However, I've recently discovered something about myself that I wasn't entirely expecting.
I seem to find being on the receiving end of physical pleasure much more satisfying than taking the traditionally active or dominant role.
I recently had an intimate encounter with a woman who naturally took the lead. She wasn't dominating, humiliating, or doing anything involving pain. She simply led the experience, stimulated me, and focused on my pleasure while I was more passive and allowed myself to receive.
And honestly, I enjoyed it immensely.
What surprised me was that I didn't particularly want intercourse. Being stimulated and receiving pleasure was more than satisfying on its own.
I've also experienced intimacy with someone I have emotional feelings for, including kissing and physical stimulation. But the experience of being with someone who was more experienced and naturally took the lead felt considerably more physically satisfying.
This has made me question a few things about myself.
Am I naturally more comfortable in a sexually submissive or receptive role?
Why do I find receiving pleasure more satisfying than intercourse?
Is it possible to prefer this dynamic without necessarily wanting BDSM, pain, humiliation, or extreme power dynamics?
How do I reconcile these preferences with the conventional expectations placed on men to be dominant or take the initiative sexually?
I'm not looking for pornographic discussions or explicit suggestions. I'm genuinely interested in understanding myself, hearing about other people's experiences, and having a respectful conversation about sexual preferences.
I'd particularly appreciate hearing from people who have discovered that their preferences don't necessarily align with conventional expectations.
Thanks for reading.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, Vika. I'm glad you've found us. This is absolutely a place where you can talk about this. I'm so glad for you you had such an enriching experience! Sex can offer us a lot of things, and offering us ways to open our mind or learn new things about ourselves are two of those things that don't get as much airtime as they should.

You know, most of our team are queer people, trans or otherwise gender-nonconforming people, or both. So a lot of us are super familiar with our lived experiences not matching up with conventional expectations. But someone doesn't have to be queer or trans to have that experience, as you've discovered.

So much of the time, hegemonic ideals or "norms" do a much better job matching a very limited number of people's wanted or imagined ideals than they match up to a majority of people's lived experience. For example, the notion that men should be dominant isn't actually about men's lived experiences -- which are very diverse in this regard, as in so many others -- as it is about a gender role a given culture or cultures are trying to uphold, often as a form of social control (in this case, of women, who in this idea men are expected to be dominant with, but again, as you've experienced, that can also be oppresive for men). Same goes with the broad idea that intercourse is the sex everyone or men want or enjoy most: again, lived experience with this is diverse, not homogenous.

Am I naturally more comfortable in a sexually submissive or receptive role?
Why do I find receiving pleasure more satisfying than intercourse?
Is it possible to prefer this dynamic without necessarily wanting BDSM, pain, humiliation, or extreme power dynamics?
How do I reconcile these preferences with the conventional expectations placed on men to be dominant or take the initiative sexually?

These are probably going to be some questions best answered by you, but I'd also suggest you try not to leap to generalizations, because that's going to be pretty limiting. For example, it may be possible that you are more comfortable or happy being more submissive, receptive, or simply not taking the lead. But it also may be that sometimes, or with some partners, this is what you want and what feels best for you, while at other times, or with different partners, you feel differently. You can enjoy a new sexual experience like this without having it define you or your sexuality in any big way (but it's also possible it does -- only time and experience will tell, ultimately). Same goes with things like asking why you liked the kind of sex you were having more than intercourse -- this might turn out to be more generally true, it might be something that's the case sometimes rather than others, or it may be you enjoy both!

By all means, being with a partner who takes more of the lead in sex, and who focuses more on kinds of sex besides intercourse doesn't mean that you have to want to engage in things like dominance and submission, impact play, humiliation or pain as pleasure. People who aren't into any of those things engage in and enjoy being more of a passenger than a driver, or taking turns with that. All of this is also on a spectrum. For instance, people can engage in domination and submission with sex without any of the other elements you described, like pain or humiliation. People can engage in those things without it being about dominance and submission, too. Think of all this as just options on a very, very large menu: we get to pick as few or as many of them as we want, from experience to experience or more generally.

In terms of reconciling this experience with the ideas you have inherited and hear about men and sex, if you ask me, this is just going to be one of those things that shows how wrong or overly broad those kinds of gender and sex expectations or ideas are. As a sex educator, there isn't a day I don't see a ton of things that show how often people's ideas about sex and gender don't match anywhere near the diversity of people's lived experiences. Honestly, any cultural ideas that say men want or do X or everyone's favorite kind of sex is Y will always be wrong, because we're talking about billions of people and sexuality, one of the most diverse things among human beings. Does that land for you, and can you accept that most of this is just about those ideas or claims being false, or do you feel like you need to talk through that part some more?

[Vika]

Thank you so much Heather for this thoughtful response. I've been reflecting on what you said, and I think I've discovered a few more things about myself since writing my original post.

I'd like to share some of those thoughts because I think they might help me understand my preferences and experiences better.

1. Understanding my preference for receiving pleasure

One thing I've noticed is that I've consistently been more attracted to the idea of receiving pleasure rather than necessarily being the person who provides or initiates it.

For context, I've struggled with excessive pornography consumption in the past, and over the years I've watched different categories. However, one particular category that consistently appealed to me involved women stimulating men. I would often imagine myself in the position of the man receiving pleasure.

Even during masturbation, I would frequently fantasise about someone else stimulating me while I simply received pleasure.

Recently, I had some real-life intimate experiences that were similar to those fantasies. What surprised me was how much more satisfying the physical sensations were compared to masturbating alone.

But it wasn't just physical pleasure. I also enjoyed being desired, having someone else take the initiative, not having to lead the experience and being able to let go.

I'm curious: How much can repeated fantasies influence our understanding of our sexuality? Is it possible that pornography reinforces an existing preference, rather than necessarily creating one? How do we distinguish between a preference shaped by repeated consumption and something we genuinely enjoy independently?

2. Understanding my submissive side

I'm beginning to think that I might naturally be more comfortable in a receptive or submissive sexual role.

I particularly like the idea of being with a naturally dominant woman.

However, I want to clarify what dominance means to me. I'm not necessarily looking for someone who controls my everyday life. I want an equal relationship outside the bedroom, but a different dynamic during intimacy.

I would love a woman who naturally initiates most encounters, takes the lead, guides me and genuinely enjoys being in control. I would also like her to enjoy my submission rather than simply accommodate it.

I wouldn't mind initiating occasionally myself, either. I just don't want the responsibility of always being the person who makes the first move.

Is there a distinction between being naturally submissive, preferring a receptive sexual role and being attracted to dominant women? Can someone identify with all three without necessarily wanting a conventional BDSM relationship?

3. The emotional aspect of submission

Something I didn't fully understand before these experiences was how important the emotional side would be.

I want to feel desired, pursued, cared for and prioritised. I enjoy the idea of letting someone else take the lead, but I also want affection afterwards.

Cuddling, kissing, laughing together, reassurance and tenderness are extremely important to me.

I think I want to experience dominance during intimacy without losing emotional equality or connection.

Is this a common experience among people who enjoy submissive sexual roles? Is there a particular distinction between enjoying submission as a physical experience and enjoying the emotional vulnerability associated with it?

4. Exploring consensual humiliation

This is something I've only recently started recognising and would like to understand better.

In an ideal scenario, if I found a woman who was naturally dominant, sexually compatible with me and genuinely cared about me, I think I would eventually be interested in exploring consensual sexual humiliation as well.

That could include verbal teasing, being called less masculine or other forms of consensual degradation within an agreed power dynamic.

There's an interesting contradiction I've noticed in myself.

Outside intimacy, I'm afraid that a woman might consider me less masculine if she discovers my submissive preferences. I'm afraid she might lose sexual attraction towards me or think there's something wrong with me.

However, within a trusted and consensual sexual dynamic, I think I would actually enjoy her calling me less masculine as part of the humiliation.

I think there's something appealing about temporarily challenging conventional expectations of masculinity, particularly when it's coming from someone who understands and accepts me.

Is it possible to enjoy something that would otherwise be hurtful when it happens within a consensual sexual context? What psychological aspects might explain this contrast?

5. Masculinity, shame and vulnerability

I think this is probably one of my biggest areas of uncertainty.

I don't necessarily want to change who I am outside the bedroom. I want to be independent, confident and an equal partner.

But sexually, I want to explore a side of myself that doesn't necessarily align with conventional expectations of masculinity.

Initially, I would probably feel embarrassed telling a partner about these preferences. I'd need time to develop trust and gradually reveal this side of myself.

Ideally, I'd like to reach a point where I feel absolutely no shame expressing these preferences with my partner.

I would still want this part of my life to remain private between us. I don't want other people knowing about my intimate preferences.

How can someone work through internalised expectations of masculinity without feeling that they need to reject their identity altogether? How do you distinguish healthy sexual privacy from shame?

6. Finding a compatible partner

I think I've started developing a clearer picture of the kind of relationship I'd like.

Ideally, I'd like a naturally dominant woman who:

- Enjoys initiating intimacy most of the time.
- Genuinely enjoys taking the lead.
- Finds my receptive and submissive side attractive.
- Is comfortable exploring consensual verbal humiliation if we're both interested.
- Understands the importance of emotional aftercare.
- Is affectionate, caring and emotionally available.
- Respects my independence and treats me as an equal outside intimacy.

I would be perfectly happy with an affectionate, attentive woman who isn't naturally dominant, but I think I'd prefer the first dynamic.

How do people find partners who genuinely enjoy this dynamic themselves, rather than partners who simply agree to participate for their sake? How early should someone communicate these preferences when dating? And how can you gradually introduce these preferences without overwhelming someone or feeling exposed?

---

A final thought

Your original response made me realise that I don't necessarily need to define myself immediately.

However, I do want to understand these feelings more deeply.

I don't know whether I'm discovering a submissive identity, a preference for receiving pleasure, an attraction to female dominance, or some combination of all these things.

Perhaps I'm also discovering that I want a kind of intimacy where I don't always have to be the person taking charge.

I'd really appreciate any further perspectives, resources or questions that could help me explore these experiences.

Thank you again for making this a welcoming space to discuss something I've found difficult to articulate.

[Heather]

Vika,

This is a lot to address in one reply, and today I only have a tiny bit of time, so I'm going to have to pick and choose a bit here. I'll have more time next week, though, if you want to dive more deeply into any of this with me or anyone else here.

I do think it's probably most helpful, though, for you to talk with someone who has some lived experience when it comes to at least some of what you're experiencing, which is why I raised my hand for this one. If it helps to know, I have a lot of experience in this arena, most of it on the "side" (I use quotes because I don't think any of this is as binary as many people make it, per things like giving/receiving, topping/bottoming, etc.) you've experienced. I get some of how you're feeling from a personal angle, not just in my capacity as a sex educator.

I think some of the best of what I can offer you this morning is some starting places when it comes to understanding more of the experience you've had, which is mostly about an arena of experience commonly described as "subspace." If you search around the internet using that phrase, you'll find a lot of varied information, but recently, this is one of my favorite explanations of what that sexual and psychic space feels like: https://www.shelbydevlin.com/blog/subsp ... -surrender I particularly like this one because it talks about it, in part, in a neurological framework. This does include some pathways for this kind of sexual exploration it doesn't sound like you're currently interested in, but I still think even those sections explain a lot about some of how you felt during this experience. You'll see this piece also address some of what you're asking about later on in your last reply: not only are closeness, intimacy and tenderness things anyone has to go without with these kinds of dynamics, they tend to be a pretty integral part of them when people are caring for each other the way we need to with any kind of sex, and are often even amplified in this kind.

One thing I also want to bring up, related to something I noted right away, is that unless anyone involved in a sexual experience is not enjoying themselves, none of this is really about one person "giving" and other "receiving" pleasure, because the other person who is, let's say, really focusing their attention on your genitals for a while and not their own, is also most certainly experiencing pleasure, just maybe not pleasure focused on their genitals. I always like to remind people in general that while our genitals are certainly very rich with sensory nerve endings, which is a huge part of why so many people focus sex on them, the same is also true for other sites on the body, in particular our hands and feet, our mouths, head and neck: perhaps that can help you see how even someone say, using their hands on your genitals, can be having a pretty big sensory experience on top of experiencing pleasure because you are. Even when we're topping/bottoming in some way, everything is still pretty reciprocal.

I want to make sure you know that consensual topping and bottoming -- or when it's even not that, it's just one person taking a little bit more of the lead, or one person extra-focused on another's body or pleasure -- rarely is the way you're surmising it might be, where it's about someone bossing you around outside of sex or the bedroom. That's most often (sometimes people do choose to expand this dynamic outside the bedroom, but even then, if it's healthy, it's always negotiated and limited) abuse and control, not what you experienced or what we are talking about here.

I also want to add that when you're talking about what you've sought out in sexual media, it sounds pretty clearly to me like you found something you liked, rather than being conditioned in some way. That said, all of our sexualities are always a mix of both nature and nurture, and that nurture will always include what we've been exposed to in our environment, everything form cultural or family ideas about sex to sexual media like porn, to our lived experiences with sex. We're rarely going to be able to pinpoint exactly where any of our sexual interests come from, including because a lot of what is in us was baking since early childhood, most often from totally nonsexual sources, without us even realizing it. In the end, though, I don't actually think it matters -- we become who we become, a quilt of all that, do you know what I mean?

Is there a distinction between being naturally submissive, preferring a receptive sexual role and being attracted to dominant women? Can someone identify with all three without necessarily wanting a conventional BDSM relationship?

These questions are impossible to answer because of how you've framed them. There's really no such thing as "naturally" anything when it comes to sexuality, because to suggest that suggests it's inverse exists, "unnatural" sexuality. Not a thing. There also is no such thing as a conventional BDSM relationship: relationships with elements of topping/bottoming, or with things like impact play are as diverse as relationships without those elements.

Let's start there for today, okay? I can probably poke in later on to have one more exchange if that works for you, but otherwise, we can either pick this up Monday or you can talk about it with others on the team over the weekend. <3