Being openly non-binary for the first time.

[iluaf]

So I've been doing some soul searching (on and off for like my entire life lol) and I'm pretty sure I'm genderfluid/nonbinary and mostly identify as androgynous. I decided to start identifying that way online, but I'm not ready to be out in RL.

Umm. It's not going so hot?

First conversation with someone I just met on a writing website:
they asked my age and gender,
I told them, they were kind of confused. Which I completely understand, it took me a long time to figure it out too.
So I tried to explain.
But then they told me gender and sex were the same thing, at which point I just said "ok bye" and left the chat.
And then they were upset that I left!?

On one hand, I feel like life is to short to argue with strangers about my gender identity (especially since I spent so long arguing with myself about it, lol)
But on the other hand maybe this person was just uneducated on gender stuff, and I should have cut them some slack. :-/

I don't know. I feel frustrated but also feel I might have been too flippant, I guess.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this kind of thing? Or maybe there are some other NBs here with some "first time out" stories so I don't feel so alone?

[Heather]

Generally, the way to go about this with the best success is to start by identifying with someone you already know, in person, and know or strongly suspect will be supportive. I'd say just bonking about on the 'net with this is not likely to benefit you much, and by all means, if it's with people you don't know at all, you have to figure you just have no idea how they may respond.

I agree: life is too short to argue with people you don't really even know about who you are.

Is there anyone at all you know -- not that you have just met -- in person or online very well, and know or suspect knows their stuff when it comes to gender, or if not, will be supportive and kind enough to be accepting and learn?

[iluaf]

Yeah, I guess that probably would be a better start. I can think of a couple people that I think would be supportive and understanding. I'll try talking with them about it.

I'm glad you agree about arguing with strangers, I knew that I could get any sort of response, but I was feeling pretty guilty for just shutting that person down, especially since they acted like they still wanted to talk to me afterward. That makes me feel a lot better about it.

[Heather]

I don't think you need to feel guilty here, seriously. One big bonus of talking online-only is that we get to just click out of a conversation any time we want. This is very sensitive for you, and you shut it down when it was clear this person wasn't likely to be supportive. On my planet, we call that self-care.

[Heather]

Btw, if it makes you feel any better, I had a well-intending, but clearly not-quite-with-it-with-this-stuff reporter do a piece about me a month or so back who literally said (after asking me what pronouns I prefer, and my saying they) "She likes to use they as a pronoun."

::headsmack::

[iluaf]

OMG, they tried, I guess. Definitely a face palm moment there haha. Thank you so much for your help.

[Heather]

It was pretty amusing, IMO.

But you know, I'm middle-aged, and at a point in my life where the specifics of my identities and people getting them is just something I care about a whole lot less than younger people will tend to, since you're really just starting to put who you are out there. So, I could easily see how for someone else, even just a mistake like that could not feel funny at all.