Forced Gyno Visit

[icanteven]

I'm 14, I've been dating an 18 year old for almost a year. he was 17 when we started dating and I kept it a secret from my mom and now she knows. she checked me out of school and took me to the doctor and said it was just a checkup then a doctor walked in and told me to take my pants off and I started crying, I didn't want some strange man to touch my area. but she said I had to because she wanted to know and the doctor said I had too because she said so. is that legal at all? can she force me to do that? I feel so violated and I don't know what to do..

[Heather]

No, that is most likely very much outside your legal rights.

You will need to talk to someone who practices law in your area in this field for specifics, but based on my knowledge, there are only a few circumstances in which this would not be, and those do not sound like they were at play here, with the exception of if this was presented as gathering rape evidence, given your boyfriend's age and yours, but even then, your consent would generally be required to examine you.

I can't tell you how sorry I am both your mother and your doctor chose to do this to you.

What you are describing here is both medical and a sexual assault. I can't even, either.

Where would you like to take this from here? Do you want to talk about reporting options, about dealing with living with your family right now, about your feelings with this, where to find local support...? Just let us know, and we will dig in with you from there.

[icanteven]

I wanna know who I tell, and what I tell them. I'm in trouble for "disobeying" which would be trying to refuse the gynecologist and telling my mom she couldn't do that. and my mom and I don't get along, she only did this because she thinks "oh you can have sex but you can't handle a gyno, wow." I know I can't handle a gyno, he wasn't gentle. its been almost 11 hours, and I'm still really sore and I hurt a lot. should I tell my school counselor? I dont have much freedom whatsoever so, it needs to be someone I can tell while school is in session. (8am-3:21pm)

[Heather]

Is the school counselor someone you trust and have a good feeling about? If so, yes, they could be one place to start.

Alternately, we can get you connected with a sexual assault advocate near you and you can call them from school to find out where to start. OR: you can go into the counselor and ask to call your local sexual assault advocacy organization from their office.

[Heather]

I will be away from the office today, so in the event you want to call a sexual assault victim advocate yourself this morning (or have the counselor do it, but for some odd reason, they do not have the number for your local advocacy group handy), here is a comprehensive list of who is available in your state by area: http://www.aardvarc.org/rape/states/okrp.shtml

[icanteven]

I've never spoken to the school counselor. I dont know how trustworthy he/she is. and there was no school due to the whether so I didn't have a chance to call anyone.

[Johanna]

What are you concerned with, in terms of wondering whether your counselor is trustworthy? They are trained to help in situations like yours, so they should know what to do and be able to support you. Do you perhaps have a friend who's been to talk to the counselor? Maybe they can let you know what the counselor is like, to help you feel more comfortable. And having the support of a friend or two in this situation would be helpful, period - is there someone you can talk to?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can go to school tomorrow and make that call!

[icanteven]

I told my biological father cause this weekend is his weekend and my step mother, and during the day today, my mom hit me and bruised my face so we're involving the cops for my dad to gt custody and this will definitely be brought up, and if cops are uneducated on the legality of it, then I'll make the call. im not going to school tomorrow because of an appointment, but thank you for helping me with this. I'm having the worst pain in my uterus area, its hard to sleep or walk and ibuprofen doesn't help. the outside of my body even looks swollen.

[icanteven]

i woke up in pain and i realized another thing I forgot to answer, I don't trust school counselors. in my opinion, where I live, the school counselors arent here to help whatsoever, they usually just send you back to class and say you're overreacting and they're not polite. I'm not sure if all school counselors are like this but the ones here aren't worth sh**. I'm sorry for the inappropriate language but that's how I feel about it and that's why I'm afraid to tell them because of their lack of humanity. I went to them once and told them about my mom hitting me and they asked if I had marks and I said no because I didn't let it get that far and the lady got short with me and told me to come back when she leaves a mark. and as of yesterday, I have a large welt on my face from being punched, and Im not going to tell anyone at the school, because of my last experience opening up to them. thank you for reading this and helping me out with this. without the information you've provided, I probably would have let her force me to do this again and I really don't wanna go back to a gyno until its on my terms. also, to add to this, I know that none of this information needed to be provided but I wanted you to have a full understanding on why I'm so hurt and scared. and I don't have anyone I can tell who won't run to my mom and tell on me for everything I say and I know that people on the internet don't wanna know any of this but I'm tired of being treated like this and I just needed help.

[Karyn]

First thing: are you safe where you are right now? Are you with your dad, or is there any way you can arrange to stay with him as soon as possible?

Per who to talk to, if you're not comfortable with the school counselor, that's fine - it sounds like they really haven't been useful (actually, they sound pretty terrible) in the past so it's totally understandable you'd rather not talk to them. Would it be possible for you to contact one of the services Joey linked you to above? You could also try child protective services (their number is here: http://www.okdhs.org/programsandservices/cps/) or if you feel like you're in immediate danger, 911. If you can get in touch with your dad, he may also be able to phone for you.

Don't worry about sharing too much here, btw. It's a big step to trust anyone with this stuff, we don't take that responsibility lightly and we'll do everything we can to help you get to a better place.

[icanteven]

I'm with my dad for the weekend and we're talking about what we need to do to get me to stay with him. we're probably gonna threaten her before we involve cops because she has a newborn baby that I dont want her to lose over me. I know it doesn't make sense.

[Sam W]

Hi Icanteven,

No, it makes sense (even when someone is awful to you, it's pretty common to have an impulse to protect them). Although, given her behavior towards you, one has to consider how safe she is for a newborn. I'm glad you're with your dad and (it sounds like) somewhere you feel safe.
One thing I would say is that, you know your mom better than us, so you have a sense of how she's likely to react to you and your dad confronting her. But it's sound, given her past behaviors, to make sure you have discussed what to do in the event that she reacts with violence or the the threat of it. I would also say it might help to clarify to each other what you want to come from this conversation. Are you hoping she will cede custody without having to involve the cops, or something else?

[icanteven]

that's the main goal, is that she just cede custody without any violence or police but cops can be involved if its needed. And yeah, I just wanna protect the baby from the foster/adoption center because although I wanna move out, I don't want him to miss out on his family.

[Heather]

I just want to give you an idea about how these sort of things tend to go, so you -- and maybe your Dad, too -- can have a sense of what makes them tend to go best and what to expect.

For one, I would strongly advise against anyone threatening your mother, because that then only gives her ammunition to use if and when this gets to family court which could make BOTH your parents look like unstable or unsafe parents for you. Since you clearly want to ideally live with your father, you obviously don't want to do anything that makes that less likely.

If the first call, be it by you or your father, is to the police, the first call *they* will be making is to social services. The police have at least one crime to investigate -- the medical and sexual assault by that doctor and then you mother's involvement with that, so they will do that part. Then, though, is the matter of the other abuse happening at your mother's home, and that's the stuff of social service and the family courts. What they will be doing is evaluating your (current) home by having a visit, talking to you, talking to your mother, talking to your father. If your father is willing to take temporary custody of you until this goes to family court (these things tend to take a while), they will usually get on board with that since in general, family courts want children to be placed with relatives before strangers/foster care. And social services and a lawyer he retains to do the custody work will fill him in on what to do from there.

But this can also be done the other way round, where he or you call social services first, and then they'll do the police referral about the assault. Really, it's up to you.

But ideally, your Dad really wants to do this working WITH the system, not by trying to do this on his own, and certainly not by making threats to your mother. Working with the system shows the family courts your father is more stable and sound than your mother. Going all vigilante with this gives the impression NEITHER of them may be able to provide a safe home for you, and that means foster care. Okay?

[Heather]

By the by, I found this guide from legal aid in your state around child custody: http://oklaw.org/issues/family/custodyvisitation

Might be a good one to pass on to your Dad if he wants information on all the options, policies and how-to-dos.

This particular information there explains how to get started with a request for a custody agreement change:

How can I change my Final Custody Order?

In order to change a Final Custody Order, you must file a "Motion to Modify Custody Order." This is almost always done in the same court and in same case that issued the order. This motion asks the court to change the order and should state the reason why the change should happen. In Oklahoma, if the custody order is a "Sole Custody Order" as described above, there must be a "permanent, material and substantial change in circumstances that affect the best interests of the child" before the court will change a Final Custody Order. After finding this change the court will look to the factors listed above to decide whether a change in custody would be in the child's best interests. The court will NOT change the order due to minor changes in circumstances such as small changes in income. There must be significant changes that affect the child's life, such as an abusive situation or the custodial parent moving out of state, before the court will change an order. There is some case law that indicates that if a child is old enough, (usually in the teens) and mature enough, the child's desire to change custody can be all that is needed to change custody. Once a Motion to Modify has been filed, the court will set a hearing date. At the hearing, the parent seeking the change will have to prove to the court that there is a permanent, material substantial change in circumstances and that the change of custody is best for the child. Since this can be a difficult process, one should probably seek the help of an attorney before filing a Motion to Modify Custody.

The standard to change custody orders is different if the custody order is a "Joint Custody Order." Then, the court must be shown that the parties are not able to cooperate and agree on the best interests of the child. If that happens, either or both parties can go back to court to ask the court to terminate the joint custody and then award sole custody. The Court will look to the same factors mentioned in the first custody decision.

[icanteven]

I called the cops, I called dhs, I called the number you gave me for the abuse and sexual assault and they all shot me down. I don't know what else to do

[Ashleah]

I'm very sorry that you were not able to find any help. It is unfortunate when services that are intended to assist fail in that respect. We want to make sure that you get support around the assault. Would you be willing to try another abuse and sexual assault center or other agencies? If you give me a zip code I can try to locate a few close to you that are use to working with youth.

I want to ask a few questions. Has there been any other incidents of violence or abuse since you last spoke with us? Is your main goal still for your mother to cede custody? How active has your father been in this process?

If your father is not the one making the calls I would recommend trying that AND making sure that you include that your mother has been physical with you. It's not always right, but it's not unusual for adults to get further when dealing with matters like these. At the very least, what you have told us here should qualify as an assessment with DHS in OK. Keep in mind the things that Heather shared above about the process and how important having your father involved can be. At this point it might be helpful to give as much information as possible to help create a paper trail or evidence that your father could use to get custody. Making multiple reports to DHS raises the flag.

Did you have a chance to pass along the info on changing custody that Heather provided? It states "There is some case law that indicates that if a child is old enough, (usually in the teens) and mature enough, the child's desire to change custody can be all that is needed to change custody." So this might be something you all are able to pursue regardless.

How are you feeling about everything?

[icanteven]

no one is helping me. everyone ive called says they don't know the legality of the gynecologist visit. they've referred me to people I've already called.. is there anyone else I can call who will actually know what to do?

[icanteven]

I feel helpless, I feel like my moms not gonna get punished for her actions, she's beat on me my whole life and this last time it got bad. but I've been at my dads since that last time and I've been pushing him to get custody but I also want my mom in jail now. after the things she did to me. she went to my school and told them something, the principals said it was confidential, and got me kicked out of school for being a threat to the school. I haven't done anything bad. she's doing everything she can to hurt me. I called the police about her smoking marijuana around her 2month old baby and now I'm on probation, but she used to smoke with me, which was all cool at the time, but that's awful parenting. The cops didn't even do anything. no one I called cares. this is bullshit.

[icanteven]

also, yes I need those numbers.
my zip code is 73703

[Johanna]

I am sorry to hear that it has been so tough to get some help! I don't know enough about these matters to be able to jump in here, but I wanted you to know that your post has been seen and that we're working on helping you out. I have left a note in the staff area, so hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be around soon to respond.

[icanteven]

thank you for being the only one to listen to me..

[Johanna]

I am sorry it feels like that for you right now. But we'll try and make sure someone else listens as well, okay?

I don't know what services and agencies Ashleah had in mind when she asked for your zip codes, but I am sure she'll be back around soon with those numbers for you.

So you called both DHS and the police? You say you were directed to other services, who did they suggest you call? And when you called, did you report only the incident with the gynecologist, or also the ongoing physical abuse at home? And have you had your father call DHS and the police as well, like Ashleah suggested?

[icanteven]

that's all we've been doing all day today is calling people, all the people I called treated me like I was little kid who got a spanken. but my stepmom is on top of things, shes calling any and every number. they referred me to the DA and he told me that he believes my parents over me. and

[Karyn]

I'm so sorry that you haven't been getting useful responses. It's great that your stepmom is helping you out with this, and I'm so glad that you've been able to stay with your dad. Hopefully Ashleah will have some more suggestions, but I just wanted to let you know that we're all on your side here and we're going to do our very best to make sure that you get some help.