Relationship struggles

[littlecarrotboy]

Hi! I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing girl. The problems are, she doesn't communicate AT ALL, she makes me feel kind of controlled, and she's not open to sexual stuff. Of course I'm not going to force her into anything, but it frustrates me. I've never actually asked , because I'm kind of scared it'll make her uncomfortable. We've kissed, made-out, and given eachother hickeys, (I gave her some on her stomach and she gave me some on my shoulder. she was scared that people would see them), but we've never gone farther and I would like to. I just need to get up the courage to introduce the topic, but how????

[amber]

Hi littlecarrotboy and welcome to the boards!

I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling in your relationship. Communication is the foundation of any relationship and is therefore sooo important. What does her lack of communication look like?

Feeling controlled within a relationship is also not ok and I am sorry you are feeling this way. How does she make you feel controlled?

I do believe that it is important to work on communication and your feelings within the relationship prior to ramping up with new sexual experiences because those things need trust and communication.

[littlecarrotboy]

Hi, Amber. Thanks for replying to my struggles. My girlfriend has never been able to express herself because her parents act like everything is perfect, and they ignore problems. She's an only child, so she doesn't really know how to tell people how she's feeling. And she makes me feel controlled because she's very "You didn't do this, you're mistreating me". I've been having mental health struggles since before we were even dating, and she's being very selfish by wanting me to put her first for everything. I see my faults, and I'm trying to work on them, and not commit suicide at the same time, so it's hard! And I'm interested in sexual stuff with her because I have undiagnosed hypersexuality, and have never experienced anything more than solo masturbation, and it's frustrating. I may be a minor, but I was forced to grow up at a young age, due to family struggles. But that's besides the point! Because we've been together for 6 months (On the 14th) And I'm sick of it. I don't even know if I'm in love with her anymore. She's a sweet girl, but she doesn't think about how I feel in the matter, and when I express how I feel, (I would say I'm pretty good at communicating) She either doesn't want to hear it, gets upset, or just ignores me completely and talks about her struggles.

[Straif]

Hi littlecarrotboy,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Based on what I'm hearing you say, I do NOT think it's a good idea to pursue a sexual relationship with someone who you're already having problems communicating with. Part of that might be on her, but it also sounds like you've internalized some ideas around sex and relationships that are getting in your way. So, let's talk about that:

You're interested in having sex. That is totally fine and normal. It sounds like she's not interested, which is also totally fine and normal. Neither wanting to have sex nor not wanting to have sex are the problem. On that note, intense and frequent sexual arousal and thoughts does not mean you're hypersexual, especially at your age. In fact, hypersexuality is a pretty outdated term that qualified sex therapists and professionals tend to avoid-- along with myths about sex addiction. If you want to learn more, I recommend these two articles:

Alpha Males, NoFap, and Other Myths About Sexuality and Sexual Media

The Facts on Porn and Sex "Addiction"

Where I think you may be struggling is the difference between wanting to have sex with someone and being ready to have sex with someone. I'm a big fan of Ready or Not: Sex Readiness Checklist that walks you through all of the different aspects of sex that you might not think about when you decide whether or not you're ready-- and, again, wanting to and being ready to are not necessarily the same things.

For example, let's look at the very first question Heather asks:

Do I want to have this kind/these kinds of sex for myself, physically, emotionally and intellectually? Do the other person’s physical, emotional and intellectual wants also seem in alignment? Do each of us feel like, or seem like, we care as much about what the other wants as we want for ourselves?

Just based on what I'm reading in your response, it doesn't seem like your wants are in alignment, nor does it seem like you care as much about what she wants as what you want. That right there should tell you that you two are not ready to have sex (and it's possible you're not ready to have sex with anyone until you're emotionally mature enough to care about what someone else wants for themselves as much as what you want for yourself).